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Olivia05    

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I just recently came out to my best friend as bi sexual and at first he started asking me appropriate questions like how long and things like that. But yesterday I was talking to him because I was planning on coming out to my mom yesterday and the day before but the day before I got cold feet and yesterday she left and I couldn’t talk to her because she came home after I was already asleep. Yesterday while I was in school I was talking to him about it and all he said was that. He doesn’t believe in it which makes complete sense to me don’t get me wrong but then he said he doesn’t support it or think it’s right to be any of this (LGBTQIA’s+) any of it and I was trying to explain it to him and he just said it’s not right. Should I have asked him how he felt about the community before I came out? Because we had an argument about it plus something else and now we’re barely talking and barely friends anymore. Also how would I come out to my mom because I’ve been meaning to do it for a while now but I just haven’t because I keep on getting cold feet.

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13 hours ago, Emmerson said:

I just recently came out to my best friend as bi sexual and at first he started asking me appropriate questions like how long and things like that. But yesterday I was talking to him because I was planning on coming out to my mom yesterday and the day before but the day before I got cold feet and yesterday she left and I couldn’t talk to her because she came home after I was already asleep. Yesterday while I was in school I was talking to him about it and all he said was that. He doesn’t believe in it which makes complete sense to me don’t get me wrong but then he said he doesn’t support it or think it’s right to be any of this (LGBTQIA’s+) any of it and I was trying to explain it to him and he just said it’s not right. Should I have asked him how he felt about the community before I came out? Because we had an argument about it plus something else and now we’re barely talking and barely friends anymore. Also how would I come out to my mom because I’ve been meaning to do it for a while now but I just haven’t because I keep on getting cold feet.

Heyy @Emmerson, I am Luie, one of the support mentors with Ditch the Label. Firstly, congrats on coming out and sharing this with me on the platform, it's massive news a cause for celebration for sure!

I am truly sorry to hear how your friend responded to you coming out to him, it's mature of you to understand his perspective however, it is not your responsibility to justify your choices to him hope you know this , I hear you though and I see why you would question weather you should've asked him about his views beforehand, however, he is your best friend and you having that trust beforehand makes completed sense as to why you shared what you did. I am sorry about the argument that you two had as well (Do let me know if you want to talk more about the argument), it must be tough especially because he is the only person you have shared with. How are you feeling about it all?

About sharing with your mum, before moving forward with any of this, I want to firstly check whether you'd be physically safe if you did choose to share this information with her? Apologies if I am sounding too extreme, your safety is a priority and I want to make sure that you'll be okay if you do decide to share this information with her. 

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2 hours ago, Luie said:

Heyy @Emmerson, I am Luie, one of the support mentors with Ditch the Label. Firstly, congrats on coming out and sharing this with me on the platform, it's massive news a cause for celebration for sure!

I am truly sorry to hear how your friend responded to you coming out to him, it's mature of you to understand his perspective however, it is not your responsibility to justify your choices to him hope you know this , I hear you though and I see why you would question weather you should've asked him about his views beforehand, however, he is your best friend and you having that trust beforehand makes completed sense as to why you shared what you did. I am sorry about the argument that you two had as well (Do let me know if you want to talk more about the argument), it must be tough especially because he is the only person you have shared with. How are you feeling about it all?

About sharing with your mum, before moving forward with any of this, I want to firstly check whether you'd be physically safe if you did choose to share this information with her? Apologies if I am sounding too extreme, your safety is a priority and I want to make sure that you'll be okay if you do decide to share this information with her. 

Hey Luie,

First of all thank you for responding to me. 
Second of all, today my friend and I were talking again and I was asking if he ever actually cared about me, because I don’t want to be friends with someone who doesn’t actually care about me, or if this was just a waste of my time. He said he did actually care about me and he should’ve just kept what he said to himself because it actually hurt me a lot because he was the first person I came out to. But then he was saying how he will still love me either way, respect me, and still talk to me and he won’t try and change my mind but that is just how he was raised with god and his dad (he’s Christian). Then he was saying how he will support me and all this and that and asking if I could forgive him because he knew how much that hurt me. So my question is, do you think I should forgive him?

