I need to rant abt my dad + I'm confused abt his behavior

[ribboness]

So some context is that I just turned 18 and I have 2 younger brothers but the only relevant one to this story is 13. So since I was in my sophmore year of hs (right after covid) my da had been super strict w me and ik a lot of it is regaring how my older cousins act which scares him yk. Either way so much has happened from my dad thinking i git drunk at a party (there was no alcohol and it was me and 5 ppl) to thinking I was turning off my location to go do drugs or smthn (i was at my school library and my wifi sucked) keep in mind my cousins dont do anyt of those things and i have never done them either. not to sound annoying or anything but i am a good kid i get good grades i dont lie abt where im going or who i am with i dont do drugs or smoke or anything and ive been besically co parenting my little brothers. so i never understood why he was like this. The reason im writing abt it here is because last night my little brither (13) gt caught trying to sneak out of our house at night to meet uo with his gf. now none of me or my brothers have done this or tries to so i expected my dads reaction to be crazy like ge normally does with me. i also wanna add that his reaction to thing ive "done" in the past were grounding me or breaking my phone and making me use a flip phone or even stopping me form going to school. not what he did with my brother at all. now dont get me wrong i dont WANT him to do any of that to my brother and im happy his reaction is better that usully but im confused. he only (calmly) talked with him a few times about it and when my brother finally admitted to him that the girl was his hf my dad was happy and excited. keep in mind we arent allowed to date and esp ppl outside of our religion and culture (which this girl was) so i assumed the worst woyld happen but ig not. and im so lost bc if this was me i just know i would be locked in my house and grounded for life im sure. but the worst that happened to him was my mom looking thru his messages and taking away his phone. which coming form my mom is nothing. so im a little hurt that ive been treated so badly esp when it comes to things i didnt do but when my little brither actuallu does smthn like this is a slap on the wrist. like if i was caught even dating a guy i would b so dead, but my dad is HAPPY for him. idk why such diffrent reactions. And i wanna mantion that 2 days ago I was getting yelled at for hours bc i didnt make it 10000% clear to my dad that I was inviting my friends AND family to my bday party and he was gonna make me cancel it.  so its not like "oh maybe hes in a better mood" bc no hes not. ive never given him any reason not to trust me and im so hurt that after all these years im still being treated like that esp when im doing everything in my power to try and gain his trust. also sorry abt the spelling

[Lennie]

6 hours ago, ribboness said:

So some context is that I just turned 18 and I have 2 younger brothers but the only relevant one to this story is 13. So since I was in my sophmore year of hs (right after covid) my da had been super strict w me and ik a lot of it is regaring how my older cousins act which scares him yk. Either way so much has happened from my dad thinking i git drunk at a party (there was no alcohol and it was me and 5 ppl) to thinking I was turning off my location to go do drugs or smthn (i was at my school library and my wifi sucked) keep in mind my cousins dont do anyt of those things and i have never done them either. not to sound annoying or anything but i am a good kid i get good grades i dont lie abt where im going or who i am with i dont do drugs or smoke or anything and ive been besically co parenting my little brothers. so i never understood why he was like this. The reason im writing abt it here is because last night my little brither (13) gt caught trying to sneak out of our house at night to meet uo with his gf. now none of me or my brothers have done this or tries to so i expected my dads reaction to be crazy like ge normally does with me. i also wanna add that his reaction to thing ive "done" in the past were grounding me or breaking my phone and making me use a flip phone or even stopping me form going to school. not what he did with my brother at all. now dont get me wrong i dont WANT him to do any of that to my brother and im happy his reaction is better that usully but im confused. he only (calmly) talked with him a few times about it and when my brother finally admitted to him that the girl was his hf my dad was happy and excited. keep in mind we arent allowed to date and esp ppl outside of our religion and culture (which this girl was) so i assumed the worst woyld happen but ig not. and im so lost bc if this was me i just know i would be locked in my house and grounded for life im sure. but the worst that happened to him was my mom looking thru his messages and taking away his phone. which coming form my mom is nothing. so im a little hurt that ive been treated so badly esp when it comes to things i didnt do but when my little brither actuallu does smthn like this is a slap on the wrist. like if i was caught even dating a guy i would b so dead, but my dad is HAPPY for him. idk why such diffrent reactions. And i wanna mantion that 2 days ago I was getting yelled at for hours bc i didnt make it 10000% clear to my dad that I was inviting my friends AND family to my bday party and he was gonna make me cancel it.  so its not like "oh maybe hes in a better mood" bc no hes not. ive never given him any reason not to trust me and im so hurt that after all these years im still being treated like that esp when im doing everything in my power to try and gain his trust. also sorry abt the spelling

