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Coming Out as Bi to my homophobic family


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I just recently discovered I was bisexual, and I am terrified. My mom is not a prominent figure in my life anymore, so I live with my dad and my younger brother. They are known to make anti-LGBT statements and jokes, and I want to tell them about this new discovery of mine because they both mean so much to me. I've already come out to 3 of my closest friends, one of which who is bi also, but I want to tell my family because it's a huge deal for me, and I'm really stressed and overwhelmed by everything that's going on

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Hey Tana16, ?'??

 

Welcome to Ditch the Label. Thank you for your post, I can really relate to what you are going through it is scary when we don't know what will happen but you are doing the right thing getting support.

 

So happy you told your friends and it was positive. Has your Bi friend come out to their parents?

 

It is natural to feel overwhelmed but do bear in mind there is no rush and in my experience it can sometimes be a good thing to slow things down if it is stressing you out alot. It takes the pressure off and gives you space to grow your acceptance. As the most important person in all of this is you and how you feel about being bi. With that said I also know what it feels like to not be able to wait any longer. What do you think, do you need and want to do it now? No right or wrong answer, just good to pause around big stuff.

 

Also have a read of this article it has some really helpful pointers to bear in mind when coming out to your Dad and brother.

 

https://www.ditchthelabel.org/coming-out-homophobic-parents/

 

Let me know what you think.

 

Sending positivity and support. ?'??'?

 

-peach311

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Thank you.

My bi friend came out to her parents by bringing her girlfriend home and saying "this is my girlfriend. Either accept it or don't."

She's a lot more outgoing than I am and on top of that I have severe social anxiety, which is adding to the stress of this situation. Because my head is telling me to fear the worst reaction when coming out to my family. I want to come out as soon as possible, but I don't know how or when, and I'm paranoid about my dads reaction. I don't know if he's going to be accepting or if he's going to kick me out or if he's going to let me stay with him but secretly resent me and I'm trying to think of ways to come out to him without making him angry.

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Hey Tana16, ?

 

Ok good to know. So a few things that jumped out at me. Firstly, your safety and wellbeing is the most important thing in this situation. So Is there an adult you trust to tell before you tell your Dad. It could be a teacher or a family friend? I want to make sure you have support and options in case his reaction is very negative.

 

What is so scary about coming out is we can't control other people's reaction to our sexuality in exactly the same way we can't control or choose our sexuality. So we try really hard to think of ways to make it ok for our loved ones to be in your case Bisexual. What I want you to know is that whatever reaction your Dad has being Bisexual is 100% normal, natural and nothing to be ashamed of. There are hundreds and hundreds of details that all contribute to your identity and make you uniquely you and your sexuality is just another one. It is not all of you. But right now it is very big and coming out to your Dad is the next step you want to take.

 

What kind of relationship do you have with your Dad? Do you talk about bigger stuff together?

 

In terms of the how and when, keep it simple, be direct and talk as honestly as you feel comfortable doing. Always somewhere private so you won't be disturbed. I'm not sure if you have seen this article but it also has great suggestions, in terms of the how, when and what you can do to prepare. Have a read and let me know if you have any questions about any of them and we can discuss them together.

 

https://www.ditchthelabel.org/coming-out-to-your-parents/

 

Above all please don't feel alone with this because you are not. I am here to help any way I can.

 

Sending positivity and support. ?'?

 

-peach311

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I have one adult that I trust with everything, and that's my dads girlfriend. I tell her absolutely everything and she listens. Doesn't give advice as much as she listens. I have an okay relationship with my dad. He's pretty cool, lets me do a lot. But when he's mad, he's scary. He's got a really loud intimidating voice and he's scary. And he's not too happy with the last few decisions I've made, which is putting a strain of sorts on our relationship. I don't tell him barely anything, until it gets to the point where I have a mental breakdown and suddenly everything comes out at once. So that's not really helpful in this situation

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Have you thought about telling your dad's girlfriend first so you can make a plan to tell your Dad together, plus get extra support from her?

 

Making decisions that are parents are not happy with is going to happen for everyone so don't give yourself a hard time and as annoying as it might sound it's a big part of growing up. Your Dad loves you and wants you happy and any frustrations will be coming from wanting the best for you.

 

Learning how to communicate well with my Dad has been one long learning curve. What I've learnt from it though is that things always got tougher when I stop talking to him and shut him out. So maybe another thing to think about would be talking to him about how you feel when things build and build and how you can work together to stop that happening?

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I want to talk to my dads girlfriend, but i haven't found the right time.

As for talking to my dad, I tried. He got really confused and threatened to put me in a mental hospital because he didn't know what to do with me. He didn't end up doing that, but he put me back in councilling full time and I went back on medication, but that hasn't been helping much. The last time I tried telling my dad anything about my anxiety or anything about my depression and why I hold things in, he told me I was making it up, that I wanted attention, that I was lazy, that I shut people out because I'm on my phone all the time, and it was not a huge help with my relationship with him. That's part of the reason I'm so scared. Because I'm afraid he's going to say that I'm just saying I'm bi because I want attention, and he won't see this is part of who I am.

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That's brilliant that you can and want to talk to your Dad's girlfriend. You deserve support and to be heard. What about arranging something where it will just be you guys together and see how you feel telling her then.

 

That is tough, feeling unheard is the worst and it sounds like your Dad can be quite critical of your behaviour which naturally makes opening up feel like the last thing you want to do.

 

There is still so much ignorance surrounding bisexuality. Being Bisexual is NOT attention seeking any more than being heterosexual is, I hate that so many people have that reaction. I want to be honest with you that could be exactly what your Dad says or he could say it's a phase or your too young to know. None of which are true. Whatever he does say it will be his first reaction, which generally are unpredictable and not always lasting. Chances are high he won't know much about bisexuality and will need some help understanding it. So take the time to educate him. If you look at the article above 1. 6. and 7. are exactly what I'm talking about.

 

If his reaction is not what you hoped for don't give up, he might just need more time. Remember this isn't about him. It's about you and who you truly are. Show him that you are the same person he has always loved, just more honest now. ??

 

Let me know what you think.

 

Sending positivity. ?

 

-peach311'???

 

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  • 3 weeks later...

You should tell your Dad's girlfriend first, so that when you tell your Dad, she has your back. Also, you might want to see if you could stay at her place if talking to your Dad doesn't go as planned. Hope all goes well.

 

spacemonkey

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