Illness or Loneliness

[Aidee]

Hey, I'm a boy born in somewhat religious family. But since I was just a child, I was born sick. I'm starting to explore into the adulthood of the internet since I was still in my elementary school year, and my life was already built before lies after lies. My mom didn't know what happened to me in my school and I would've just tell her what I think she wanna hear so she wouldn't concerned about me as I got bullied by the other boys at school pretty roughly. And I would've lied to my friends at school so they wouldn't know what's really happened in my life back there. By the age of 12 or less, I'm addicted to see an almost naked picture of a woman, with the skill sets of lying and hiding anything from people near me, no one have noticed. but at some point I found my turn point, when I think it the most hardest hits on me, that might probably be the first that caused me to be gay.

I'm entering high school with state of my mental that have been exposed too much with an adulthood either based on lust, like sex or else, but also maturity by being aware of some problems a boy my ages shouldn't normally aware with. But I lived it out just fine, though with some sacrifices that, I got struggling making a friends. Because I'm different, I'm aware, I don't do games, I don't play, nor did I liked to read. I spent most of my times with my mother's college students cause because both of my parent are lectures. And, I would hang out with them, personally means it's just me and him, going to the mall, watching movie, etc. and they would've pick me up and then we go roaming the town. I've been caught up in that comfort position, I haven't really developing any relationship with my actual surrounding that'd have better appropriate for my age. 

But get along with someone, some people that way above my age, makes me try and learn to be like them which here is to be mature, consent, and pretty much what an adult would do. That, wouldn't just make me different with the other boys my age, but also projecting the perfect or ideal behavior for me to be in my age, because I see the perspective from an adult angle. Make me hates the boys, cause they're childish and all, not serious, unaware. Until I found one of my senior that have the similar ethical level of mine, but managed to get along with the boys without getting contaminated a bit. And that at first, upset me. because I'm envy of his perfect appearance in both sides. but then I convinced myself to talk to him, because deep down I'm impressed. And  we got along just fine, he basically just like a Celebrity of my life and I'm just his biggest fan, but he's kind, he's carrying and he's fine. so I see him more than the perfect figure, but as a brother. Cause I'm growing close with my mom, but a bit distance with my dad so getting attention and affection from a boy just about my age though a bit older felt like having a big brother for me. but then he got graduated, soon me too, and we never speak towards each other again. 

but after being that distanced, I decided to approach him again, but then one of my friend that he knew told him about it then he'd be the ones that found me first, despite how I'm the one that trying to approach him. But back then, I only see him as a brother no more no less. Now, after I realize that I'm gay for quite a while (also addicted to gay porn whatever), I couldn't resist my feeling to fall for him, and I down for him bad. But from my previous lonely toxic gay life or habits, since him, I'm begin to back to the line. I'm begin to be more religious, because he encourages me, and we're in the same religion, I basically will prayed before I meet him hoping and whishing all would go fine and well. I'm no longer became someone that address love based on lust, I'm gay pure of I loved someone, not like I want to have sex or anything, not cause of lust, but feeling. 

But despite how great he treats me, I think he treated me like his own brother, as how we would do back then, the first time we know each other. And we have planned so many things together, such as to go to the same collage together, etc. But now, I'm confused I felt trapped in this kind of relationship. He doesn't has any girlfriend, though he had been in a relationship with a girl before. I'm pretending that I'm so desperate in love related, I'd say to him that I wouldn't have a chance to had a girlfriend. I'm pretending that I'm straight, though I'll received every treat, gift or favor from him by feelings. I feel it was wrong, secretly loving him, it's been a year, more than a year. I would have felt worse if I had to leave this relationship although I might need to. But at this point I don't know what to do, should I come clean to him and say I am gay but I'm afraid that would've just ended our relationship, or should I just keep pretend till he found someone and marry her instead, It'll hurt but it was the consequences all along. IDK I'm in a dead end. Help me. And just so you know, I'm alone, if it wasn't him, I don't have any other friend, or close friend. because he's the only one that would greet me and accept my, despite how different I am from him, and basically any other boys he know.

[Monsoon]

Hey @Aidee

Thank you for reaching out to us. I'm one of the digital mentors and that means I've give support to those who come to us for advice. It seems like you're really unsure of what to do next. I'm wondering, what are the positives and negatives of telling him versus not telling him? Also, what is your instinct telling you to do?