I don't know what to do...

[Marv]

I'm just a mess right now. I feel so shitty. I'm always telling people, friends etc., that if they need help, just ask someone, tell someone. And now I'm the one feeling like I can't tell someone. Right now, so much is going through my head, my brain feels like a clogged up drain. I'm one of those people who naturally worries about stuff, gets suspicious easily, and over thinks things. I've always been like it. But lately stuff has gotten out of hand... I posted on the disability forum (you can read what's mostly going on here: https://www.ditchthelabel.org/community/forum/disability/29400-i-really-need-some-help ).

I'm going through a break up at the moment too which isn't helping me. Sometimes, I just want to go down the road to the forest by myself, sit and just take a breather, listen to the birds and the tree leaves rustle. The forest is a little bit of a walk away, not too far, but the spot I like to sit at it quite far into the forest. The other day, me and my mom had a chat about all this (everything in the link above and the whole relationship thing), and we're at least on the same page. But I still feel shit. I really do. My mom is really understanding, and we have a great relationship, it's just , I feel like if I go to the forest for a walk, she'll be like 'Where are you/why are you there/what's wrong/I thought we agreed to have everything out so I understand now/ blah blah blah. I'm just so... UGH, I'm angry, I'm frustrated, I'm upset, I feel embarrassed, I feel stupid, I feel annoying, I feel lost, but also proud of myself and happy that I told her everything. It's all easier to understand if you follow the link and read that post (it's VERY long, but the context helps).

[Remi]

Hello @Marv

 

Sorry you are feeling shitty, no one deserves to feel like that. You are so good at supporting others in your real life and on this community because you are really empathetic. The thing with very giving people is that they often feel life a lot harder than others and it's really important to check in with yourself regularly when you are supporting other people.

 

You are managing a lot of traumatic experiences right now, which anyone would struggle with so be easy on yourself right now and just try to take every day as it comes.

 

I think going to the forest to be more mindful and more present is such a great way of self-soothing and you should be proud of yourself that you had had the resilience to find something that makes you feel better.

 

Why don't you just communicate to your Mum that going to the forest is actually a really positive place for you to go when you need to be reflective and meditate? You could agree to have a hand signal or a code word to say if it's a bad day and agree that a lot of the time you just want to go to get some 'me' time.

 

You have nothing to be ashamed and you should always be proud of yourself for communicating your emotions to your support network - that's such an important thing.

[Marv]

@Remi I suppose that makes sense. I always thought it was just me being silly or over reacting, it's good to know that it's actually a thing: being really empathetic sometimes means I feel the world harder. Makes a lot of sense now. Small things, things that may not bother other people, or issues that my parents probably wouldn't see as a big deal, often are a big deal to me. For example, I get super suspicious of things, so I notice if they're acting weirdly/differently when others wont; I know if they're talking about me, or have done, I know if they're suspicious of me - like yesterday I started cleaning my room up, it was so messy, I know a cleaner space makes for a better mindset; it felt good to clean the mess up. Instantly, I knew they thought it was strange because I don't usually do that. It's like some super power, being overly suspicious and knowing when people are acting up.

 

Yeah, the forest is great. I might try and tell her I want to go there more often. Thing is, last time I went down there and said that's where I'd been, she was like 'oh no, I don't like you going there' because apparently dodgy people go there (I've never seen any dodgy people there, I only ever see people walking their dogs, running or walking there), I guess she's just a concerned mom is all. I just know that it's a good place for me, nature and animals seem to calm me down massively, as does the ocean and beaches.

 

There is one positive thing coming from all this: I'm looking forward to university a lot more now. I want to join an LGBTQ+ group, a disability group if I can, get fit and really focus on myself.

 

Edited July 11, 2019 by Marv