What should I do when excluded from entire group of friends?

[nix45]

Hi I'm Nix.

Recently I had a minor fall out with the leader of a group of friends. Since then activities I would have been included in I've not been invited to.

The worst was having been verbally invited to a wedding not receiving an invite with no explanation. Then I was chastised for not asking how it went even though I had the good grace to send a card.

I've tried standing up for myself but I just end up upset. I asked the reason for the wedding disinvite and was told it was my fault for listening to a verbal invite.

Last week I was told by another member of group no one wants to hang out with me as I'm too much drama and that crying is not on.

I just feel so angry as tears came due to their actions I certainly don't head out to create a scene. It feels like my feelings don't matter.

Any advice x

[peach311]

Hey Nix,

 

Welcome to Community and thank you for your honesty. ??

 

Group dynamics can be so tricky. Firstly how do you feel when you are around these guys and are they your main friendship group?

 

The reason i ask is because there behaviour is not ok and quite frankly mean and cruel. You do not deserve to be treated like this and of course you are getting upset i would too. Sending you a big virtual hug. ??

 

What i really hear in your post is that whatever you do it seems to be wrong and you are met with judgement and criticism. I went through some bullying with a bunch of girls i lived with in halls and just like you whatever i did it seemed to be the wrong thing.

 

The first thing you need to know is right now you can't win and whatever you do will be wrong because bottom line they are bullying you. My advice if possible would be for you to stop trying to please them because the more you do the more you open yourself up for more hurt and rejection. Also it sends the message that how they are treating you is ok, when it's not. Any friendship group that treats people like they are treating you is toxic, damaging and one i would leaves as soon as possible.

 

I understand though that this might not be possible? If it isn't for now what you need to know is your feelings do matter and people who genuinely care about you know that and will treat you with respect.

 

Let me know what you think and I can talk you through some steps for having boundaries around them to keep you safe and stop it escalating.

 

Sending positivity. ?'?

 

-Peach311

[nix45]

They are my main group but not my only friends. However they are the group I see most socially.

I've tried to distance myself as I know there behaviour is wrong but even then I get the accusations "you are quiet what's wrong with you now'"

One of them recently called us all together and announced their marriage. I was congratulatory of course. Then later in the evening they cornered me and was saying early in their relationship, like 3 years ago, I'd said I wasn't sure how suited they are together and accused of not being really on side with the wedfing. Of course this upset me. Later I hear that I have again caused drama and taken the shine off the moment.

They are awful people I just want an easy escape I guess with no more pain.

[bdawg]

Spend more time with other people!!! You can find better friends than this, seems like they're the ones who are looking for drama and not treating you fairly! Hope things get better for you, this must be really sucky xxx

[looley1]

I totally know how you feel. I remember when it happened to me I felt completely excluded and paranoid that I was doing something wrong all the time.

 

Looking back I can see that it was actually just all my friends following each other. They weren't thinking for themselves they were just jumping on the bandwagon. As soon as one person accused me of something or said something mean others just joined in. I think it was because it made them look and feel better to be following what the rest of the group was doing.

 

What I learnt is that if people didn't stand up for me and just followed everyone else then they weren't really my friends. Real friends wouldn't be making me feel so bad about myself all the time. It feels awful, but you deserve so much more! It's not until you surround yourself with people that lift you up and support you that you realise how bad it is to have negative people in your life. They really aren't worth the upset they are causing you!

 

[nix45]

Thanks everyone it's good to know I'm not mad and that this isn't normal decent behaviour! I think I get more upset because it's so far removed from how i would ever treat someone I just find it all so irrational.

All your words have really helped. Thank you x

[peach311]

Hey Nix45, ?

 

I am glad it's helped getting some support. How have things been the last few days?

 

Have you seen this blog, have a read as I think it might help. ??

 

https://www.ditchthelabel.org/deal-friends-bullying/

 

Sending positivity and support

 

-Peach311 ??

[patg]

I'm so so sorry this is happening to you! It sounds like a toxic clique chose you to use as an emotional punching bag. They sound like very insecure people, and maybe envious of you somehow? I so think it would be good to spend more time with other friends. Take some time for you to do things you enjoy too maybe. I have moved a lot and have experience making new friends. If you have fun hobbies or interests, it gives you fun things to also talk about with other friends as you get to know them better. One last thing if you are trying to put distance with your toxic group and get closer to new friends: don't badmouth the toxic ones to the new ones and don't mingle them. If I were you, I would put the toxic friends in a Facebook friends group and exclude them from seeing posts in your privacy settings. I have a feeling they would sabotage your efforts to make new and different friends. Maybe don't tell the toxic people about what you are doing with your time or who you are seeing. It's none of their business and they may try to ruin it for you. Good luck! You deserve better friends!