I’m confused I don’t know what’s wrong with me or what to do

[Monique]

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I thought I was making progress and can at least tell strangers about my sexuality if not my family but I don’t know, I don’t think I can. My brain just keeps telling me I mustn’t tell anyone that I’m not straight so whenever someone asked why I’m not dating and if I might be gay I quickly deny it strongly and if someone brings up anything about the LGBTQIA+ community I just tell them not to talk about that around me. Slowly my heart is letting me know that this is homophobia behaviour but I just can’t let anyone find out. What triggered this response today is the fact that I started university and I thought this might be a time that I would express myself and sexuality. I signed up to be a volunteer at my schools pride club and I got the called for an interview but I purposely did not reply to the mail because all that was in my head was what if someone finds out worse what if someone close to my family does and my family finds out I just couldn’t imagine that happening. So after that I was like maybe being deeply involved is too much, they had an movie watching activity and I decided it would be okay to go and be around those that wouldn’t judge me for my sexuality. On my way there I kept pacing around and sweating I got to the door and could hear how lovely it sounded inside but somehow I just couldn’t go in so, I waited until the lights were off (because they were watching a movie, heartstoppers I love the webtoon). I went in and they asked if I wanted to introduce myself but I said no because I didn’t want anyone to know who I was and they said that’s okay. I sat down and was watching the movie but I was shaking and nauseous it was just kind of overwhelming and I wanted to cry so I walked out and I started feeling terrible because that was a place that welcomed me and this is how I reacted and now im just in the toilet crying because I don’t know what to do. Why am I so scared of my own sexuality, why can’t I accept myself? Because of this I can’t even date anyone even though I always imagine myself happy dating a girl and just both of us vibing but this might never be a reality for me.

[Monsoon]

16 hours ago, Monique said:

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I thought I was making progress and can at least tell strangers about my sexuality if not my family but I don’t know, I don’t think I can. My brain just keeps telling me I mustn’t tell anyone that I’m not straight so whenever someone asked why I’m not dating and if I might be gay I quickly deny it strongly and if someone brings up anything about the LGBTQIA+ community I just tell them not to talk about that around me. Slowly my heart is letting me know that this is homophobia behaviour but I just can’t let anyone find out. What triggered this response today is the fact that I started university and I thought this might be a time that I would express myself and sexuality. I signed up to be a volunteer at my schools pride club and I got the called for an interview but I purposely did not reply to the mail because all that was in my head was what if someone finds out worse what if someone close to my family does and my family finds out I just couldn’t imagine that happening. So after that I was like maybe being deeply involved is too much, they had an movie watching activity and I decided it would be okay to go and be around those that wouldn’t judge me for my sexuality. On my way there I kept pacing around and sweating I got to the door and could hear how lovely it sounded inside but somehow I just couldn’t go in so, I waited until the lights were off (because they were watching a movie, heartstoppers I love the webtoon). I went in and they asked if I wanted to introduce myself but I said no because I didn’t want anyone to know who I was and they said that’s okay. I sat down and was watching the movie but I was shaking and nauseous it was just kind of overwhelming and I wanted to cry so I walked out and I started feeling terrible because that was a place that welcomed me and this is how I reacted and now im just in the toilet crying because I don’t know what to do. Why am I so scared of my own sexuality, why can’t I accept myself? Because of this I can’t even date anyone even though I always imagine myself happy dating a girl and just both of us vibing but this might never be a reality for me.

Hey there,

I'm really proud of you for finding the strength to go in; I can tell this wasn't easy for you and took a lot of courage, so well done. I just want you to know that it's completely normal to struggle with accepting yourself as an LGBTQ+ person, and this is because we learn from society that some people don't accept us, and this leads to us absorbing these messages and telling them to ourselves. However, I just want you to know that this will get better for you, and with time, you will start to see light at the end of the tunnel. I have too experienced this, and what helped me was to push my comfort zone, which was often around sharing my identity with people I didn't know, and this helped me to get used to it. What do you think? Could the same apply to you? 

[Monique]

9 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

I'm really proud of you for finding the strength to go in; I can tell this wasn't easy for you and took a lot of courage, so well done. I just want you to know that it's completely normal to struggle with accepting yourself as an LGBTQ+ person, and this is because we learn from society that some people don't accept us, and this leads to us absorbing these messages and telling them to ourselves. However, I just want you to know that this will get better for you, and with time, you will start to see light at the end of the tunnel. I have too experienced this, and what helped me was to push my comfort zone, which was often around sharing my identity with people I didn't know, and this helped me to get used to it. What do you think? Could the same apply to you? 

Hi,

Thank you very much for your comment. I think I would try sharing my identity with those I don’t know but can trust. I also got help from a helpline and the person said to follow creators that I think would help me accept my new identity easily(just wanted to share this in case they is anyone that might be going through the same thing). So I would try those two things and hopefully life would get easier. Thank you once again

 

[Monsoon]

13 hours ago, Monique said:

Hi,

Thank you very much for your comment. I think I would try sharing my identity with those I don’t know but can trust. I also got help from a helpline and the person said to follow creators that I think would help me accept my new identity easily(just wanted to share this in case they is anyone that might be going through the same thing). So I would try those two things and hopefully life would get easier. Thank you once again

Hey,

Yeah, definitely try those things as well and see how they go. Would you like to go for that and then let us know how it goes perhaps?