About my mom, I know she will support me so I’m not scared about that it’s just the conversation of me telling her that I’m bi. I know she will support because we’ve been through thick and thin together (she is not my biological mother because I was taken from both my parents and now I live with her). Also because my younger sister(not blood related to either of us but still my sister) told her mom (my moms bff) and her (my mom) that she was bi sexual and they were both completely understanding so I’m not worried about that. I’m worried about what I’m going to say and her reaction when I first tell her because I never know what I’m going to say when I do tell her. Do you an idea of how I could tell her?

Again, thank you for responding.

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14 hours ago, Emmerson said:

Hey Luie,

First of all thank you for responding to me. 
Second of all, today my friend and I were talking again and I was asking if he ever actually cared about me, because I don’t want to be friends with someone who doesn’t actually care about me, or if this was just a waste of my time. He said he did actually care about me and he should’ve just kept what he said to himself because it actually hurt me a lot because he was the first person I came out to. But then he was saying how he will still love me either way, respect me, and still talk to me and he won’t try and change my mind but that is just how he was raised with god and his dad (he’s Christian). Then he was saying how he will support me and all this and that and asking if I could forgive him because he knew how much that hurt me. So my question is, do you think I should forgive him?

About my mom, I know she will support me so I’m not scared about that it’s just the conversation of me telling her that I’m bi. I know she will support because we’ve been through thick and thin together (she is not my biological mother because I was taken from both my parents and now I live with her). Also because my younger sister(not blood related to either of us but still my sister) told her mom (my moms bff) and her (my mom) that she was bi sexual and they were both completely understanding so I’m not worried about that. I’m worried about what I’m going to say and her reaction when I first tell her because I never know what I’m going to say when I do tell her. Do you an idea of how I could tell her?

Again, thank you for responding.

Heyy @Emmerson, I'll address both your points in two separate messages. I'll start with your friend, one thing is there that I cannot make decisions for you or provide a definitive answer to your question. However, forgiveness is a personal decision that depends on your own feelings and values. It is important to consider the severity of the hurt caused by your friend's actions and whether they have shown genuine remorse for their behaviour. You may also want to consider whether this behaviour is a pattern or a one-time occurrence. As I was reading what you had shared, your friend seems to have reflected and understood what he said and how it was received by you, so I do see the responsibility he has taken. My suggestion on this is that you may also want to consider setting boundaries with your friend and communicating openly about how their behaviour has affected you and what you need from the relationship moving forward. How does this sound to you?

 

 

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15 hours ago, Emmerson said:

Hey Luie,

First of all thank you for responding to me. 
Second of all, today my friend and I were talking again and I was asking if he ever actually cared about me, because I don’t want to be friends with someone who doesn’t actually care about me, or if this was just a waste of my time. He said he did actually care about me and he should’ve just kept what he said to himself because it actually hurt me a lot because he was the first person I came out to. But then he was saying how he will still love me either way, respect me, and still talk to me and he won’t try and change my mind but that is just how he was raised with god and his dad (he’s Christian). Then he was saying how he will support me and all this and that and asking if I could forgive him because he knew how much that hurt me. So my question is, do you think I should forgive him?

About my mom, I know she will support me so I’m not scared about that it’s just the conversation of me telling her that I’m bi. I know she will support because we’ve been through thick and thin together (she is not my biological mother because I was taken from both my parents and now I live with her). Also because my younger sister(not blood related to either of us but still my sister) told her mom (my moms bff) and her (my mom) that she was bi sexual and they were both completely understanding so I’m not worried about that. I’m worried about what I’m going to say and her reaction when I first tell her because I never know what I’m going to say when I do tell her. Do you an idea of how I could tell her?

Again, thank you for responding.

