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am i actually trans or nb or neither at all


7ev
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this will be the post where i reveal the most personal shit abt myself so im not 100% comfortable while writing this post but i just have to ask atp since i cant figure it out myself

im afab and im unlabeled atm. when i grew up im a really stereotypical fem cis girl who likes plushies long hair and skirts; but in my teenage yrs it all suddenly changed. i started presenting more andro/masc; and distanced further away from traditionally fem clothing. thats all after i figured i could be trans. i say i know damn well im not cis and i experience a masc gender but idek anymore. how i found out is when i chose to identify as a boy online and it made me feel more at ease and generally happier; during these times i also fantasized abt being in a mlm relationship which led me to my first romantic relationship. now i dont fantasize abt it anymore after i discovered im aroace; but the comfort still stays with my online persona

what im not sure is whether i experience gender dysphoria; internalized misogyny or just the desire to be special

  • internalized misogyny

i find the idea of me being a woman and dressing femininely uncomfortable but i dont bash on others for identifying as a woman or having a fem presentation; so its not really misogyny. but online opinions abt afab nb and trans ppl being mostly motivated by internalized misogyny to transition while actually being cis makes me doubt myself

but one phrase from my mom really hit me in the guts. my grandma fucked up my haircut and it looks fem so i had an emotional outburst over it; ranting to my mom over text abt it. my mom tried to comfort me then said 'why do u hate being a woman sm' and that struck me. do i hate being a woman? do i feel anything at all? is this all bc i hate women? idk. but the sole reason why i hate my haircut is bc it didnt look the way i wanted it to

  • gender dysphoria

i feel a bit reluctant when someone who knows my preferred prns misgenders me but im completely fine [not really? idk what im feeling most of the time] when strangers do it since obviously they dk what i prefer and just went along with my birth gender; i thought ive became numb to misgendering to even experience an ounce of social dysphoria. plus i rarely experience body dysphoria; i find my breasts and genital unnecessary sure but my body is androgynous enough to pass with enough layers; plus ive made my period a tool to escape from pe classes. so body dysphoria is almost fully out of the question

one example of body dysphoria i can think of is when my school has swimming classes and the thought of wearing a fem swimsuit and grouped up with girls is weird to me. i dislike showing my fem curves. maybe that could be body dysphoria? but it can easily be brushed off as me simply not being confident enough; or just feeling uncomfortable

transmed beliefs also intensified self doubt bc i may not be trans enough if i dont experience dysphoria; many ppl have said its not the case and ppl can indeed be trans without dysphoria but i still dk which side to believe

  • the desire to be special

'im not like other girls'; essentially. if im cis i would be a tomboy and i differ from other girls that dress fem which makes me quote unquote unique from the rest. maybe i find pride in being special from the group i was assigned to so i can feel better abt myself; striving to me someone i want to be instead of who i actually am. i enjoy being perceived as a boy but by now im getting used to it; idk if its part of who i am or not. i just feel neutral when online folks respect my prns bc its common sense after all. idk if i want stand out anymore

ok now. the reason why i thought i was nonbinary is a very classic one. when the teacher split us into boys and girls i hesitated on where i should go; any cis ppl would say 'just go to the girls group bc ure afab' but idk why i even froze up in the first place. i have a faint desire to join the boys group but i feel like im not fully a boy; so im stuck in the middle. do i fit in either groups or am i a trans boy who doesnt feel like they qualify as a real boy; or am i actually cis whos just faking it?

i do heavily appreciate any labels that yall recommend but my main focus is to answer whether im actually trans or am i just faking it for whatever reason im not aware of. thanks for the help

 

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  • Digital Mentor
19 hours ago, 7ev said:

this will be the post where i reveal the most personal shit abt myself so im not 100% comfortable while writing this post but i just have to ask atp since i cant figure it out myself

im afab and im unlabeled atm. when i grew up im a really stereotypical fem cis girl who likes plushies long hair and skirts; but in my teenage yrs it all suddenly changed. i started presenting more andro/masc; and distanced further away from traditionally fem clothing. thats all after i figured i could be trans. i say i know damn well im not cis and i experience a masc gender but idek anymore. how i found out is when i chose to identify as a boy online and it made me feel more at ease and generally happier; during these times i also fantasized abt being in a mlm relationship which led me to my first romantic relationship. now i dont fantasize abt it anymore after i discovered im aroace; but the comfort still stays with my online persona

what im not sure is whether i experience gender dysphoria; internalized misogyny or just the desire to be special

  • internalized misogyny

i find the idea of me being a woman and dressing femininely uncomfortable but i dont bash on others for identifying as a woman or having a fem presentation; so its not really misogyny. but online opinions abt afab nb and trans ppl being mostly motivated by internalized misogyny to transition while actually being cis makes me doubt myself

but one phrase from my mom really hit me in the guts. my grandma fucked up my haircut and it looks fem so i had an emotional outburst over it; ranting to my mom over text abt it. my mom tried to comfort me then said 'why do u hate being a woman sm' and that struck me. do i hate being a woman? do i feel anything at all? is this all bc i hate women? idk. but the sole reason why i hate my haircut is bc it didnt look the way i wanted it to

  • gender dysphoria

i feel a bit reluctant when someone who knows my preferred prns misgenders me but im completely fine [not really? idk what im feeling most of the time] when strangers do it since obviously they dk what i prefer and just went along with my birth gender; i thought ive became numb to misgendering to even experience an ounce of social dysphoria. plus i rarely experience body dysphoria; i find my breasts and genital unnecessary sure but my body is androgynous enough to pass with enough layers; plus ive made my period a tool to escape from pe classes. so body dysphoria is almost fully out of the question

one example of body dysphoria i can think of is when my school has swimming classes and the thought of wearing a fem swimsuit and grouped up with girls is weird to me. i dislike showing my fem curves. maybe that could be body dysphoria? but it can easily be brushed off as me simply not being confident enough; or just feeling uncomfortable

transmed beliefs also intensified self doubt bc i may not be trans enough if i dont experience dysphoria; many ppl have said its not the case and ppl can indeed be trans without dysphoria but i still dk which side to believe

