Parental Problems

[anna_34]

So my relationship with my parents has always been one sided. They care too much. I have Indian parents and my dad works in a government job so we move around a lot. Don't get me wrong, I really do care about them, and they care for me too but sometimes it gets out of hand. Being Indian, my parents are pretty non stereotypical. They can be overprotective but I'm allowed to go out with my friends, have sleepovers, be friends with boys and stuff. My dad is the BEST! I love him so much, he works so hard for us, and is almost always in a good mood! He's been in a lot of stress lately due to his work but he always tries to find time for us (me and my little sister) and always makes us laugh. He never criticizes me or makes me feel bad. My mother however... She also stresses a lot and often takes it out on us and my father. She yells a lot, sometimes even when I haven't done anything wrong. She's even hit me a few times. But most of this abuse is generally mental. She called me "fat" or calls my um, 'behind' fat, tells me I have big thighs in Hindi (our home language) jokingly but then gets mad when I take it to heart. SHE'S MY MOTHER. SHE'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE TELLING ME STUFF LIKE THIS. HOW COULD I NOT TAKE IT SERIOUSLY?! Plus, I'm going back to India to visit in the next few months and all the girls in India are super skinny and tall and beautiful. I feel totally out of place every time I go there with my big thighs, big chest, not-so-flat stomach, non attractive facial features etc. She can be amazing at times, funny, motherly, gives good advice but most of the times it's kind of like I'm trapped in a prison of some sort where the only happiness I get in the day is with my dad. My sister, learning from my mother sometimes comments on my weight or figure (she's skinny and healthy UNLIKE me). I don't know what to do. Sometimes when I go over to a friend's house, and I come back after quite a bit of time, and I tell my family about how much fun it was, my mom replies with "Yeah yeah they're better than us right? You wish you could live with them!" and it hurts to have her think I don't care about our family. I think I've stopped loving her...

Overall, I don't know what to do. I just cannot wait to get a job and get the hell out of this place. I am grateful trust me, but having an emotionally abusive mother is not what I was wishing for. All my friends have mom's they can talk to about boyfriends, friend issues, body problems while I don't have anyone but my friends. And I'm not sure I could talk to my dad about boy issues or body issues. He wouldn't understand.

Does anyone else have kind of the same issue as me? Please comment I would like to know I'm not alone in this..

[Blondie]

@anna_34

Thanks so much for opening up and firstly, please let me reassure you that you are not alone in this. While we can all have differences / be embarrassed by / fall out with most parents / guardians while growing up, there are times when it is genuinely hurtful and may need addressing.

 

Looking from the outside, do you think your mum needs support at home? I don’t know if she also works but do you think maybe a lot is left to her around the home and childcare which may be getting on top of her?

 

As your mum has raised questions after you’ve had a great time at friends, it sounds like she does realise everything isn’t quite right between you. Are there times when she is generally less stressed that you could spend some alone time with her and have a bit of a heart to heart and say that it really does hurt your feelings. If you approach it in a way that is less confrontational it’s more likely to have an effect.

 

So that means to address the words / behaviour rather than the person. You could start with something like “I know you really worry and care about me, but when you say…it makes me feel…� You could add that you’d really like to have an awesome relationship with her so it’s a very positive conversation and generally people are far more likely to respond well.

 

If that doesn’t work, are there any extended family like an aunt / family friend that you trust who may be able to check in with your mum and see how she’s feeling? This isn’t to reduce what you are experiencing but more to find a way forward.

 

How does that sound?

 

[anna_34]

@Blondie Thank you so much for responding!

Yes, my mom does work. She's a teacher.

I actually did talk to my aunt that's closest to my mom and figured out some stuff. Apparently my mom is really stressed about having to go back to India. See, we were supposed to go to Brazil but my grandparents are getting old and my parents want to be there to take care of them (since last time, when we were in Virginia, my grandmother passed away and my parents couldn't be at the funeral because it was on so short notice) My mom's worried about our (me and my sister's) education (India is super tough) and lifestyle. She's always leaving her job here (which she loved very much) and that troubles her too.

And I do understand how this, along with many other family problems (relatives etc) can stress her out, and I do understand why she sometimes lets it out on us, it's basic human nature.

It's just not so great to hear your mom say "bad" stuff to your already low self esteemed self.

I'll try talking to her. Thank you so so much, I'm so glad I found this website!

[Blondie]

@anna_34 This makes sense now you know more but I agree, it can't excuse her being mean to you / taking it out on you. I'd definitely consider having a 1:1 chat with her and acknowledge her worries and look at how you can support each other through it. Bring up that it upsets you when she says that stuff so you'd rather she shared her worries instead.

 

We're always here!

[anna_34]

@Blondie Thank you so much, I'll do my best!