Need some advice on how to act

[Chris23232]

 

So, my girlfriend (21) broke up with me (22) 3 months ago because of the typical "my feelings aren't the same anymore" (we were almost 3 years together, both our first real relationship, so yeah ofcourse those feelings lessen it is part of a relationship but yeah it is the first time so it has confused her i guess ? ). This started after some of her friends booked a trip to Namibia without asking her with them. This really hurted her and one of her friends also told her afterwards "i didn't ask you because u would certainly do a vacation with your boyfriend". Note: I am also friends with her good friends and we don't have any issues, second note: this was all after the covid and it was really difficult for my ex because her friends didn't respect the rules of safety and minimal contact and because of that my ex couldn't risk to meet with them a lot. And those friends didn't like her for that. My ex then started to rekindle the friendships once covid was over and she was the one who suggested to do a trip all together but yeah they did it without inviting her... It was a bomb for her. After she got to know this we had exams and a seperate family holiday so we didn't see each other for 10 weeks but had online contact and facetimes. Then she came home with covid, + 2 weeks of not seeing each other. After these 12 weeks of not seeing each other much physically i felt she wasn't feeling well about herself. She had troubles with what those "friends" did + she had a lot of stress because of our uni work and grades. One month later (a week after those friends came back from their trip) she broke up with the words "My feelings lessened, i am doubting. I don't want to make the biggest mistake of my life but i think we need to break up because i need time for myself and need to focus on the studies and find what i want in my life." (we both study medicine in the same year)

This was very difficult for me because our relationship was great and she also told me on several times after the breakup that nothing was wrong with me or our relationship. She was the problem she said...

At first we kept in contact (3-4 times a week on text), to be friends. But yeah after a couple of weeks i felt that it was mentally too much for me, so i asked for some distance and to not contact me anymore for a certain period. Now i can say that after 3 months my romantic feelings are lessened (not completely gone but I am okay with it and feel ready to being friends), I still do have a lot of love for her as a person and I don't want to lose the connection we had (this connection was already there before we were together). You also don't find a lot of people in your life with whom u get along so well. 

So yeah, I feel ready to be friends now and am not chasing a relationship with her anymore. So i started recontact 2 weeks ago. She answered normally. At first it was quite extensive. Talking about the studies etc. We are also our in exam period again now so also both really busy. She sometimes initated the contact herself but now 3 days ago we had an exam and i asked how it went and she answered extensive and i texted back and then started talking about something funny and relevant i heard (to put the focus out of that exam) but she just left it on read and since then there is no contact anymore. I felt in the 2 days before that she was being a bit hot and cold (sending some pictures on which i responded on but then again left on read and also her annswers started to shorten...). Why would she be this hot & cold? i don't really understand it...

So yeah i don't really know what to do now. I had the idea to meet up after our exams to catch up physically and try to make this being friends thing work but if the contact just disappears now it doesn't really make a lot of sense to meet up.

Is it best to now let it rest a bit and wait till she contacts again? (as she knows (i hope, i literally said it but yeah u never know haha) i am ready now to be friends again, but maybe she doesn't feel ready?) Or should i keep taking the initiative every 3-4-5 days so she would understad i am really serious when i saiid i was ready to be friends?

 

[Luie]

On 12/26/2022 at 10:51 AM, Chris23232 said:

So, my girlfriend (21) broke up with me (22) 3 months ago because of the typical "my feelings aren't the same anymore" (we were almost 3 years together, both our first real relationship, so yeah ofcourse those feelings lessen it is part of a relationship but yeah it is the first time so it has confused her i guess ? ). This started after some of her friends booked a trip to Namibia without asking her with them. This really hurted her and one of her friends also told her afterwards "i didn't ask you because u would certainly do a vacation with your boyfriend". Note: I am also friends with her good friends and we don't have any issues, second note: this was all after the covid and it was really difficult for my ex because her friends didn't respect the rules of safety and minimal contact and because of that my ex couldn't risk to meet with them a lot. And those friends didn't like her for that. My ex then started to rekindle the friendships once covid was over and she was the one who suggested to do a trip all together but yeah they did it without inviting her... It was a bomb for her. After she got to know this we had exams and a seperate family holiday so we didn't see each other for 10 weeks but had online contact and facetimes. Then she came home with covid, + 2 weeks of not seeing each other. After these 12 weeks of not seeing each other much physically i felt she wasn't feeling well about herself. She had troubles with what those "friends" did + she had a lot of stress because of our uni work and grades. One month later (a week after those friends came back from their trip) she broke up with the words "My feelings lessened, i am doubting. I don't want to make the biggest mistake of my life but i think we need to break up because i need time for myself and need to focus on the studies and find what i want in my life." (we both study medicine in the same year)

This was very difficult for me because our relationship was great and she also told me on several times after the breakup that nothing was wrong with me or our relationship. She was the problem she said...

