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Loving my best friend... hurts


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Hi! I am gay and I have been knowing my (online) straight best friend for 4 years. The time I truly realized I have feelings for him was in autumn 2020, the same year I came out to him as gay. I have also told him about my feelings after almost one month after I came out as gay. Well, he kinda figured it, and I just confirmed... He said he was ok with it, but for the next 6 months we have distanced from each other. We were both having hard periods in our lives because of the pandemic, we were both very depressed etc. Eventually, in 2021 I told him I don't have feelings for him anymore since I thought (I was so wrong) than my feelings have faded completely. So far, our friendship has been improving bit by bit, he has been helping me a lot mentally and emotionally this year since I my anxiety has been hitting me hard, specially because I took some of the most important exams in life to get into uni. I am extremely grateful for everything he has done for me, but I feel like I can't find any way to show my gratitude or give something in return. I wish I could be helpful for him too. It is kinda weird how from my perspective he is better than me at every possible thing in life, such as programming, competitive video-games, confidence, looks, intelligence... Maybe I am blinded by my feelings, but he really seems to be the person I wish I was. It kinda hurts having feelings for him and I really value our friendship. Sometimes I really wish we could spend more time together, which kinda hurts. I have been trying to stop myself from loving him, sometimes it feels like I have done progress and some other times I feel like I haven't done any progress at all, I am still very deeply in love with him and I feel very guilty and selfish for it. I am tired...

Sorry for my english mistakes and for my long message, I really feel like talking with someone about it

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14 hours ago, WhovianCoder said:

Hi! I am gay and I have been knowing my (online) straight best friend for 4 years. The time I truly realized I have feelings for him was in autumn 2020, the same year I came out to him as gay. I have also told him about my feelings after almost one month after I came out as gay. Well, he kinda figured it, and I just confirmed... He said he was ok with it, but for the next 6 months we have distanced from each other. We were both having hard periods in our lives because of the pandemic, we were both very depressed etc. Eventually, in 2021 I told him I don't have feelings for him anymore since I thought (I was so wrong) than my feelings have faded completely. So far, our friendship has been improving bit by bit, he has been helping me a lot mentally and emotionally this year since I my anxiety has been hitting me hard, specially because I took some of the most important exams in life to get into uni. I am extremely grateful for everything he has done for me, but I feel like I can't find any way to show my gratitude or give something in return. I wish I could be helpful for him too. It is kinda weird how from my perspective he is better than me at every possible thing in life, such as programming, competitive video-games, confidence, looks, intelligence... Maybe I am blinded by my feelings, but he really seems to be the person I wish I was. It kinda hurts having feelings for him and I really value our friendship. Sometimes I really wish we could spend more time together, which kinda hurts. I have been trying to stop myself from loving him, sometimes it feels like I have done progress and some other times I feel like I haven't done any progress at all, I am still very deeply in love with him and I feel very guilty and selfish for it. I am tired...

Sorry for my english mistakes and for my long message, I really feel like talking with someone about it

Hi there, I'm Aurora and I'm one of the support mentors here. I give support and advice to those who reach out to us. Thanks so much for opening up about how you feel. It sounds like you're in a really difficult situation at the moment and it sounds like this is really affecting you. Β Can I ask, have you ever met your friend in person or do you only communicate online? I'm wondering whether spending time with him is having a negative effect on your confidence. What do you think?Β 

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4 hours ago, Aurora said:

Hi there, I'm Aurora and I'm one of the support mentors here. I give support and advice to those who reach out to us. Thanks so much for opening up about how you feel. It sounds like you're in a really difficult situation at the moment and it sounds like this is really affecting you. Β Can I ask, have you ever met your friend in person or do you only communicate online? I'm wondering whether spending time with him is having a negative effect on your confidence. What do you think?Β 

Hi! I have never met him in real life, but we are planning to do it in the future. We are from the same country. I am not sure if spending time with him has any negative effect on my confidence and even if it is, I don't think it is his fault. He doesn't judge me for being worse than him at certain hobbies and I don't believe he thinks of himself as a better person than I am. I tend to have a bad opinion of myself, but that is just my fault or even if I were to blame someone or something else, I wouldn't blame him. Thank you for answering!

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17 hours ago, WhovianCoder said:

Hi! I have never met him in real life, but we are planning to do it in the future. We are from the same country. I am not sure if spending time with him has any negative effect on my confidence and even if it is, I don't think it is his fault. He doesn't judge me for being worse than him at certain hobbies and I don't believe he thinks of himself as a better person than I am. I tend to have a bad opinion of myself, but that is just my fault or even if I were to blame someone or something else, I wouldn't blame him. Thank you for answering!