 

I am glad to know that your mom will be supportive and it's safe for you to share this. I totally hear you though and I know that coming out can be a difficult and emotional process, and it's important to approach it in a way that feels comfortable and safe for you. Here are a few steps I think might be applicable to you (I've given a few examples as well on how to express yourself):

  • Reflect on your feelings: Take some time to understand and accept your own sexuality before telling anyone else. This can help you feel more confident and prepared to have the conversation with your mom
  • Choose the right time and place: Find a time and place where you feel comfortable and safe to have this conversation. You might want to choose a private setting where you can talk without interruptions
  • Start the conversation: Begin by telling your mom that you have something important to share with her. Be honest and straightforward, but also try to be as calm as possible. You could say something like, "Mom, there's something I want to talk to you about. I've been thinking a lot about my sexuality, and I want to share something with you."
  • Share your truth: Be clear and direct about your bisexuality. You might say something like, "I've come to realize that I'm bisexual. This means that I'm attracted to both men and women."
  • Be open to questions: Your mom may have questions or concerns, and it's important to be open to answering them. Remember that this might be new information for her, and she may need some time to process it
  • Emphasize your love and respect: Let your mom know that you love and respect her, and that you hope she can love and accept you for who you are. You could say something like, "Mom, I hope you can understand that this doesn't change who I am as a person. I'm still your child, and I hope we can continue to have a loving and supportive relationship."

@Emmerson - Does this sound like something that could help you communicate better with your mom on you coming out?

 

 

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2 hours ago, Luie said:

Heyy @Emmerson, I'll address both your points in two separate messages. I'll start with your friend, one thing is there that I cannot make decisions for you or provide a definitive answer to your question. However, forgiveness is a personal decision that depends on your own feelings and values. It is important to consider the severity of the hurt caused by your friend's actions and whether they have shown genuine remorse for their behaviour. You may also want to consider whether this behaviour is a pattern or a one-time occurrence. As I was reading what you had shared, your friend seems to have reflected and understood what he said and how it was received by you, so I do see the responsibility he has taken. My suggestion on this is that you may also want to consider setting boundaries with your friend and communicating openly about how their behaviour has affected you and what you need from the relationship moving forward. How does this sound to you?

I get what you’re saying but I don’t know what type of boundaries I would need to put into place. Also how you said I may want to consider that this might not be a one-time occurrence, how do you think I should do that? Also I told him that we could try and slowly become the friends we were before because at first I didn’t want to be friends with him ever again and I just told him that if I do forgive him he’ll still have to earn my trust back. And yes that sounds good to me.

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2 hours ago, Luie said:

I am glad to know that your mom will be supportive and it's safe for you to share this. I totally hear you though and I know that coming out can be a difficult and emotional process, and it's important to approach it in a way that feels comfortable and safe for you. Here are a few steps I think might be applicable to you (I've given a few examples as well on how to express yourself):

  • Reflect on your feelings: Take some time to understand and accept your own sexuality before telling anyone else. This can help you feel more confident and prepared to have the conversation with your mom
  • Choose the right time and place: Find a time and place where you feel comfortable and safe to have this conversation. You might want to choose a private setting where you can talk without interruptions
  • Start the conversation: Begin by telling your mom that you have something important to share with her. Be honest and straightforward, but also try to be as calm as possible. You could say something like, "Mom, there's something I want to talk to you about. I've been thinking a lot about my sexuality, and I want to share something with you."
  • Share your truth: Be clear and direct about your bisexuality. You might say something like, "I've come to realize that I'm bisexual. This means that I'm attracted to both men and women."
  • Be open to questions: Your mom may have questions or concerns, and it's important to be open to answering them. Remember that this might be new information for her, and she may need some time to process it
  • Emphasize your love and respect: Let your mom know that you love and respect her, and that you hope she can love and accept you for who you are. You could say something like, "Mom, I hope you can understand that this doesn't change who I am as a person. I'm still your child, and I hope we can continue to have a loving and supportive relationship."

@Emmerson - Does this sound like something that could help you communicate better with your mom on you coming out?

Yes it does, but I’m still scared on doing it because every time I try I get cold feet. It’s like I could because it’s on the tip of my tongue but I just overthink it and then I just don’t tell her. Does that make sense?

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