How do I come out as bi to possibly not accepting parents?

[Kartur]

I realized I was bi a few years ago, and only told my closest friends, now at 17 I think I'm ready to tell my parents, but they're pretty traditional and have talked about the LGBT community in some pretty negative ways in the past. From talking trash about my lesbian cousin, or my trans cousin, or saying that bisexual isn't a real sexuality. I think my mom would be at least sorta ok with it, but my dad already hates that I paint my nails, how I act, and my general personality.

Anything helps :)

[Blondie]

1 hour ago, Kartur said:

I realized I was bi a few years ago, and only told my closest friends, now at 17 I think I'm ready to tell my parents, but they're pretty traditional and have talked about the LGBT community in some pretty negative ways in the past. From talking trash about my lesbian cousin, or my trans cousin, or saying that bisexual isn't a real sexuality. I think my mom would be at least sorta ok with it, but my dad already hates that I paint my nails, how I act, and my general personality.

Anything helps :)

Hey there and a warm welcome to community

Thanks so much for sharing with us and congratulations - this is a safe and positive space!

It’s completely natural to want to share our true selves with family and sometimes parents can surprise us and end up becoming really supportive allies. However, we recognise that it doesn’t always happen that way, or it can take time.

The main thing is to consider your safety and security- so for example, if you think you might get thrown out, then you might want to reconsider telling them when you’re able to be more independent or have plans in place for somewhere safe to go.

A helpful way can be to do it with a supportive relative or family friend as this can often diffuse things if it doesn’t go as you would like it to.

What do you think?

[Kartur]

If things do turn for the worst my cousin offered me a place, so worse case scenario I'll stay with her for a bit. But I just don't know how to tell my parents

[Dewdrop]

Do you think your parents would hurt you or say negative things about you? Maybe if it is easier to not tell them verbally, you could write a letter. That's how I told my parents I was lesbian when I was really nervous about it. 

[Blondie]

3 hours ago, Kartur said:

If things do turn for the worst my cousin offered me a place, so worse case scenario I'll stay with her for a bit. But I just don't know how to tell my parents

I'm glad that you have a back up in a worst case scenario.

It might be a good idea to talk to your mum first (with a supportive friend or your cousin with you if possible.) Start by saying what you want to say, such as "I want to share with you that I'm bisexual" and then allow your mum a moment to process before any questions might come up. Remember, that you don't have to answer anything that you feel is too personal - and this is where a supportive friend / cousin is useful.

How does that sound?

 

[Kartur]

I don't think it'd be physically violent, the absolute worst thing I'd expect from them is being verbally... abusive seems like a strong word. I had considered sending a text but figured that was too impersonal, but a letter might be a great alternative. I guess probubly giving my mom one first and see how that goes before telling my dad.

Thank you all for all the help :)

[-Leila-]

Hey there,

lovely to meet you, I’m Leila!

I know how hard coming out to un supportive parents feels like, do you have anything in mind that you might be able to do to help you maybe telling your mum? Like, do you think telling your mum would help? Before telling your dad, maybe? It’s very brave reaching out to us and we are here for you. Writing letters is good, voice notes could be an option too. 

Picking the right time is crucial! Especially if the mood is already tense it wouldn’t be good to then maybe say, if that makes sense? Another idea you could do is maybe go out for a hot drink with your mum and talk about it over that maybe?

I know coming out will be a huge decision for you and I know it can cause pressure and upsets, if you’re feeling like you need someone to talk to then of course you have this wonderful community but you have the digital mentors, @Monsoon @Blondie

Leila x

[Dewdrop]

48 minutes ago, Leilaaaa said:

Picking the right time is crucial! Especially if the mood is already tense it wouldn’t be good to then maybe say, if that makes sense?

Very true. But also don't wait too long for the perfect time, because there will never be a perfect time. Just do the best you can and know that we support you @Kartur. 

[Kartur]

I'll probubly leave a note or something for my mom outside her door or something next Sunday before I go to play D&D, that way she has most of the day to process and mull it over herself, then based on how that goes I'll figure out something for my dad

[Monsoon]

6 hours ago, Kartur said:

I'll probubly leave a note or something for my mom outside her door or something next Sunday before I go to play D&D, that way she has most of the day to process and mull it over herself, then based on how that goes I'll figure out something for my dad

Hey there,

Yeah, that sounds like a really good idea. It might also be helpful to explain that you want to figure something else out for your dad and ask her to keep the news to herself until you're ready. What do you think?

[Kartur]

I think that sounds like an amazing idea :)

[Monsoon]

20 hours ago, Kartur said:

I think that sounds like an amazing idea :)

Yeah, I think so too! How are you feeling about it all now? Would you like anymore advice?

[Dewdrop]

Hi, how's it going?  Still going with the plan?

[Kartur]

Yes, but I had to kinda put it off, both because nerves and D&D got postponed due to covid. 

[Monsoon]

On 11/2/2022 at 1:02 AM, Kartur said:

Yes, but I had to kinda put it off, both because nerves and D&D got postponed due to covid. 

Hey there,

Sorry to hear you didn't end up doing it. Have you got a plan to try again, or are you just leaving it for a bit?

[Kartur]

I might leave it for a but I'll do the same thing

[Monsoon]

17 hours ago, Kartur said:

I might leave it for a but I'll do the same thing

Hey,

Alright then! Would you like anymore support for now, or are you alright? 

[Dewdrop]

Hi! Sending support. 

[Kartur]

Sorry, yeah I think I'm good, thank you all so much <3

[Monsoon]

28 minutes ago, Kartur said:

Sorry, yeah I think I'm good, thank you all so much <3

No worries! If you do need more support, you know where we are. Take care. 

[Zach Cant Focus]

drop feelers. this can be difficult to make it seem natural but :P

[Zach Cant Focus]

kinda sounds like from the post its better to not tell them tho