  • the desire to be special

'im not like other girls'; essentially. if im cis i would be a tomboy and i differ from other girls that dress fem which makes me quote unquote unique from the rest. maybe i find pride in being special from the group i was assigned to so i can feel better abt myself; striving to me someone i want to be instead of who i actually am. i enjoy being perceived as a boy but by now im getting used to it; idk if its part of who i am or not. i just feel neutral when online folks respect my prns bc its common sense after all. idk if i want stand out anymore

ok now. the reason why i thought i was nonbinary is a very classic one. when the teacher split us into boys and girls i hesitated on where i should go; any cis ppl would say 'just go to the girls group bc ure afab' but idk why i even froze up in the first place. i have a faint desire to join the boys group but i feel like im not fully a boy; so im stuck in the middle. do i fit in either groups or am i a trans boy who doesnt feel like they qualify as a real boy; or am i actually cis whos just faking it?

i do heavily appreciate any labels that yall recommend but my main focus is to answer whether im actually trans or am i just faking it for whatever reason im not aware of. thanks for the help

Hi, I'm Catsup, one of the support mentors here.  You've definitely put a lot of thought into this and have made some great and well-organized points about areas of confusion for you.  I can reply with just some of my thoughts for each point:

  • Internalized misogyny - It sounds like your mom's comment about hating being a woman made you think a lot.  However, it is possible and completely valid to not like identifying as the gender you were assigned at birth.  Because of that, it doesn't sound like a hatred of woman, you are having a very real feeling about who you are and how you want to present.
  • Gender dysphoria - It makes sense that you would be more bothered by the people misgendering you if they already know your preferences, whether you are trans or not.  About the body dysmorphia, I would say that it is not necessary to be trans and that what matters is how you prefer to be identified and labeled.
  • The desire to be special - You ask if you are faking it and I think that the fact you are concerned about that part would suggest that you would not simply "fake" being trans to feel special.

What you're going through is authentic and real.  How you feel about yourself and the gender you identify as are things that can possibly change in the future, but where you are right now is completely okay and valid.  These are all just my opinions and thoughts.  How do you feel about the labels you have suggested and do you gravitate to one more than the other?  Some ideas that come to my mind are trans male or nonbinary.  Also, no matter how you identify, you can choose how you use pronouns and present in what ever way works in your life.

It can be confusing to not 100% know a label yet, but do keep in mind that gender is fluid and that identity, pronouns, and presentation do not have to align in "traditional" ways.  I'm glad you reached out!  What do you think of this?

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44 minutes ago, Catsup said:

How do you feel about the labels you have suggested and do you gravitate to one more than the other?

idrk. i could identify as both trans and nb. sometimes i think im a trans man but this thought dies whenever i have a choice to interact or to get grouped up with boys; which i immediately back out since i dont think im fully a boy so i revert to nonbinary. its just a cycle of doubting whether im actually a binary boy or smth else. im convinced that im not faking being trans; but im still confused abt whether im a trans man or transmasc nonbinary

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  • Digital Mentor
On 3/16/2023 at 5:47 PM, 7ev said:

idrk. i could identify as both trans and nb. sometimes i think im a trans man but this thought dies whenever i have a choice to interact or to get grouped up with boys; which i immediately back out since i dont think im fully a boy so i revert to nonbinary. its just a cycle of doubting whether im actually a binary boy or smth else. im convinced that im not faking being trans; but im still confused abt whether im a trans man or transmasc nonbinary

Hi, it sounds like finding an exact fit for your identity is important to you.  Since you mentioned feeling unsure when getting grouped with boys, I personally think that sounds like you could be nonbinary, presenting more masculine.  I noticed your profile says you prefer both he and xe pronouns.  Do those pronouns still make sense to you, or do you prefer one over the other, or even another pronoun?  The fact you feel a gray area would to me make me think you are not on the binary.

These are my thoughts, and whatever identity you feel fits rights now is definitely something that will be true to you.  What do you think at this point?

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3 hours ago, Catsup said:

Hi, it sounds like finding an exact fit for your identity is important to you.  Since you mentioned feeling unsure when getting grouped with boys, I personally think that sounds like you could be nonbinary, presenting more masculine.  I noticed your profile says you prefer both he and xe pronouns.  Do those pronouns still make sense to you, or do you prefer one over the other, or even another pronoun?  The fact you feel a gray area would to me make me think you are not on the binary.

These are my thoughts, and whatever identity you feel fits rights now is definitely something that will be true to you.  What do you think at this point?

ye i mean i use xe/xim bc its neutral but leaning masc to me; i dont prefer one over the other tho. as long as its my preferred prns i feel the same way abt it. i think i should stick with transmasc; its a broader term and i dont want to waste my energy finding a microlabel describing exactly how i feel; so ill stick with that for now. thanks for the help tho

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On 3/19/2023 at 7:09 PM, 7ev said:

ye i mean i use xe/xim bc its neutral but leaning masc to me; i dont prefer one over the other tho. as long as its my preferred prns i feel the same way abt it. i think i should stick with transmasc; its a broader term and i dont want to waste my energy finding a microlabel describing exactly how i feel; so ill stick with that for now. thanks for the help tho

That makes sense!  🙂

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