Thank you for clarifying. You mentioned before that your friend has really helped you with your anxiety. Often, when we are feeling anxious, this will also affect our confidence and how we see ourselves. I'm wondering, how is your anxiety now and is there anything that helps you when you are feeling anxious?Β Β 

With regards to your friend, what do you think would need to change so you would feel good about the situation?Β 

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3 minutes ago, Aurora said:

Thank you for clarifying. You mentioned before that your friend has really helped you with your anxiety. Often, when we are feeling anxious, this will also affect our confidence and how we see ourselves. I'm wondering, how is your anxiety now and is there anything that helps you when you are feeling anxious?Β Β 

With regards to your friend, what do you think would need to change so you would feel good about the situation?Β 

My anxiety is pretty bad currently. I have been dealing with panic attacks the whole summer and I am anxious about embarassing myself when I will be going to university. About the situation with my best friend, I am not really sure about what I could do feel good about the situation... we used to play video games and study programming but now it is hard to do something together.Β 

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1 hour ago, WhovianCoder said:

My anxiety is pretty bad currently. I have been dealing with panic attacks the whole summer and I am anxious about embarassing myself when I will be going to university. About the situation with my best friend, I am not really sure about what I could do feel good about the situation... we used to play video games and study programming but now it is hard to do something together.Β 

That sounds tough. Have you been seeing anyone about your panic attacks? Is there anything you find helpful when you have them to make you feel calmer?Β 

With regards to your friend, it must be hard, having feelings for him but not being able to tell him.Β How do you feel when you do do something together?

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33 minutes ago, Aurora said:

That sounds tough. Have you been seeing anyone about your panic attacks? Is there anything you find helpful when you have them to make you feel calmer?Β 

With regards to your friend, it must be hard, having feelings for him but not being able to tell him.Β How do you feel when you do do something together?

I have been to both a psychologist and a psychiatrist during high school. I have stopped taking any meds since they didn't really seem helpful. What has helped me with my panic attacks is talking to people, specially my best friend. I am happy when we do something together, specially when we both share a strong interest for it.

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21 hours ago, WhovianCoder said:

I have been to both a psychologist and a psychiatrist during high school. I have stopped taking any meds since they didn't really seem helpful. What has helped me with my panic attacks is talking to people, specially my best friend. I am happy when we do something together, specially when we both share a strong interest for it.

It's nice to hear that you feel happy, when you do something together. From what you were saying before it sounds like being friends with him hurts sometimes because you have feelings for him. It must be difficult not to be able to talk about your feelings and this might make it more difficult to move on. What do you think? Β 

It's great that you've noticed that talking to people helps you with your anxiety. Is there anything from your sessions with the psychologist or the psychiatrist that you've found useful? I'm just wondering if they gave you some exercises on how to calm your body or focus your mind on something else, when you are feeling anxious or having a panic attack?Β 

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10 minutes ago, Aurora said:

It's nice to hear that you feel happy, when you do something together. From what you were saying before it sounds like being friends with him hurts sometimes because you have feelings for him. It must be difficult not to be able to talk about your feelings and this might make it more difficult to move on. What do you think? Β 

It's great that you've noticed that talking to people helps you with your anxiety. Is there anything from your sessions with the psychologist or the psychiatrist that you've found useful? I'm just wondering if they gave you some exercises on how to calm your body or focus your mind on something else, when you are feeling anxious or having a panic attack?Β 

I kinda learned how to calm myself from a panic attack, more or less and with anxiety attacks, they are just there, I just try to focus on something else. Confessing my feelings to him again won't solve anything, it will just make everything awkward. The reason I find it hard to move on is loneliness. I can't really vent to anyone about it IRL, everyone is homophobic in my country.Β 

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4 minutes ago, WhovianCoder said:

I kinda learned how to calm myself from a panic attack, more or less and with anxiety attacks, they are just there, I just try to focus on something else. Confessing my feelings to him again won't solve anything, it will just make everything awkward. The reason I find it hard to move on is loneliness. I can't really vent to anyone about it IRL, everyone is homophobic in my country.Β 

I'm sorry to hear that you can't talk to anyone. I can totally understand why that makes you feel lonely and that this is stopping you from moving on. You mentioned that you are going to university soon. You also said that you are feeling worried about going, but I'm wondering whether this might be a good opportunity to meet new people who are more open minded. What do you think? Β A lot of universities have LGBTQ+ clubs and societies so it might be worth looking into whether you university offers that. Β 

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10 minutes ago, Aurora said:

I'm sorry to hear that you can't talk to anyone. I can totally understand why that makes you feel lonely and that this is stopping you from moving on. You mentioned that you are going to university soon. You also said that you are feeling worried about going, but I'm wondering whether this might be a good opportunity to meet new people who are more open minded. What do you think? Β A lot of universities have LGBTQ+ clubs and societies so it might be worth looking into whether you university offers that. Β 

I don't think I will come up as lgbt to anyone too soon and I am not sure if my university has such clubs

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On 9/14/2022 at 2:14 PM, WhovianCoder said:

I don't think I will come up as lgbt to anyone too soon and I am not sure if my university has such clubs

Of course. This is your journey and it's really important that you don't feel any pressure to come out if you don't feel ready or if you feel it isn't safe. I'm just wondering whether going to university will give you the opportunity to meet new people and make new friends, which might help you to feel less lonely. What do you think?Β 

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5 minutes ago, Aurora said:

Of course. This is your journey and it's really important that you don't feel any pressure to come out if you don't feel ready or if you feel it isn't safe. I'm just wondering whether going to university will give you the opportunity to meet new people and make new friends, which might help you to feel less lonely. What do you think?Β 

Hopefully it will help. I am a bit worried about whether I will make a decent impression or not. I am kinda insecure about myself.

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7 minutes ago, WhovianCoder said:

Hopefully it will help. I am a bit worried about whether I will make a decent impression or not. I am kinda insecure about myself.

I find what can help in those situations is to remind yourself, that most others starting university will feel the same. They wont know anyone either and will worry about making a decent impression. And there will be lots of others there, who will want to make new friends. What do you think?Β 

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