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How to deal with toxic friends when you're in a friend group


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I have a large friend group about 10-15 of us from college that regularly hang out. Two of which I wasn't really close with initially; one because I originally noticed some unsettling tendencies about her such as talking badly about people who were supposed to be her friends, lying, sometimes even taking things from people and denying it outright (I'm hesitant to say steal because what does that say about my judgment but it is what it is). I was wary of befriending her at first but somehow over the years we actually became really close. The other friend, her boyfriend, also has some hostile habits, he always seems to bring unnecessary drama to me he'll say "so and so just said this about you" or "well don't tell anyone I told you but ____ really thinks that about you" they're always really hurtful things that for one I'm not sure are actually true but there's never any benefit to me knowing about it either way. I'm sure he does this to other friends because I've noticed that he'll try to embarrass people and pass it off as a joke. Recently, I've found out (via her boyfriend) that my friend has accused me of lying about an accomplishment that I'm extremely proud and protective of because I worked really hard for it and it's the first big thing that I accomplished on my own without the help of my parents or anyone else. So when she said I was lying about it I was really offended but mostly I felt like she was projecting her insecurities onto me. At this point, I think it is best for me to leave these two so-called friendships behind. They are both turning 30 this year and I feel like behavior like this won't change over time. The thing is I'm used to seeing these people every weekend if not more and we're all in a wedding together a few months from now so I feel like if I say something I'll bring drama to the wedding and that's the last thing I want to do. I want to distance myself from them but I'm not sure how to do that without my other friends thinking I'm pulling away from them too. Should I say something? Wait it out until after the wedding? Thanks for listening I'm just not sure how to navigate this.

Edited by jane23
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Hello Jane,


Thanks for posting here.


In life the only thing we can control is ourself and our own behaviour and not anyone elses. It sounds to me like you already know that you have already made your mind up about these two. It's true, as we grow older we are able to curate our friendships a lot more and 'the group' becomes less important and you start to really work out who you like and who you don't. I don't think you need to neccessarily say anything - just stop investing time and energy into that couple and continue to invest it in your friends.


You don't have to be friends with the whole hive for your individual friendships to matter - try and keep the relationship civil for the rest of your friendship group, but you honestly don't owe anyone an explanation.


Stand strong and trust your intuition.



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