My friend is distancing herself

[tacocat]

My friend just got a boyfriend a few months ago, and since then she’s begun to change.  She’s always been less observant and organized than I am, but now she can barely pay attention to anyone.  She doesn’t pay attention in class and has stopped enjoying the same things I do.  She ignores me the majority of the time, and chooses to avoid hanging out with me in favor of our other friends.  When we are all talking, she chooses to laugh at many of the things I try to say, to the point where I feel like I shouldn’t speak around her at all so that she’ll stop.  We’ve tried to talk about it together, but she just always puts the blame on me, declaring that I have to try and be a better person.  I’ve noticed the connection between her getting a boyfriend and our fighting, but I can’t figure out how to even approach that subject with her, in the fear that she’ll call me a bad friend and convince the others in my friend group that I’m the bad one.  However, I’m still good friends with the other kids in my friend group, and if I stop hanging out with her I won’t be allowed to hang out with any of them either.  I go to a small school and don’t have any other friends/potential friends.  What should I do?

[Monsoon]

18 hours ago, tacocat said:

My friend just got a boyfriend a few months ago, and since then she’s begun to change.  She’s always been less observant and organized than I am, but now she can barely pay attention to anyone.  She doesn’t pay attention in class and has stopped enjoying the same things I do.  She ignores me the majority of the time, and chooses to avoid hanging out with me in favor of our other friends.  When we are all talking, she chooses to laugh at many of the things I try to say, to the point where I feel like I shouldn’t speak around her at all so that she’ll stop.  We’ve tried to talk about it together, but she just always puts the blame on me, declaring that I have to try and be a better person.  I’ve noticed the connection between her getting a boyfriend and our fighting, but I can’t figure out how to even approach that subject with her, in the fear that she’ll call me a bad friend and convince the others in my friend group that I’m the bad one.  However, I’m still good friends with the other kids in my friend group, and if I stop hanging out with her I won’t be allowed to hang out with any of them either.  I go to a small school and don’t have any other friends/potential friends.  What should I do?

Hey @tacocat

Welcome to Ditch the Label. I'm one of the digital mentors here and I give advice to those who reach out to us. 

I'm sorry to hear about what's going on with your friend. I get what you're saying about how your friendship group might change if you stop hanging out with her. However, I'm thinking, could it be that you focus on others in the group instead of her? Do you think you could be okay with still being around her if others are there as well?

Also, that's a shame that talking it through hasn't worked out so far. I'm thinking, do you feel she is ready to listen at the moment to any thoughts about your friendship?

[tacocat]

Hi.  I’ve been thinking about what you said and trying to focus on the others in my group.  The most she has tried to understand my feelings was about a month ago when she agreed to a truce: when we have to be around each other and work together, we don’t argue and try to not get upset, and when there is an option to partner with someone else, we don’t work together.  It’s just really difficult because almost all of my classes are with her, many of which where she was my only friend in that class.  Also, because we were such good friends,  all of our teachers partner us together still.  Also, all but one of my friends seem to prefer her over me.  My only friend who doesn’t isn’t in any of my classes :,( A few days ago the friend I’ve been fighting with took my seat in science when I went to ask the teacher a question, just so she could talk to one of my other friends, and when I asked her to move (politely) she just said I should sit in another seat because she wanted to work with my friend.  And when I asked my other friend to partner with me in French, my friend said yes.  But then we immediately went outside and started working with the friend I’m having problems with.  My birthday is coming up soon and I want to have my friends over for a sleepover.  But at all of our previous sleepovers, my friend just convinced the others to talk about boys, and texted her boyfriend all night.  I don’t like to watch the same things as her, and she always convinces the others to watch what she wants.  I’m not sure if I want to invite her or not.  I’m always upset at sleepovers when she’s there, but I don’t want to be a mean friend. Also, all the rest of my friends would hate me if I chose not to invite her.  I don’t know what I should do!

Edited May 26, 2023 by tacocat

[Monsoon]

Hey there,

From what you've told me, it sounds like some of your friends aren't treating you right. Do you think that's fair to say? It's really important to be treated with respect in a relationship, and it just sounds like you aren't really getting that from some of your friendships at the moment, and i do get the sense that you're hurting in some of those relationships right now. 

With your sleepover, it sounds like you have your answer already. It's important to hang out with people who make us feel good and uplift us, but around her, you feel quite the opposite. What do you think?