Does anyone know what this mental disorder is called?

[Anonymous3831]

Last night I wrote a article on reddit to vent about how I was feeling but didn't get any replies. I'll just say a lot of the time I have low self-esteem and feel bad about my looks and lesser than other people. Well here is what I wrote:

 

I'm a 21 yr old Male who has pretty bad self esteem when it comes to my looks and when it comes to things i'm not good at. I have many things I consider problems and i'm going to address them below.

 

1. I get depressed after a certain amount of time when I start to feel like I can't become good enough. I have a thing for wanting to be in the top 1% of whatever I'm currently doing. For example, I play a lot of video games competitively and when I reach the top 1% of the ranking latter in those games I feel a little better about myself. For a while... that happiness fades usually.

 

Another example of my competitive drive that sometimes drives me to be depressed is when I used to play sports. When I was 15 just entering high school, I've never played a sport seriously before. I played baseball and I had fun at first but as I was playing everyday I had unrealistic expectations out of myself which drove me to break down mentally and just never play the sport again because I feared I would never become a MLB player or play in the minors so I just dropped the sport completely. I don't necessarily regret it but it just annoys me that I can't have fun at most things besides watching T.V/Movies. It makes me pretty sad that I can't connect with a lot of people. There's a few I connect with but the problem is there like me which I don't believe is a good thing.

 

The only things I have fun at is when I know i'm one the best at the curtain activity that i'm doing. Which I believe is a terrible way to live if the only way you can have true fun is being the best at whatever you're trying to do. I also almost always envy the people that are better than me at whatever I'm doing. This for me goes for everything in life, such as there better looking than me (Or if I think they are), better than me at a sport, better than me at cooking, and the list goes on. Now I don't necessarily always envy people who are better than me at everything. It depends on the activity or subject I'm trying to be the best at. Right now i'm trying to improve my looks to become great looking. So whenever I see people I believe are hotter than me I just get annoyed/sad/almost an anger because I know there better than me. This goes for guys and girls, doesn't matter. If I think a girl is better looking than me I just get annoyed, I don't get attracted, horny, or pleased by the aesthetics which I find abnormal for me.

 

Now I understand that you can improve your looks to a point but I realized that I can become great looking by:

1. Getting to a body fat percentage between 8-13% body fat with the sufficient muscle mass. I also believe my insertions are good enough to be aesthetically pleasing (At least I hope). I made my own plan to gain muscle mass by following my routine to go to the gym on a Push/Pull/Leg split. Also by eating enough protein for my body weight and doing every exercise I can at great intensity while also having correct form.
   
2. Skin care, I have pretty decent skin but I'm improving it everyday with the proper materials.
   
3. Getting clothes that are stylish + fit my body very well.
   
4. Whitening my teeth to a point where there white like the fitness models/models for males.
   
5. Just having great hygiene in general.
   

I also am only trying to become hot so I can get laid a lot more easier on apps such as tinder/bumble. I did tests on what kind of numbers (Matches with responses) models can pull and the numbers are staggering so I don't want anyone telling me looks don't matter if your just trying to get laid with the hottest women available on those apps.

 

Honestly I just want to feel like I can wake up in the morning and not have to think about how I'm going to fuck hot women and how I'm going to be the best at something. I also have a sex addiction to wanting to bang hot girls consistently off of only tinder/bumble. I don't blame the women/girls that are very hot for not wanting to bang me yet because I know for a fact I don't have the muscle mass nor the right pictures for tinder/bumble yet to be considered hot on the app. As for real life goes, I see girls/guys that I think are hot but I envy them because that have what I want which is to be hot.

 

It just sucks that I go through this cycle a lot of trying to be the best and trying to be great looking so I can get sex a lot easier. I'm not going to go through the hassle of getting rejected by hot girls consistently to only fuck one once a month if I can even do that! I don't believe in changing my personality because I believe people who change there personality to only fuck hot girls are disgusting. I'd rather improve my aesthetics to do that because I believe it's more morally acceptable to me.

 

These are my main issues and I have no idea how to go about them. I'm just hoping someone knows the disorder that I have. I'm not sure if I'm just a sociopath which I don't think I am because I still have somee feelings for people. I just want to feel better in the mornings and not feel like shit when I see hot girls/guys. I'm a guy and hot girls make me feel even worse than hot guys. It just makes me feel bad because I'm not sure if I even will accomplish this goal of being hot. It's possible I still won't be hot with the added muscle mass/other things combined.

 

I also feel like a terrible person because of my view points. I just wish I could be more normal. How do I let go of my competitive drive? Or just let go of wanting to fuck every hot girl I see on tinder or in real life, I mean In the back of my head I envy them a lot but I would still want to do them. How do I not feel bad about myself for other people just being better? I think about how I'm going to improve my workout every morning and every night. I just want to think of other things beside my goals because it makes me pretty depressed thinking about not being able to live up to the standards that I have.

 

If someone has experienced this behavior before please share it. I've looked over the internet and haven't found anyone with similar qualities to this. Sorry if some of you think these qualities are disgusting, but I have no one else I want to share it with.

 

 

I don't feel like this all of the time but when In this sort of mindset it's not fun. How do I stop feeling bad when I see people I consider to be better looking than me? I could be narcissist but I realized I don't really show the average traits of one. I feel a lot better this morning then when I wrote that, does anyone know why I feel like that also? I don't consider myself bi-polar because I don't do this very often.