Hi @ribboness -- thanks for sharing your situation and how it's making you feel. You've described being trustworthy, hardworking and conscientious, so understandably you would hope you'd also be treated that way. This seems like an entirely fair expectation as you sound like a very mature person who is nonetheless being treated more like a rebellious child.  It also sounds frustrating that there is a bit of a double standard, where the rules are far less strict with your brother and he gets away with far more than you'd be allowed to. This too must be frustrating. However, I recognise that you don't want your brother to get in more trouble, you simply want to be treated equally and to have the freedom you deserve. And again, this seems entirely reasonable. 

You mentioned religion and culture may be playing a part in some of your dad's strictness, and I wonder if that might also feed into the difference between the expectations your dad puts on you and your brother.  Unfortunately, sometimes it can be the case that women are held to more strict standards in certain traditions, although it may be just your dad's own personal feelings or attitudes that are causing this. Do you think it might be worth trying to bring some of this to him when things are calm, and explain that you feel you have shown you are trustworthy and hardworking and just want to be treated accordingly? You could also ask him what his perspective is on this and see if you could talk it through. Have you tried this before? If so, how did it go? And if you haven't tried this, do you think it's worth a shot?

No need to answer if you'd prefer not to, of course. But please feel free to let us know your thoughts and we can go from there 

[ribboness]

On 10/8/2024 at 3:33 AM, Lennie said:

Hi @ribboness -- thanks for sharing your situation and how it's making you feel. You've described being trustworthy, hardworking and conscientious, so understandably you would hope you'd also be treated that way. This seems like an entirely fair expectation as you sound like a very mature person who is nonetheless being treated more like a rebellious child.  It also sounds frustrating that there is a bit of a double standard, where the rules are far less strict with your brother and he gets away with far more than you'd be allowed to. This too must be frustrating. However, I recognise that you don't want your brother to get in more trouble, you simply want to be treated equally and to have the freedom you deserve. And again, this seems entirely reasonable. 

You mentioned religion and culture may be playing a part in some of your dad's strictness, and I wonder if that might also feed into the difference between the expectations your dad puts on you and your brother.  Unfortunately, sometimes it can be the case that women are held to more strict standards in certain traditions, although it may be just your dad's own personal feelings or attitudes that are causing this. Do you think it might be worth trying to bring some of this to him when things are calm, and explain that you feel you have shown you are trustworthy and hardworking and just want to be treated accordingly? You could also ask him what his perspective is on this and see if you could talk it through. Have you tried this before? If so, how did it go? And if you haven't tried this, do you think it's worth a shot?

No need to answer if you'd prefer not to, of course. But please feel free to let us know your thoughts and we can go from there 

Hello!! Thank you for responding! To be completely honest, I don't think its worth bringing up. I try talking w him about things that bother me but It's not always as helpful as one might think. for example a few months ago I talked with him about how as a college student, I'm not allowed to do a lot of things my peers are and that I'm always feeling left out of stuff bc of it. and that he's a lot more strict than a lot of my friends parents and I'm always getting pinty for ita nd stuff. I wasn't attacking him just brining it up in a normal convo but a few weeks later he was sayibf how it hurt his feelings (?) and was kinda playing the victim. I get he's emotional like I am so I can see how it could have hurt his feelings ig but it really didn't help me much and he just kept using it against me weeks after or causlly bringing it up. if I talked to him abt smthn like this he would either say isk what I'm talking abt and he knows what he's doing is  best for my brother and as the parents he knows the appropriate way to deal with the situation or maybe he would get my brother in more trouble. either way no good for anyone and tbh I don't think there's anything I can do about it. Thats just the way he is and I might talk to my father of confession about it and ik hell want to talk to my dad and that might work but idk I guess I just needed to rant about it bc it was driving me insane.