At first we kept in contact (3-4 times a week on text), to be friends. But yeah after a couple of weeks i felt that it was mentally too much for me, so i asked for some distance and to not contact me anymore for a certain period. Now i can say that after 3 months my romantic feelings are lessened (not completely gone but I am okay with it and feel ready to being friends), I still do have a lot of love for her as a person and I don't want to lose the connection we had (this connection was already there before we were together). You also don't find a lot of people in your life with whom u get along so well. 

So yeah, I feel ready to be friends now and am not chasing a relationship with her anymore. So i started recontact 2 weeks ago. She answered normally. At first it was quite extensive. Talking about the studies etc. We are also our in exam period again now so also both really busy. She sometimes initated the contact herself but now 3 days ago we had an exam and i asked how it went and she answered extensive and i texted back and then started talking about something funny and relevant i heard (to put the focus out of that exam) but she just left it on read and since then there is no contact anymore. I felt in the 2 days before that she was being a bit hot and cold (sending some pictures on which i responded on but then again left on read and also her annswers started to shorten...). Why would she be this hot & cold? i don't really understand it...

So yeah i don't really know what to do now. I had the idea to meet up after our exams to catch up physically and try to make this being friends thing work but if the contact just disappears now it doesn't really make a lot of sense to meet up.

Is it best to now let it rest a bit and wait till she contacts again? (as she knows (i hope, i literally said it but yeah u never know haha) i am ready now to be friends again, but maybe she doesn't feel ready?) Or should i keep taking the initiative every 3-4-5 days so she would understad i am really serious when i saiid i was ready to be friends?

Heyy @Chris23232, I am Luie, one of the support mentors with Ditch the Label. I see that you're new to our platform and wanted to welcome you, it's great to have you on community and appreciate your honesty in terms of expressing your feelings about what you are going through post break up with you ex. 

Relationships surely can be complicated at times especially when a romantic one ends with someone you were friends with beforehand. it's perfectly reasonable to wonder if it's possible to be friends with your ex. After all, this person is likely someone you genuinely like and enjoy spending time with, as well as someone with whom you probably have shared experiences, ideas, values, and interests. To give up all of that just because you realized a romantic relationship won't work between you two may very well feel like throwing the baby out with the bathwater.

From what you've shared with me, my understanding is that you've taken a few months apart since the break up and began texting again, and it seems to be going alright apart from the recent message of her leaving it on read and giving hot/cold replies. There could be many reasons for not replying e.g. Occupied with studying (as it's the exam period), family, friends, self, exhaustion etc. An important thing to remember is that to view this not replying as a friend rather than her ex, as a friend we do leave space for our friends to take their time to reply, so maybe asking yourself as well what aspect of the late reply is truly bothering you?

I am glad to hear that you're ready to be friends and I do wish I could ease your confusion, but I don't know whether she is ready to be friends or not, only she can answer this question and one of the best ways to allow for that post break up conversation of 'let's be friends' is to give time to process, when she is ready, I am sure she'll let you know as it sounds like you ended your relationship on good terms (please do correct me if I am wrong). 

Something important to consider is that being friends with an ex can sometimes make it harder to successfully move on from the relationship if there are still lingering romantic feelings for each other or if tension arises when you both start dating other people. So do take some time on this as well, and to answer what you asked, letting it rest for a while seems like a good option to allow processing of feelings, because you both were each others first real relationship and that kind of love takes a while to work through. How does this all sound to you? 

[Chris23232]

2 hours ago, Luie said:

Something important to consider is that being friends with an ex can sometimes make it harder to successfully move on from the relationship if there are still lingering romantic feelings for each other or if tension arises when you both start dating other people. So do take some time on this as well, and to answer what you asked, letting it rest for a while seems like a good option to allow processing of feelings, because you both were each others first real relationship and that kind of love takes a while to work through. How does this all sound to you? 

I know this that is also why i took my time. Now i feel ready and she gave me the feeling she was ready for it after 4-5 weeks, but i wasn't ready then (unfortunately). 

 

2 hours ago, Luie said:

There could be many reasons for not replying e.g. Occupied with studying (as it's the exam period), family, friends, self, exhaustion etc. An important thing to remember is that to view this not replying as a friend rather than her ex, as a friend we do leave space for our friends to take their time to reply, so maybe asking yourself as well what aspect of the late reply is truly bothering you?

Yeah we are studying now, so it is normal to like not reply for 10-20 hours or so. But this ignoring was not because of being busy or so (it also wasn't a question, just an open talk that invited to respond it). It is just, I hoped that we could have normal talks again. Not especially daily or so. Just to have some contact and supporting each other through the exams. The aspect of late (actually not) replying that bothers me that she is not like this and I feel like she doesn't even want to be friends again, while at the first week it was like "yeah we are good with each other" and then suddenly not anymore... 4 days before ignoring me she also sent a snapchat again, photo of her cat with a little text next too it. Then i responded and also asked if i could see her dog, she sent a snap back of her and the dog. It made me happy because i also missed my buddy (the dog xp). But yeah 4 days later it went to radio silence, now already 5 days.