 

Thank you all in advanced for tips/tricks

[Jules_Taylor42]

Hi! I also suffer from low self esteem and fear not doing well in life. For a long time I thought that I was bipolar because my family has a history and my mood changes fairly frequently, but it turns out I have extreme anxiety. While a lot of people might not think much about it, anxiety can be extremely dangerous and lead to depression and mental break downs. I suggest seeing a therapist, counselor, or phycologist however I know that might be out of your price range. One thing that I do is exercise regularly, take baths, and drink lots of tea! Exercise makes me feel better about my weight and gets out nervous energy, whereas baths and tea help calm me down. Also check regularly if you have headaches or nausea because that could mean that you do have bipolar or another deeper issue. I hope this helps, and if you have any questions I’m here for you! ♡

[Anonymous3831]

Hi! I also suffer from low self esteem and fear not doing well in life. For a long time I thought that I was bipolar because my family has a history and my mood changes fairly frequently, but it turns out I have extreme anxiety. While a lot of people might not think much about it, anxiety can be extremely dangerous and lead to depression and mental break downs. I suggest seeing a therapist, counselor, or phycologist however I know that might be out of your price range. One thing that I do is exercise regularly, take baths, and drink lots of tea! Exercise makes me feel better about my weight and gets out nervous energy, whereas baths and tea help calm me down. Also check regularly if you have headaches or nausea because that could mean that you do have bipolar or another deeper issue. I hope this helps, and if you have any questions I’m here for you! ♡

 

Thank you for the reply Jules. I don't believe I have anxiety but I just feel like i'm lesser of a person than people that are better than me at certain things, such as looks(Even though this can be subjective) or people that are better than me at certain hobbies that I have. I don't get headaches nor nausea, and I don't worry a lot. But I do get depressed and almost a little angry sometimes that I'm not good enough. I've been feeling a bit better lately because I'm trying to take the attitude on just focusing on what I can improve within myself instead of comparing all the time. I workout constantly 6 times a week on a Push/pull/legs split and I also eat very healthy.

 

I for sure don't think I have bipolar, not even mild bipolar. I thought I had it for a bit but my mood doesn't drastically change a lot it's pretty stable. I would say my feelings are more sadness/depression. Thank you for the reply again, I appreciate it.

 

[Blondie]

@Anonymous3831 Hey, thanks for opening up to the community. Firstly, it's hard to know what a diagnosis would be as you would need a full consultation with a trained professional and we don't have the training and experience to do that. If you do have the means, it's definitely worth seeking help via your doctor to get referred as they would fully evaluate you.

It's hard to feel so low about yourself like this and we know how it can be amplified by comparison irl and especially online. A good start is to begin recognising triggers, so for example, unfollow anyone online that doesn't make you feel good about yourself (it might be a PT who appears perfectly sculpted). In recognising triggers, it's a good start to taking steps to find strategies.

Another viewpoint worth considering is thinking about what achieving these goals would give you - we can assume that if we fulfil all the goals we will suddenly be happier and our lives will all fall into place but the reality is we are all a work in progress and our outer aesthetics don't change what's inside us. So many people say that when they achieved their body goals (for example) it didn't make any other issues or unhappiness just disappear. When you get feelings you were saying about wanting hot girls - try to remind yourself that they are not objects and may have all the same insecurities as you. While of course it's absolutely normal to just be physically attracted to people and not want anything serious, it still might be pretty cold and transactional and not necessarily what you hoped it would be.

Also, it's so easy for all of us to list off what we feel are bad qualities about us but we tend to overlook the good stuff.

 

 

[Anonymous3831]

[uSER=2****]Anonymous3831[/uSER] Hey, thanks for opening up to the community. Firstly, it's hard to know what a diagnosis would be as you would need a full consultation with a trained professional and we don't have the training and experience to do that. If you do have the means, it's definitely worth seeking help via your doctor to get referred as they would fully evaluate you.

It's hard to feel so low about yourself like this and we know how it can be amplified by comparison irl and especially online. A good start is to begin recognising triggers, so for example, unfollow anyone online that doesn't make you feel good about yourself (it might be a PT who appears perfectly sculpted). In recognising triggers, it's a good start to taking steps to find strategies.

Another viewpoint worth considering is thinking about what achieving these goals would give you - we can assume that if we fulfil all the goals we will suddenly be happier and our lives will all fall into place but the reality is we are all a work in progress and our outer aesthetics don't change what's inside us. So many people say that when they achieved their body goals (for example) it didn't make any other issues or unhappiness just disappear. When you get feelings you were saying about wanting hot girls - try to remind yourself that they are not objects and may have all the same insecurities as you. While of course it's absolutely normal to just be physically attracted to people and not want anything serious, it still might be pretty cold and transactional and not necessarily what you hoped it would be.

Also, it's so easy for all of us to list off what we feel are bad qualities about us but we tend to overlook the good stuff.

 

 

Also for me it's sort of a power thing, I want to be great looking due to having more power on tinder/bumble/real life stuff. Because it seems that when you are you just have more options and don't have to worry as much if someone were going to leave you since you have options to go to other people or you can attract the opposite sex easier. I know there's certain attributes about oneself that you can't change but I know if you get a better body and have good hygiene that goes a long way. I don't believe you should only look for physical characteristics in people when trying to find dates but for me it's more about just having fun.

 

One thing that can trigger me is thinking about how some people are just born with superior genetics for looks. Not sure why it just does, but I don't blame my lack of attraction for hot girls on tinder/bumble due to that, I just don't have the body/best photos yet.

 

Also I'm not sure why I go into such detail with things sometimes sorry

[Blondie]

@Anonymous3831 Dont apologise! That's what this space is for

[busylizzie]

Just reading through this thread has gave me a big insight on how mental health effects people. Thank you for sharing your experience.