7ev Posted March 16 Share Posted March 16 this will be the post where i reveal the most personal shit abt myself so im not 100% comfortable while writing this post but i just have to ask atp since i cant figure it out myself im afab and im unlabeled atm. when i grew up im a really stereotypical fem cis girl who likes plushies long hair and skirts; but in my teenage yrs it all suddenly changed. i started presenting more andro/masc; and distanced further away from traditionally fem clothing. thats all after i figured i could be trans. i say i know damn well im not cis and i experience a masc gender but idek anymore. how i found out is when i chose to identify as a boy online and it made me feel more at ease and generally happier; during these times i also fantasized abt being in a mlm relationship which led me to my first romantic relationship. now i dont fantasize abt it anymore after i discovered im aroace; but the comfort still stays with my online persona what im not sure is whether i experience gender dysphoria; internalized misogyny or just the desire to be special internalized misogyny i find the idea of me being a woman and dressing femininely uncomfortable but i dont bash on others for identifying as a woman or having a fem presentation; so its not really misogyny. but online opinions abt afab nb and trans ppl being mostly motivated by internalized misogyny to transition while actually being cis makes me doubt myself but one phrase from my mom really hit me in the guts. my grandma fucked up my haircut and it looks fem so i had an emotional outburst over it; ranting to my mom over text abt it. my mom tried to comfort me then said 'why do u hate being a woman sm' and that struck me. do i hate being a woman? do i feel anything at all? is this all bc i hate women? idk. but the sole reason why i hate my haircut is bc it didnt look the way i wanted it to gender dysphoria i feel a bit reluctant when someone who knows my preferred prns misgenders me but im completely fine [not really? idk what im feeling most of the time] when strangers do it since obviously they dk what i prefer and just went along with my birth gender; i thought ive became numb to misgendering to even experience an ounce of social dysphoria. plus i rarely experience body dysphoria; i find my breasts and genital unnecessary sure but my body is androgynous enough to pass with enough layers; plus ive made my period a tool to escape from pe classes. so body dysphoria is almost fully out of the question one example of body dysphoria i can think of is when my school has swimming classes and the thought of wearing a fem swimsuit and grouped up with girls is weird to me. i dislike showing my fem curves. maybe that could be body dysphoria? but it can easily be brushed off as me simply not being confident enough; or just feeling uncomfortable transmed beliefs also intensified self doubt bc i may not be trans enough if i dont experience dysphoria; many ppl have said its not the case and ppl can indeed be trans without dysphoria but i still dk which side to believe the desire to be special 'im not like other girls'; essentially. if im cis i would be a tomboy and i differ from other girls that dress fem which makes me quote unquote unique from the rest. maybe i find pride in being special from the group i was assigned to so i can feel better abt myself; striving to me someone i want to be instead of who i actually am. i enjoy being perceived as a boy but by now im getting used to it; idk if its part of who i am or not. i just feel neutral when online folks respect my prns bc its common sense after all. idk if i want stand out anymore ok now. the reason why i thought i was nonbinary is a very classic one. when the teacher split us into boys and girls i hesitated on where i should go; any cis ppl would say 'just go to the girls group bc ure afab' but idk why i even froze up in the first place. i have a faint desire to join the boys group but i feel like im not fully a boy; so im stuck in the middle. do i fit in either groups or am i a trans boy who doesnt feel like they qualify as a real boy; or am i actually cis whos just faking it? i do heavily appreciate any labels that yall recommend but my main focus is to answer whether im actually trans or am i just faking it for whatever reason im not aware of. thanks for the help Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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