I just hoped that we could really be friends. The first 8 weeks after the breakup she was forcing this a bit and i tried but then felt i was losing myself in it so asked for some time and distance. Now i took that and feel ready, i hoped we could have started back from where it ended in those 8 weeks. (Really at the end of that period she was so casual, also asked how i was doing, talked about the holiday week after exams, ... It was exactly what we wanted, but i just wasn't ready... Now i feel really stupid because if i just maybe had battled myself through my emotions then we could have been really great friends. Now it feels like it is a missed chance...)

2 hours ago, Luie said:

To give up all of that just because you realized a romantic relationship won't work between you two may very well feel like throwing the baby out with the bathwater.

Exactly, we had such great similarities. Could always talk endlessly with each other. We had so much help and mental peace with each other. I would like to have that back, without the romantics then. But yeah i don't know if she wants that. Maybe she feels like this would let us keep hanging were we are and we would less try to meet new people?? idk

 

You know, it is just we had such a great connection and i don't want to lose that because of the romantic feelings we had for each other. 

 

 

[Luie]

On 12/27/2022 at 7:35 PM, Chris23232 said:

I know this that is also why i took my time. Now i feel ready and she gave me the feeling she was ready for it after 4-5 weeks, but i wasn't ready then (unfortunately). 

Yeah we are studying now, so it is normal to like not reply for 10-20 hours or so. But this ignoring was not because of being busy or so (it also wasn't a question, just an open talk that invited to respond it). It is just, I hoped that we could have normal talks again. Not especially daily or so. Just to have some contact and supporting each other through the exams. The aspect of late (actually not) replying that bothers me that she is not like this and I feel like she doesn't even want to be friends again, while at the first week it was like "yeah we are good with each other" and then suddenly not anymore... 4 days before ignoring me she also sent a snapchat again, photo of her cat with a little text next too it. Then i responded and also asked if i could see her dog, she sent a snap back of her and the dog. It made me happy because i also missed my buddy (the dog xp). But yeah 4 days later it went to radio silence, now already 5 days.

I just hoped that we could really be friends. The first 8 weeks after the breakup she was forcing this a bit and i tried but then felt i was losing myself in it so asked for some time and distance. Now i took that and feel ready, i hoped we could have started back from where it ended in those 8 weeks. (Really at the end of that period she was so casual, also asked how i was doing, talked about the holiday week after exams, ... It was exactly what we wanted, but i just wasn't ready... Now i feel really stupid because if i just maybe had battled myself through my emotions then we could have been really great friends. Now it feels like it is a missed chance...)

Exactly, we had such great similarities. Could always talk endlessly with each other. We had so much help and mental peace with each other. I would like to have that back, without the romantics then. But yeah i don't know if she wants that. Maybe she feels like this would let us keep hanging were we are and we would less try to meet new people?? idk

You know, it is just we had such a great connection and i don't want to lose that because of the romantic feelings we had for each other. 

Heyy @Chris23232, You are in no way stupid for taking the time and space you needed back then for yourself. I do understand that it seems like an opportunity you missed to be friends again, but it sounds like she is probably taking space too. There is not particular number of weeks or months which make two people okay after ending a meaningful relationship. I am truly sorry that this has been hurtful for you because I can tell that you miss her in a friend/connection capacity. How have you been doing for the past couple of days? Has there been any snaps or messages shared since?

[Chris23232]

Hai, yes I decided to not take any initiative again but if she sends something i would respond like i normally do. So I let her decide the tempo now. 

And she did send stuff!! The day I had sent my reponse to you she texted me a resume of a course of our study. And I thanked her for it, 2 days later she sent me snaps of her going to the Christmas market with her parents and sister as a study break. We did send some snaps back and forth then so that was great, then it went low again but I think that is good and the way to go now. Then 4 days later (yesterday) she send a video of her with the cat on her lap while studying and she also texted me a happy new year in the evening (I was also happy that it was not me who texted it first, it gave me good vibes). 

So i guess we are going on the good way now, slow and steady. Just really gonna follow her tempo and ofcourse it is also exams. I know i can't expect to become besties, it is also not my aim but I hope we can get to the level of being (very) good friends, I guess the period after the exams will bring clarity. (We will have internships then, the first month I am in another city than her, maybe this is also good and after that we will be in the same city for the rest of the year.) 

