Should I bare all my heart or is it time to stop?

[lonelymanofwinter]

I'm 14, going on 15. Next month I'll start studying in high school, one that is super selective and so far away from my hometown. Anyway, I have this intimate relationship with an ex-classmate. We're good friends, at sometimes I consider him as my only friend in this world. I guess he likes to befriend me because once he said I'm strong in b�th ways, mentally and phýically. Or at least I was. I have my own problems with my body image and social awkwardness. To the point that I complain too much that he starts to lose respect on me. I don't know, but I was just saying what I think, what I feel, and somehow all I feel is depressed. I liked him, but I know we'll never gonna be together. I never told him that I do because I was afraid. I have come to put up with that thought, and it falls in to oblivion.

Or so I thought.

He has some other female friends whom he has history with. One of them is in our former class, and I don't like her because she is mean to people while she probably think she's being honest. She and my friend used to be close, he had spend hours doing the favours she asked for. But somehow they weren't friends any more. That started the time that I consider him as my bestfriend. I shared my own thoughts, my personal writings,etc. I'm sure that it was a great time for both of us.

Last night, he reconcile to her. He screenshotted their texts, joking around that he needs a girl and ask if i wanted to be his but shrugged it out as it was just a joke. All I responded was "haha" then we moved on. But no, I wasn't that fine. By that time when he send the 3 screenshots of them having conversations, I have felt cold. Suddenly I sobbed and I was a mess, holding things around me to warm up as if it was winter. His actions, though I know he didn't mean it, made all of my insecurities to come back, that they told me I wasnt good enough, I am a fat mess, nobody wants me. I don't want to be like this. I hate being like this, a sobbing mess for something like that. Right now, all I can say is that our relationship has been downgrading ever since I started sharing my depressing thoughts to him.

Should I say what I really think, or should I just let it dies slowly? I've come so far to establish a friendship like that as I am introverted, and the thought of me being in a new environment in that selective high school scares me more.

What should I do?

Edited July 21, 2019 by lonelymanofwinter

[Mammu]

Hi @lonelymanofwinter!

It is very unfortunate that you are in the kind of situation, where you think that you are not good enough. You should never EVER think that. You are worth everything and so much more.

But regarding your problem, the best advice that I can give you is just to talk to him. Have an open conversation with him. Let him know how you feel about everything or just some things if you aren´t ready yet. After all, honesty is the best policy. And if you think that things aren´t going to work out, then just cut yourself loose and find yourself a person (or people) who really cares about you.

 

Good luck!