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Hi to all

I'm new to this but thought why not try a safe space. I was bullied from primary school to uni because of my looks, I was also in a very abusive relationship and now suffer with severe anxiety and depression. I'll admit after years I'm still trying to learn who I am and how to cope. Who else out there has experiences with bullying and how do you get through it ?

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I found this website today and this is the first post I ran into. I was bullied from elementary school throughout high school by over 15 different people, including my own father, never in a physical way, but I believe there is no better or worse measure when it comes to pain. Verbal and physical abuse should both be brought to light and not ignored nor put on a scale. I am currently on the final stage of my Senior year of high school throughout which the bullying finally stopped, however, life just does not seem to take a break and I found out one of the people that made my life hell during all of middle school now wants to become a psychologist and is all about mental health awareness and positivity. It was not hard finding out about this at all, I would go into school every morning walking down the hallways and start having a panic attack as flashbacks of everything would try to resurface. Nobody ever noticed that which I'm grateful for as I have been working on my depression and anxiety for quite some time now. I honestly am not a fan of talking about these two states because it just is not fair that people have to be stuck with these mental states their entire life all due to others not really being happy or being at discomfort with themselves, as all characteristics-of-a-bully research claims. I barely remember anything any of these people did to me, I try, but I just cannot. At times I think it might be for the better, but it completely frustrates me that I wasted so many nights crying, staying up and not being able to sleep, feeling so lousy to the point where I just shut down my feelings, all for nothing, no memories, no justification for this energy-sucking feeling. I only seem to remember how I felt at the time, but it seems that I caused these feelings upon myself for nothing, just for being too sensitive, a quality many people have pointed out about me. I know this reply quotes to "be as descriptive as possible" but I do not believe the words to represent all these experiences even exists, they are just events that have happened and all that is left is a constant internal mocking reminding you of what you have gone through in those times you feel like you are getting back to who you used to be before all this. The truth is, the reality is, that is never going to happen. Many nights I lay down thinking of that little girl who used to stay up at nights writing all the thoughts that came to her for hours on end and my mother who would not be able to sleep as she also went through this with me. It eats away at me that I put her through this, I still do at times, and this is what hurts me the most. Maybe it is because this feeling is present, it is always in the now, she has always been through every now... at least the ones I have let her, of course. I have seen her get tired but still fight for her daughter by any means possible and if those tries were worth nothing, which sometimes, sadly, they are not. Nonetheless, she sticks around even when it can be seen that she too is losing hope, strength, and drive for this fight. My bullying might be over in the now, but I still have to deal with the repercussions that come with what feels like being "oppressed". I mentioned "the now" and the "present" because this is a way in which I have dealt with my anxiety and depression, they still come, and there are days that seem like you have given the last you have to fight all these draining feelings. However, what has mostly helped me is making a deal with myself which is to make every decision based on what I am feeling and if I agree with the action, word or event that I am planning to take out in this current moment, then future me is going to have to be okay with this decision too, as present me was. This trick has worked every time since I implemented it a few months ago and although I still have not perfected my ways to deal with depression or anxiety, it has helped give me the control that is lost during those times people oppress you. I hope this little trick can help anyone that needs it and although not everyone may relate with the bits I shared of my experience, I hope this can be of any help through your process.

Wishing everyone a wonder-filled day!

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