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Hello. I need friendship advice


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Alright so, I am new to this forum and found it through an article about friendships. Anyways, so I have had this friend since the 7th grade and we have been to high school together and college. Last year was pretty rough because we both went through hard times and didn't speak to each other for 8 months. I also stopped talking to her and even blocked her because of some bad blood with her and old friends we hung out with. However, during this coronavirus pandemic, I decided to reach out because I was concerned about her. So i emailed her and she surprisingly replied back and we have been chatting back and forth since March of this year. She has also been going to counseling so she treats me better now. But the thing is, I don't think she values our friendship as much as I do. I have actually moved down south in my state and have visited family up north a few times and have tried to make plans with her since she lives up north and i visit often and she has made excuses every time about "family emergencies". Today I drove up north to visit my brother and called to tell her that I would like a place to stay. She tells me "No, my roommate doesn't want you here because she thinks you two will fight" heres the thing, I only met her roommate one time over a year ago and we barely spoke so idk why my friend thinks there will be a fight between two people who dont really know each other. Anyways, I am thinking about cutting her off for good again. But I am unsure sometimes because she is good at talking me through hard times and says she is proud of me. She calls me once a week too but it seems like we only chat for 10 mins instead of hours like we used to. She usually says "you are probably bored so i will let you go" i know she cares about me and my family somewhat at least. I need to know this, should I confront her and ask her if our friendship is okay? Should I tell her my concerns? Or should I just naturally let the friendship fade away? She is also good friends with my brother too. I don't want to cause any more drama. What should I do? Idk if I should just keep her as a long distance friend and never hang out.. or should i cut her off.. Please help. Thanks.

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Hello there Katy,


What i'm hearing from you is that you want this girl to be your friend but at present you don't feel like she is giving enough towards the friendship .


The advice I would probably give you is to manage your expectations in a friendship. The only thing we are in control of is ourselves and our own actions, you can't force her to show up more or be a better friend to you so you have to adjust your own boundaries - you say she knows you care about her and that she is friends with your brother, but maybe she genuinely does feel awkward about meeting in person and is socially anxious about bringing people together.


I think there are so many different friendships that a person can have and maybe it's worth reimagining what you expected your friendship to look like and take and appreciate it for what it is right now, and who knows, maybe in the future it will change, I wouldn't do anything dramatic and cut her out, as it will just bring you more turmoil. Maybe try to turn up the positives in your relationship and express gratitude for what she does do instead of what she doesn't do.



I hope this helps.



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  • 2 weeks later...

Hey Katy,


Remi is absolutely right in talking about the expectations we have of friendships; there any so many different kinds and it can be hard to get exactly what we want from a mate, but I guess that's then when other people come into the picture. The sad thing is that friendships can fade as we get older which can be hard to come to terms with. Sometimes, people can grow apart and this can be for many reasons. I think it would be good to have a chat with her about this just to see where she's at because otherwise, you'll end up tormenting yourself over the possibilities.


Anyway, I just wanted to check in to see how things are going at the moment with this? I hope you're doing okay :)


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