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Should I forgive him?


youdontknowme
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When I was growing up, my father was abusive. He struggled with an heroin addiction and his own mental illness. It was ...rough to say the least. But now I'm fifteenth and living with m aunt (which is a couple states away from him) and he is asking to come back into my life. He says that he's sorry and that he's change but every time he's said it before it's been a lie. I'm not sure whether or not I forgive him and let him in. On one hand I want to stay far away from him but one the other I get that he's trying to make an effort and maybe he is really trying to change. I don't know what to do.

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Hey Youdontknowme,

 

Thank you so much for your post and being brave by sharing it here. ??

I think the most important person in this situation is you and you need to go at your own pace with any contact you guys have.

 

It is brilliant he is making an effort and reached out and said he is sorry. However, saying you are sorry always needs to be followed up with action to show it. Otherwise those words stop meaning anything and we stop trusting or believing the person saying it.

So it makes total sense you are not sure what to do because you have been really hurt by him and that sucks.

 

I think it doesn't have to be let him in or don't let him in. Maybe you could start small with some phone calls or emails and see how that feels, how would that be? Then if good slowly build up to seeing him more and if it doesn't feel ok keep it at what does. What does your aunt think would be best for you?

 

You also can start to see him again if that feels ok without having to forgive him first. In this case trust has to be earned and that takes time and it's not fair of him to expect you to be able to do it because he has apologised and wants to move in.

 

You deserve to be treated with respect and love, anything less than that is not ok. Let me know what you think.

 

Sending you tonnes of positivity and support. ?'?

 

-peach311

 

 

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wow that must have been hard for you. 1 thing i have learnt about forgiveness is that it is 100% selfish. being angry at some1 only harms u and not them so my advice is always to forgive people. that doesn't mean u necessarily have them in ur life, it means ur not carrying around the resentment for them any longer than u need to

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Thank you so much Peach113

 

I've taken your advice and talked to him on the phone for about 20 minutes today. And it turns out that he's really been trying to turn his act around, he even checked himself into a rehab clinic. He said he understand that it will take awhile to earn my trust but that he'll keep trying. We're both taking baby steps to try and fix our relationship. I'm not sure whats going to happen but i'm willing to give it a shot. Thank you again!

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Hey Youdontknowme,

 

Wow, that's big stuff and i'm really pleased he is getting the help he needs. It sounds really encouraging that he knows there is no quick fix and that it will take time and a lot of action on his part to slowly repair the damage.

 

You are a total superstar for being open enough to talk to him on the phone. ? Like i said above, you are the most important person in all of this so go at your own pace. If anything starts to feel too much you 100% allowed to say no or I don't feel like talking today, put yourself first.

 

I am here if you need to talk anything through. ?

 

Sending positivity

 

-peach311

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