I know we should meet physically sometime, because seeing how we are to each other is always telling more than the social media interactions. But I am bit scared for this, I don't want to ask too early, don't want to force anything. I am in doubt if I should ask to meet sometime in the days after the exams or should wait till we have internship in the same city (will be mid march then). I also don't know: should I ask or should I let her make this step to me? (she was also the dumper so maybe she should make this step? Idk, just scared of pushing and forcing it haha, I really want to avoid pushing/forcing her)

[Chris23232]

And also, a happy new year!!

[Luie]

On 1/2/2023 at 10:32 AM, Chris23232 said:

Hai, yes I decided to not take any initiative again but if she sends something i would respond like i normally do. So I let her decide the tempo now. 

And she did send stuff!! The day I had sent my reponse to you she texted me a resume of a course of our study. And I thanked her for it, 2 days later she sent me snaps of her going to the Christmas market with her parents and sister as a study break. We did send some snaps back and forth then so that was great, then it went low again but I think that is good and the way to go now. Then 4 days later (yesterday) she send a video of her with the cat on her lap while studying and she also texted me a happy new year in the evening (I was also happy that it was not me who texted it first, it gave me good vibes). 

So i guess we are going on the good way now, slow and steady. Just really gonna follow her tempo and ofcourse it is also exams. I know i can't expect to become besties, it is also not my aim but I hope we can get to the level of being (very) good friends, I guess the period after the exams will bring clarity. (We will have internships then, the first month I am in another city than her, maybe this is also good and after that we will be in the same city for the rest of the year.) 

I know we should meet physically sometime, because seeing how we are to each other is always telling more than the social media interactions. But I am bit scared for this, I don't want to ask too early, don't want to force anything. I am in doubt if I should ask to meet sometime in the days after the exams or should wait till we have internship in the same city (will be mid march then). I also don't know: should I ask or should I let her make this step to me? (she was also the dumper so maybe she should make this step? Idk, just scared of pushing and forcing it haha, I really want to avoid pushing/forcing her)

Heyy @Chris23232, I am glad to hear that she did get back to you and you gave her the space and time to do so. I think having internships in different cities is a good thing as it will allow for you both to get into a work flow and perhaps expand work/social circles a bit more before having placements in the same city for the rest of the year. It would be a good thing if you meet in person, just take a step back and try not to rush yourself or her into it. The fact you both are texting is a good step towards the healing process and transitioning from a relationship back to a friendship, it might seem rocky on some days but I can see you're both being respectful and not pushing boundaries which is always a healthy step forward. 

I can also tell how empathetic you are being, keeping her perspective in your mind before messaging/calling, that's an admirable quality about you and something I hope continues to grow in you over the years especially within the field you are. A little heads up I would give from my end is don't have extremely high hopes with regards to the friendship being the exact same way as it was, not good or bad, just different from before, so take it a day at a time and embrace what comes forth because your dynamics have shifted and that needs to be acknowledged and accepted. Does this sound helpful for you?

[Luie]

On 1/2/2023 at 10:32 AM, Chris23232 said:

And also, a happy new year!!

[Chris23232]

 

22 minutes ago, Luie said:

It would be a good thing if you meet in person, just take a step back and try not to rush yourself or her into it. 

 

And do you think it will be a good thing to meet after the exams (begin February) or would it be better to wait till this first internship is done (and meet mid March). Like you said, I don't want to rush or force anything but on the other i would like to have this physical meetup to show that i am genuinely allright with the situation and genuinely want to be friends and work on a friendship an that i don't want to rush or force anything. Just want to do it on our own tempo. I am really in doubt for when it would be the best time to meet up haha, I know i am doubting and overthinking the things too much but i really don't want to ruin anything or be too fast. I just want her to know that I am there and that I will always be open to be friends and if she now says that she now wants to spend more time with others as we spent 3 years together that i completely understand this and she always can physically contact me in x time. But she probably knows this already and maybe its feels like pushing to her as I repeat the things she knows? That is also the reason why I am doubting if it would be my task to ask to physically meet, she is still the one who broke up and maybe it is her task (and desire?) to ask for a meet up when she wants it? (just kinda fear that she won't dare to ask...)

29 minutes ago, Luie said:

I can also tell how empathetic you are being, keeping her perspective in your mind before messaging/calling, that's an admirable quality about you and something I hope continues to grow in you over the years especially within the field you are. A little heads up I would give from my end is don't have extremely high hopes with regards to the friendship being the exact same way as it was, not good or bad, just different from before, so take it a day at a time and embrace what comes forth because your dynamics have shifted and that needs to be acknowledged and accepted. Does this sound helpful for you?

Well thank you for these nice words! 

I know, I know, and I also don't think it will be like earlier, certainly not in the first months/years (maybe in the futur it will grow fonder again?) but it is also not my desire, I just want us to try and everything else should just go spontaneous (it should go with the flow) and if it doesn't then it is a pity but at least we gave it a shot!