What's my sexual orientation?

[soppaska]

Okay, this might end up being a looooong post, so buckle up.

 

I have been confused about my sexual orientation since forever. I know that it is not necessary for anyone to find a label and relate to it and in my personal view the labels are also too restrictive, but as someone who sadly relies on labels quite a lot, I would like to find one that fits me in order to understand myself a little better.

 

I think the biggest obstacle in determining my sexuality is that I just do not know what attraction is - what does it feel like and what causes it? In addition, I have always been confused about the concept of crushes - what are they and how does one realize that they are crushing on someone? I have so many difficulties with recognizing these emotions in myself, and so I'm not sure if I have ever experienced them. There have been times when I have spent AGES trying to find out if something I'm experiencing is attraction or a crush, but all the sources I have used have just discussed these topics in very abstract, strange terms that have not been of much help.

 

I think I might have had fleeting crushes. I'm not really sure if they were crushes, and I'm not sure if they were romantic crushes or just those nice little friend crushes that you get when you platonically really like someone and enjoy spending time with them and think they are quite fun and cute. Also, to further complicate the situation, whenever I recognize that I might be becoming too attached to someone, I just kind of... stop being myself from liking them by thinking about things I do not like about them.

 

I also think I might have had fleeting moments of feeling attraction, but those are something I have a hard time understanding and they really, really confuse me. If there's something common among the people I have been attracted to, it's confidence and, more often than not, being gender non-conforming. Although I have had way more fleeting moments of attraction towards people who identify as male, I doubt I'm heterosexual - especially because many of my could-be crushes have been on girls and non-binary people. I'm aware that romantic attraction and sexual attraction are two separate things, but I suppose they are rather entwined, aren't they?

 

In addition, although other people's opinions rarely matter when it comes to an individual's sexuality, I think it would be interesting to consider what people around me have said about me. Many of my friends have said that they could never even imagine me in a relationship (which is sad, since I'm secretly a romantic and would really like to be in some sort of a relationship; I like the idea), and even more often people say that they have no clue about my sexuality. I have met people who think I'm completely straight, but those are strangers and I think the idea is just based on heteronormativity and has nothing to do with me; I have friends who are convinced I'm homosexual, but I also have friends who think I'm not a sexual being on any level. I don't know what people base their perceptions on, but I think the lesbian one is based on the way I interact with my friends, most of which are girls: I have been told that I am quite flirtatious by nature once I get out of my shell - even though I'm not aware of it myself (????).

 

So, for a long time I have been thinking that I might be either (grey-)asexual or pansexual. Based on my view of the world, I don't think a person's gender would/should affect the way I perceive them sexually/romantically, which has led me to thinking I'm pan. However, since I suppose I'm one of the few people who have to actively ask and research what attraction and crushing and stuff like that are like, I think there is a possibility that I have actually never experienced any of those and am ace/aro.

 

I don't know if this post made any sense but pleeeeeease share your thoughts with me if you have anything constructive to say about the topic. Anyone have similar experiences about defining and understanding attraction/crushes/etc? Any ideas on what my sexuality could be?

[Lauren or Tom]

Hello,

 

you sound like u might be asexual. I've only just 'labelled' myself asexual and starting to consider whether I'm aromantic as well but before then, I really wanted to label myself something. Including my gender which is a completely different subject.

I have experienced many crushes as well but I realised that they were phases but then dream about the last person I liked kissing me. And im jealous of a boy and girl being a so-called couple but I think that that's my mind and my brain fighting with each other.

I have always imagined myself sexually or romantically attracted to people but i dont have that drive which is why i 'labelled' myself as asexual. I dont want to be asexual but I can't choose that either, the same way you can't choose to be gay or trans etc.

You can also be panromantic or biromantic, ur romantically attracted to those genders but you aren't sexually.

Another thing is that ive found it easier, when i feel confident, talking to people who have gone through the same thing that im going through now both with my asexuality and gender.

