I'm having problems with a friend of mine

[anonymousthing07865]

We have known each other for six years. We usually meet almost every week, either alone or with our group of friends. I have always shared my problems with him, and although he is very reserved and doesn't like to talk about his own, he has expressed his concerns to me.This summer, we are going to a camp for a week, and to get there, we need to take a plane. Since it was cheaper to buy everything together, I paid for his flight, and he said he would pay me back. I know his family is going through a tough time financially, so I hadn't been pushy about it. This was a month ago.I don't have a good relationship with my father, so when he called me angrily demanding the money for my friend's flight, I said I would ask for it since I don't want to cause more problems with my father. The first messages I sent to my friend were left on read, and when I asked him to please respond, he replied angrily and defensively. When I tried to explain that I didn't mean it in a bad way, he was dry and curt.Very reluctantly, he agreed to pay me back. I'm also not going through a good time; my family barely has any money, my mother is unemployed, and my father doesn't pay child support. All of this is mixed with serious medical issues I've been dealing with for years. I tried to tell him that I know what it's like to go through a tough time, and his response was that I had no idea what I was talking about and he insulted me in various ways.It's not the first time he has insulted me or the rest of the group; whenever he drinks alcohol, he starts off fine but then ends up insulting us, saying we don't pay him enough attention and that we're terrible friends.In the end, he told me he isn't mad at me because he understands it's not my fault, but I'm not sure if he doesn't hold a grudge. I need advice on what to do with him. He has been a good friend, but I don't like being insulted at the slightest provocation, especially considering I've been suffering from severe depression for the past year.It's also important to note that the week-long vacation with him is mandatory since everything is already paid for and I have to go.

[Mestizo]

2 hours ago, anonymousthing07865 said:

We have known each other for six years. We usually meet almost every week, either alone or with our group of friends. I have always shared my problems with him, and although he is very reserved and doesn't like to talk about his own, he has expressed his concerns to me.This summer, we are going to a camp for a week, and to get there, we need to take a plane. Since it was cheaper to buy everything together, I paid for his flight, and he said he would pay me back. I know his family is going through a tough time financially, so I hadn't been pushy about it. This was a month ago.I don't have a good relationship with my father, so when he called me angrily demanding the money for my friend's flight, I said I would ask for it since I don't want to cause more problems with my father. The first messages I sent to my friend were left on read, and when I asked him to please respond, he replied angrily and defensively. When I tried to explain that I didn't mean it in a bad way, he was dry and curt.Very reluctantly, he agreed to pay me back. I'm also not going through a good time; my family barely has any money, my mother is unemployed, and my father doesn't pay child support. All of this is mixed with serious medical issues I've been dealing with for years. I tried to tell him that I know what it's like to go through a tough time, and his response was that I had no idea what I was talking about and he insulted me in various ways.It's not the first time he has insulted me or the rest of the group; whenever he drinks alcohol, he starts off fine but then ends up insulting us, saying we don't pay him enough attention and that we're terrible friends.In the end, he told me he isn't mad at me because he understands it's not my fault, but I'm not sure if he doesn't hold a grudge. I need advice on what to do with him. He has been a good friend, but I don't like being insulted at the slightest provocation, especially considering I've been suffering from severe depression for the past year.It's also important to note that the week-long vacation with him is mandatory since everything is already paid for and I have to go.

Hi @anonymousthing07865. I’m Mestizo, one of the Support Mentors with Ditch the Label. Thank you for sharing about your situation. I want to begin by first welcoming you to the Ditch the Label community as I see you are new in joining us. I wanted to make you aware that in addition to posting and requesting advice here from other community members and Support Mentors, you are also able to make confidential support request by going to the bottle of the webpage and clicking Get Support Now. This will then only be seen by Support Mentors and allow you to share things in a more confidencial space if that is what you are wanting. We are truly happy you have decided to join the community. 

I’m sorry you’ve found yourself in the position you have with your friend. Being that he has been a good friend it sounds like you are wanting to maintain that friendship. Is that correct? Or is your request for advice in trying to figure out what to do with him more related to the fact that you will be stuck with him for a week-long trip and so you want to figure out how to make it manageable while being with him on this trip?

If the former, I have found having a heart to heart conversation with friends to be best done in person and when things are generally going well or okay in the moment. Asking them if you could have a conversation about something that has been weighing on your heart and mind is a good way to invite them into the process. Then prefacing that your goal in having this conversation is to improve and strengthen your relationship with them can be helpful. Using a method called Gentle Start Up can be helpful here. This consists of four steps, but the first three might be the most applicable: 

1. Express how you feel using the ‘I’ statement 

2. About what in a specific, but neutral way

3. Express what you need from the other

In the case where you feel your friend is not being responsive and you determine that continuing this relationship might not be healthy for you then you might consider the fourth step:

4. Explain what the consequence(s) will be

So this could sound something like:

“[Name of friend], I’ve had something on my mind that has been weighing on my heart that has to do with our relationship. I’m wondering if you’re okay with us talking about it. [Assuming they say yes you’d continue]. Lately, I’ve been feeling scared/confused/upset [express whatever the emotion is] about two ideas that are related. This first that you might be holding a grudge against me about my communication with you about asking to get reimbursed for the ticket. The second has to do with how you’ve responded to me at times that have caused me to feel insulted. Now that might not have been your intention, as I believe you value our friendship as I do. But I’m wondering if we might be able to talk about communicating with each other in a different way that feels better for the both of us. What do you think?”

If the situation calls more for the latter, let us know and we can share some thoughts about that as well. But what do you think about what has been suggested here? It’s more than okay to disagree and to ask for other suggestions as well.