Formal event that i'm going to have to wear a dress and suffer being deadnamed for.

[Hazard]

So, I might have to go to a formal event sometime in February, in a pretty conservative place, and my mom is telling me that I'm going to have to wear a dress. So, ew, just thinking about it makes me want to curl into a ball and never look at anyone ever again. I can't wear something 'masculine', because people who knew me six years ago will be there, and they'll all remember me as a cute little girl, which also makes me want to curl into a ball and never look at anyone again, because everyone is going to be deadnaming me and misgendering me, and the dysphoria is going to be hells-awful. Any advice?

[Aurora]

12 hours ago, Emberfrost12 said:

So, I might have to go to a formal event sometime in February, in a pretty conservative place, and my mom is telling me that I'm going to have to wear a dress. So, ew, just thinking about it makes me want to curl into a ball and never look at anyone ever again. I can't wear something 'masculine', because people who knew me six years ago will be there, and they'll all remember me as a cute little girl, which also makes me want to curl into a ball and never look at anyone again, because everyone is going to be deadnaming me and misgendering me, and the dysphoria is going to be hells-awful. Any advice?

Hi there, I can totally understand your reluctance and not wanting to go to the event if you can't be yourself. Have you spoken to your Mom about how this is making you feel? 

[Hazard]

Yes, I have. She always asks me if everyone really needs to know about my gender and then she gets mad at me and we fight and then she cries and asks me if i'll just do this 'one small thing for her' and then I feel bad and just kind of end the conversation without saying yes or no

[Aurora]

12 hours ago, Emberfrost12 said:

Yes, I have. She always asks me if everyone really needs to know about my gender and then she gets mad at me and we fight and then she cries and asks me if i'll just do this 'one small thing for her' and then I feel bad and just kind of end the conversation without saying yes or no

It sounds like your Mum is still getting used to your identity and doesn't quite understand how important it is that we can live authentically and be true to ourselves. What do you think? You said that she asks you to just do this "one small thing for her", which makes me think, that she might not realise how difficult her request is for you and what feelings this is provoking. Can you think of a way you might be able to bring your views across to her and explain yourself the best you can in a calm way (I know this probably isn't an easy thing to do)? Sometimes writing things down can help, or having someone else with you, who can help to calm things down if the conversation gets heated. What do you think? 

[Hazard]

1 hour ago, Aurora said:

It sounds like your Mum is still getting used to your identity and doesn't quite understand how important it is that we can live authentically and be true to ourselves. What do you think? You said that she asks you to just do this "one small thing for her", which makes me think, that she might not realise how difficult her request is for you and what feelings this is provoking. Can you think of a way you might be able to bring your views across to her and explain yourself the best you can in a calm way (I know this probably isn't an easy thing to do)? Sometimes writing things down can help, or having someone else with you, who can help to calm things down if the conversation gets heated. What do you think? 

Yeah, I agree. I do keep telling her how I can't really hide my identity, over and over and over again, but she never listens and makes it about me not respecting her. These conversations almost always end with both of us in tears, or very close to it, and no progress made. At this point, I don't think that I'm going to be able to avoid wearing a dress, and going to that event. 

[Aurora]

On 9/7/2022 at 2:18 PM, Emberfrost12 said:

Yeah, I agree. I do keep telling her how I can't really hide my identity, over and over and over again, but she never listens and makes it about me not respecting her. These conversations almost always end with both of us in tears, or very close to it, and no progress made. At this point, I don't think that I'm going to be able to avoid wearing a dress, and going to that event. 

That sounds tough. It's really frustrating when we don't feel listened to! Do you have any idea why she might think that you are not respecting her? Also, I'm wondering whether it might be possible to come up with a compromise of what you could wear to the even. Something you're both comfortable with. What do you think? 

[Hazard]

On 9/9/2022 at 7:11 AM, Aurora said:

That sounds tough. It's really frustrating when we don't feel listened to! Do you have any idea why she might think that you are not respecting her? Also, I'm wondering whether it might be possible to come up with a compromise of what you could wear to the even. Something you're both comfortable with. What do you think? 

No, I don't, and she won't tell me.

I'm going to try and come up with something she'd be okay with.

[Aurora]

On 9/10/2022 at 10:35 PM, Emberfrost12 said:

No, I don't, and she won't tell me.

I'm going to try and come up with something she'd be okay with.

That sounds frustrating. I think sometimes people can feel like we're not respecting them, even though it's more about them and their own thoughts and feelings rather than us. What I mean is, maybe your Mum is still getting used to your identity and her not feeling respected is a reflection of her own thoughts and beliefs, rather than something that you're doing. Does that make sense? 

How do you feel about going now? Do you think you might be able to come up with something you're both OK with? 

[Hazard]

6 hours ago, Aurora said:

That sounds frustrating. I think sometimes people can feel like we're not respecting them, even though it's more about them and their own thoughts and feelings rather than us. What I mean is, maybe your Mum is still getting used to your identity and her not feeling respected is a reflection of her own thoughts and beliefs, rather than something that you're doing. Does that make sense? 

How do you feel about going now? Do you think you might be able to come up with something you're both OK with? 

Yes it does :)

Pretty good, I think I will be able to come up with something. Thanks :)

[Aurora]

15 hours ago, Emberfrost12 said:

Yes it does :)

Pretty good, I think I will be able to come up with something. Thanks :)

Great :). Do you feel you need any more support with this or are you OK for now? 

[Hazard]

9 hours ago, Aurora said:

Great :). Do you feel you need any more support with this or are you OK for now? 

I think I'm okay for now, thanks for the help :)

[Aurora]

14 hours ago, Emberfrost12 said:

I think I'm okay for now, thanks for the help :)

No problem. We're always here for you :)