 

Hope this helps,

Tom

 

 

[Blondie]

@soppaska I do get what you mean as our attractions (romantic / sexual) aren't particularly fixed but you feel in the moment how you are feeling *now*. And that's important I think as it sounds like you are a very open person and open to relationships with individuals rather than a particular gender.

 

It sounds like you could be pan as you are receptive to being with the right person. We can have crushes on all sorts of people for all sorts of reasons - I know I've crushed on people because they are so funny or super clever or interesting or I really admire them just as much as crushed on them as I've found them attractive.

 

There's no getting away from that we live in a society where other people have perceptions about us but I think that these are for *them* to make sense of the world as they navigate through life. Others' perceptions don't always have any bearing on who we truly are as individuals as they are usually based on fleeting or limited interactions and coloured by all the stereotypes around so to makes sense of the world we get popped in boxes.

 

That got deep - but I hope this makes sense!

[soppaska]

Hello,

 

you sound like u might be asexual. I've only just 'labelled' myself asexual and starting to consider whether I'm aromantic as well but before then, I really wanted to label myself something. Including my gender which is a completely different subject.

I have experienced many crushes as well but I realised that they were phases but then dream about the last person I liked kissing me. And im jealous of a boy and girl being a so-called couple but I think that that's my mind and my brain fighting with each other.

I have always imagined myself sexually or romantically attracted to people but i dont have that drive which is why i 'labelled' myself as asexual. I dont want to be asexual but I can't choose that either, the same way you can't choose to be gay or trans etc.

You can also be panromantic or biromantic, ur romantically attracted to those genders but you aren't sexually.

Another thing is that ive found it easier, when i feel confident, talking to people who have gone through the same thing that im going through now both with my asexuality and gender.

 

Hope this helps,

Tom

 

Hi and thanks for the answer!

 

It is highly possible that I might be asexual. Sorry for asking, but I was wondering if the lack of so-called drive was the main determining factor for you when labelling yourself as asexual?

 

I hope you'll someday like your sexual identity and I wish you all the best! Coming to terms with your sexuality and gender identity must be difficult if there's something specific you would (not) like to be, but you seem like you're on your way to self-acceptance and understanding already, so you're doing a good job. Maybe I'll find some people who might have similar experiences to mine and hopefully talking to them will help me understand myself better.

[soppaska]

@soppaska I do get what you mean as our attractions (romantic / sexual) aren't particularly fixed but you feel in the moment how you are feeling *now*. And that's important I think as it sounds like you are a very open person and open to relationships with individuals rather than a particular gender.

 

It sounds like you could be pan as you are receptive to being with the right person. We can have crushes on all sorts of people for all sorts of reasons - I know I've crushed on people because they are so funny or super clever or interesting or I really admire them just as much as crushed on them as I've found them attractive.

 

There's no getting away from that we live in a society where other people have perceptions about us but I think that these are for *them* to make sense of the world as they navigate through life. Others' perceptions don't always have any bearing on who we truly are as individuals as they are usually based on fleeting or limited interactions and coloured by all the stereotypes around so to makes sense of the world we get popped in boxes.

 

That got deep - but I hope this makes sense!

Thank your for the answer, I do think it makes sense for the most part!

 

I'm definitely open to individuals rather than genders, but I wonder if I am open enough for anyone. I would like to meet "the right person", but I also feel like that is something unattainable - though I don't know if that's about my sexual/romantic preferences or my personality as it is. I definitely understand that other people's perceptions do not matter when it comes to matters related to sexuality, but I also enjoy hearing how other people perceive things. (Also, if you somehow end up coming back here, could you maybe describe what having a crush on someone is like?)

[Blondie]

@soppaska For me a crush is thinking about that person way more than you think of other people. They are on your mind a lot and you seem to really love everything they do. Whether they are funny or intelligent - in my mind they're the funniest or the nicest or the *most* intelligent etc. I find it hard to see their flaws.