My sexuality is kind of a mess. Help to figure it out?

[nev24]

Okay so here's the thing. I am a 22 year girl now and I've been in doubt about my sexuality since I was a teenager. My attraction to men was always fairly clear, but with women there's a lot of mixed signals so I'm not sure if I like them. At first, in my fear and ignorance I was so scared of the possibility of being other than straight. I was attracted to boys, but sensed some kind of attraction to girls (more on that later) and was kinda in denial. You know, even if people around you are supportive, there's always some difficult issues around it.

 

Time passed, and I accepted it wasn't such a big deal if I liked girls, but I really wasn't sure if I did, so I adopted a posture of just not label myself. I would let others assume I was straight and live with the idea of an open mind regarding sexuality. I thought if I really liked an actual girl at some point enough to start a relationship I would just come out then.

 

However, lately I've been wondering about labels again. I believe I think I'm somewhere between heterosexual and bisexual (or 1/2 in Kinsey scale), but I'm struggling with it because there seems to be a divergence between what I sexually like and what I romantically like, so I'm also considering cross-orientation (heteroromantic bisexual maybe?). I would like to share some details of what's going on in my mind and see if it is any clearer from the outside.

 

- I've had guy crushes, but never liked a girl before.

- I fantasize more about romantic relationships with guys (kisses, hugs, cuddling...). I don't really see myself with a girlfriend, but I don't dislike the idea entirely. I just think that maybe I need to find the right person under very specific circumstances.

- I've felt sexually attracted to the guys I've had a crush on.

- I've never felt sexually attracted to any girl I personally know, or just casually come across. This means I've never really felt the desire of having sex with any girl in real life.

- However, I am usually very aware of female bodies, sometimes even more than males'. It is normal for me to focus on a girl's body when I am walking in the street or on the train. Sometimes even find some girl cute (although this is more applicable to guys).

- I do like the idea of having lesbian sex, I just don't picture any specific girl in the scene. It's just an anonymous face.

- I am visually aroused with naked females in porn or internet pictures. I usually prefer lesbian porn, but that's also because I don't like the penis-centered porn which is the most common out there.

- I am aroused with guys also, but in a different way. I tend to focus more on what they do during sexual intercourse more than specific parts of their body.

- In that way, you could say the physical attraction to women is stronger than to men, or at least considering their bodies. However, this fluctuates a lot over time.

- When I fantasize, however, I picture male/female couples. I focus on the girl and what is being done to her. This is probably because I project myself in her, but the scene is not always a first-person view, sometimes it's a third person scene, and very very rarely I play the part of the guy (but it's always weird).

 

So, with all that being considered, bisexual with preference towards men seems the more plausible option, but it doesn't feel quite right because my attraction doesn't cover every aspect of liking a girl. Also, the concept of cross-orientation is quite new to me and don't fully know about it, and also seems too complicated in terms of labelling, but maybe that's what fits better.

 

As I said, it's kind of a mess, I'm sure there must be some contradiction in all that text. What do you think I should go for?

[Remi]

Hey @nev24

 

Welcome to the community!

 

You have clearly given this lots of thought... and sometimes I think there is a danger to overthink our sexuality.

 

It sounds like you have interests in both men and women but can mainly see yourself in a relationship with a man.

 

I think the way you describe feeling attracted to women and also preferring to watch female porn is something a lot of people who are bisexual and who aren't can relate to. This is because everything in media we see is about the sexualisation of women a lot more than men.

 

I would still say to not focus on labels - you are what you are and no label will ever be able to define the complexities on a unique individuals identity it is always more complicated than that and also can be ever changing.

 

You are doing the right thing by questioning and exploring, just continue to do that and it will become clearer for you.

 

I hope some of this helps,

 

-Remi

 

 

[Marv]

This comment may be quite long, so prepare yourself.

 

So, I can relate hugely to your post. So don't worry, you are not the only one.

Firstly, Remi is right, sexuality is hugely complicated and complex. Some people know their sexuality young - I've read people's stories and at aged 12 they knew they were lesbian, for instance - and some require years until they feel confident defining themselves. In addition, it doesn't really matter if you label yourself or not. But I get where you're coming from; I'll get more into it in a second, but I feel the same: I don't need to label myself, but I feel the desire to know what my label is? and I feel that if I have a label, when/if someone asks, I can just say one word and it's done. But also, there is no rush in discovering yourself - I guess it's just more helpful to know? for yourself and others. It also makes it easier when buying a badge for your jacket haha. I always take ages deciding whether to get a bisexual or a lesbian one haha.

 

So,my story: I realised I liked girls some years ago, and like you I was in denial. I was NOT familiar with the whole idea that one may like the same sex. I had no idea. I remember when I realised VERY clearly. I'd video called a girl and literally as soon as she answered I was like WOAH! She was gorgeous. But, guess what? I freaked out. I deleted her and never spoke or called her again. I unadded her from the game we played and that was that. Sure, I feel bad, but it was a shock. I couldn't get her out my head for several weeks, I panicked like hell. At the same time, I was also crushing on a male Youtuber. Funny, eh?

 

Now: I'm 18 and I've only ever liked two males. One of them was the Youtuber, who I quickly got over. The second I've been dating for a few months (which I'm about to drop due to total loss of interest). I've realised that I get jealous when I see girls holding hands, kissing - I get jealous of my female friend who has a girlfriend too. I've started to really fantasize about having a girlfriend, and my instincts are telling me so. The more I think about it, I also realise that I HATE the idea of sexual intercourse with a male. I hate the whole penis thing, it's disgusting. Absolutely rank. I wouldn't say I'd happily have sexual intercourse with a girl (this is where I wonder if I'm asexual haha because I dont like the general idea of sex) but if I had to choose, i'd go girl any day over a man. I can see myself holding hands with a girl. It's amazing to think about.

 

So, do I label myself lesbian, or bisexual? I want to label myself as lesbian, but if I've liked two guys, even if it's only for a very short time, does that count me as bi? or does my lack of desire for sex make me asexual? It's confusing to think about.

 

Reading your comment, I'd say you're most definitely not straight. That's a start! I would say you're probably bisexual, because you seem to have an equal(ish) liking for certain aspects of both genders, whether that be in a sexual or romantic way; you swing both ways as my friend would say. But as I said, it is a complex thing, it doesn't HAVE to be labelled. I would say look into bisexuality, and the other sexualities which are related to it. You could read a definition and something might spark in your brain that goes 'Ah! That's me!" but also, follow your instincts. They tend to know more about you than you do. Eventually you'll find someone you click with, like a puzzle, and whether it's a girl or boy, it's love and it doesn't matter.

 

Hope this helps, and hope I didn't confuse you more!