I’ve never fit in anywhere

[didsthecat]

I left high school three years ago, and yet I find myself still having nightmares about the girls I went to school with, but simultaneously wishing that I was one of them. And by them, I wish I could switch bodies with them. I always felt like life is easier if you have a pretty face. I know it isn’t true, but it’s hard to believe otherwise when you’ve been called weird and ugly every day for years.  

The fact I don’t fit in has always bothered me, but recently I find it’s all I can think about. Thinking about this is only hurting me. I know I shouldn’t live in the past because I’ll never have peace, but I can’t even control it. I don’t choose to dream and cry about this. I don’t choose to think of these girls. Believe me, I wouldn’t if I could. 

Some of the things they put me through were just so hurtful. I used to sit in my English lessons and these girls and guys would stick cello tape in my hair. My mum used to spend hours getting it out, and I would make excuses; how it must’ve happened in art class or something because I was using tape that day. 

They used to laugh at me during P.E. They would watch me intently, waiting for me to mess up so they’d have more things to laugh at. I was always on edge whenever they were in the room, like I was suffocating. I wouldn’t ever talk if they were there, I was too self conscious to do it.

I messaged one of these girls today and told her how her behaviour has affected me so badly. Her and her friends basically laughed at this, and told me they don’t even know who I am. 

It made me feel ill. I cried for hours after. I questioned why I ever wanted to fit in with these girls, because this made me realise they’re just not very nice people. I couldn’t live with myself if I’d been told I’m the reason someone has nightmares every night. And yet these girls continue to live without remorse on how their actions have severely affected so many other girls. 

[Aurora]

12 hours ago, didsthecat said:

I left high school three years ago, and yet I find myself still having nightmares about the girls I went to school with, but simultaneously wishing that I was one of them. And by them, I wish I could switch bodies with them. I always felt like life is easier if you have a pretty face. I know it isn’t true, but it’s hard to believe otherwise when you’ve been called weird and ugly every day for years.  

The fact I don’t fit in has always bothered me, but recently I find it’s all I can think about. Thinking about this is only hurting me. I know I shouldn’t live in the past because I’ll never have peace, but I can’t even control it. I don’t choose to dream and cry about this. I don’t choose to think of these girls. Believe me, I wouldn’t if I could. 

Some of the things they put me through were just so hurtful. I used to sit in my English lessons and these girls and guys would stick cello tape in my hair. My mum used to spend hours getting it out, and I would make excuses; how it must’ve happened in art class or something because I was using tape that day. 

They used to laugh at me during P.E. They would watch me intently, waiting for me to mess up so they’d have more things to laugh at. I was always on edge whenever they were in the room, like I was suffocating. I wouldn’t ever talk if they were there, I was too self conscious to do it.

I messaged one of these girls today and told her how her behaviour has affected me so badly. Her and her friends basically laughed at this, and told me they don’t even know who I am. 

It made me feel ill. I cried for hours after. I questioned why I ever wanted to fit in with these girls, because this made me realise they’re just not very nice people. I couldn’t live with myself if I’d been told I’m the reason someone has nightmares every night. And yet these girls continue to live without remorse on how their actions have severely affected so many other girls. 

Hi @didsthecat, I noticed that you are new here so I wanted to start off by saying a huge big welcome to the community!! It's lovely to have you here . I'm Aurora and I am one of the support mentors here at Ditch the Label. I give support and advice to those who reach out to us. If you ever want to talk about something confidentially then you can always send us a message via the confidential support tap at the top of the page (it's next to Blogs). 

Thank you so much for sharing what happened to you. I know it can be difficult to talk about these kind of things but I wanted to reassure you that this is a really welcoming and supportive community and we are here to listen. I'm really sorry that this has happened to you and that you were treated like this. Please know that none of this was your fault and you did not deserve this! It sounds to me like you were bullied and it's very common for this to have a big impact on someone's wellbeing.  It's really understandable that you are feeling like this, even though it happened in the past and you left high school three years ago.

It must have taken a lot of courage for you to message one of the girls and I'm really sorry that she didn't show any insight into how her behaviour affected you. Hopefully once she has reflected on your message she might be able to see how her behaviour has impacted you. How do you feel, now that a bit of time has passed, since you messaged her?

Do you mind me asking, did you ever tell anyone that the girls were bullying you. It sounds like you didn't tell your parents. Is that right? I'm just wondering if your school knew?  Also, have you ever had any counselling to help you process some of the feelings you are having and if not, is that something you would consider doing? I find that counselling can give us a safe space to work through some of the stuff that is having a negative impact on our wellbeing. What do you think? 

[Dog freak]

I feel you