Gypsy Runner

[Celiynna-Rhae]

Hey, I’m Celiynna.

I’ve felt the intense urge to run from where I live.

there are many reasons but the main ones are that it’s drought weather over here and it hardly rains and that there’s not a lot of jobs or things to do her friends to find her support to be had around here. They just keep me here because I have nowhere to go and they know it, so they’ll take what they can for me while they have me but I can’t let them do that. But I can’t let them do that.

I need to find the place where I belong, and it is not here.

I can’t be the only one right?I can’t be the only one right?

it keeps growing, I try to do all I can to distract myself or push it back until I can find a good apartment somewhere but somewhere within me, it’s a voice saying it’s not enough.

What could I do?

 

 

 

 

[Monsoon]

Hello,

Welcome to the DTL community. I'm one of the digital mentors here and I give support to those who reach out to us. 

I'm just wondering, when you say that 'they' keep you there, can you tell me more about this? Who are they? 

[Celiynna-Rhae]

My supposed family.

They keep me here because they know I’m on disability, they know I have no experience with the world, they know my mom over sheltered me and my father trained me and my sisters our whole lives with rules on how to be submissive housewives.

Thats why I say my sisters weren’t rsised, we were trained.

People say, it couldn’t have been that bad; It was.

[Monsoon]

20 hours ago, Celiynna-Rhae said:

My supposed family.

They keep me here because they know I’m on disability, they know I have no experience with the world, they know my mom over sheltered me and my father trained me and my sisters our whole lives with rules on how to be submissive housewives.

Thats why I say my sisters weren’t rsised, we were trained.

People say, it couldn’t have been that bad; It was.

Hey there,

It sounds like you've had a tricky experience growing up in your family environment; what was the emotional experience of this like for you?

Also, I just want to check, is everything safe for you at home? 

[Celiynna-Rhae]

Everyone is so angry about things these days, nobody wants to do anything. And according to my family, my mental health is not their job or their priority or their problem. I’m on my own, I always have been since I was about 12 years old, I guess that’s when I began my journey of… Ending it.

I have no freedom, everyone around here can just drive off when they need to clear their head. No one else will take me for a drive when I want or need to go, the worst part is, most of them just tell me to walk around the block or take a walk up and down the street, thinking that should be enough for me when they know it would never be enough for them.
They cannot expect me to settle for something I know they would not settle for.
Sometimes, I feel like I only have two options. I either run or die and I don’t have a safe way to do either.

it’s always been this way, I’ve always been overprotected. There’s never been a time where I could really do anything without being overwatch me or just straight saying I can’t go because they don’t know what’s gonna happen. Most people in teenage household, will never know what happens with their teenage child, and just because I was visually impaired, they didn’t want anything to happen… Literally, so nothing dead. Nothing good anyway.

sure I was protected… From everything good, the only things that hurt me and hurt me badly were the things and the people that said they were trying to protect me. I’m 25 years old, I don’t know how many times I’m gonna say that but what I can tell you is I only have two options and never mind the fact that I have seven other personalities within me, I don’t live in my head alone and the rest of us are anxious to either leave or die.

I don’t know how much longer I can hold on to the nothingness that is left in this town and of my family. My brother and I are the only ones who really look out for each other and ourselves.

 

 

 

 

[Monsoon]

On 7/28/2022 at 6:04 PM, Celiynna-Rhae said:

Everyone is so angry about things these days, nobody wants to do anything. And according to my family, my mental health is not their job or their priority or their problem. I’m on my own, I always have been since I was about 12 years old, I guess that’s when I began my journey of… Ending it.

I have no freedom, everyone around here can just drive off when they need to clear their head. No one else will take me for a drive when I want or need to go, the worst part is, most of them just tell me to walk around the block or take a walk up and down the street, thinking that should be enough for me when they know it would never be enough for them.
They cannot expect me to settle for something I know they would not settle for.
Sometimes, I feel like I only have two options. I either run or die and I don’t have a safe way to do either.

it’s always been this way, I’ve always been overprotected. There’s never been a time where I could really do anything without being overwatch me or just straight saying I can’t go because they don’t know what’s gonna happen. Most people in teenage household, will never know what happens with their teenage child, and just because I was visually impaired, they didn’t want anything to happen… Literally, so nothing dead. Nothing good anyway.

sure I was protected… From everything good, the only things that hurt me and hurt me badly were the things and the people that said they were trying to protect me. I’m 25 years old, I don’t know how many times I’m gonna say that but what I can tell you is I only have two options and never mind the fact that I have seven other personalities within me, I don’t live in my head alone and the rest of us are anxious to either leave or die.

I don’t know how much longer I can hold on to the nothingness that is left in this town and of my family. My brother and I are the only ones who really look out for each other and ourselves.

Hey @Celiynna-Rhae

I just wanted to let you know that we are here for you and that we've sent a message to check in. I hope to hear back from you soon. 

[Celiynna-Rhae]

It’s not in this one, it must be in the other chat that I have. I’ll try to check that, I don’t know if you responded other than that message here. Anyway… It’s just getting worse.

[Monsoon]

Hey,

I’ve just read your other post and it sounds like you’ve really been through a lot in your life. For now, I just want to check, are you safe? If you aren’t, it’s okay to share that with me. Honesty is the best policy and we are here for you. I hope to hear from you soon. Take care.

[Celiynna-Rhae]

Physically, I’m safe.

mentally, I feel like a dying plant. I just want to be free, no one gets it.

I will run if no one helps me.

I thought people were supposed to help me.

[Monsoon]

I'm glad to hear you're safe, physically. In terms of the emotional side of your health, it sounds like it's time to start finding ways to take care of your wellbeing garden. I'm wondering, say that when you went to sleep tonight, a miracle happened and your life has completely changed and your problems were better, can you tell me 5 things that would be different? 

[Celiynna-Rhae]

Sure.

Before beginning, I will state that not even a myrical could save my broken past. That being said,

1. My car and I would be in a nice apartment alone together, happy and at peace; All her dreams would be a reality, which would melt my heart.

2. I’d have a KILLER job where the boss trusts me and lets me try things before saying I can’t do them; It helps that it pays well, both me and my cat can live.

3. Only people I want to know would know where I live.

4. I’d have tight, supportive friends and family who are there for me, as I am for them, who have bonfire, music, MaryJane and food parties with me and laugh about dumb shit, REAL friends and family.

5. I would have plants, probably another cat, gardens, a porch swing and it would rain often.

All Of this would probably reignite my will to sing again. Maybe I’d even find the courage to love somebody romantically, but I can’t focus on those things now.of this would probably reignite my will to sing again. Maybe I’d even find the courage to love somebody romantically, but I can’t focus on those things.

So I guess those would be the things that would change.

 

 

[Aurora]

16 hours ago, Celiynna-Rhae said:

Sure.

Before beginning, I will state that not even a myrical could save my broken past. That being said,

1. My car and I would be in a nice apartment alone together, happy and at peace; All her dreams would be a reality, which would melt my heart.

2. I’d have a KILLER job where the boss trusts me and lets me try things before saying I can’t do them; It helps that it pays well, both me and my cat can live.

3. Only people I want to know would know where I live.

4. I’d have tight, supportive friends and family who are there for me, as I am for them, who have bonfire, music, MaryJane and food parties with me and laugh about dumb shit, REAL friends and family.

5. I would have plants, probably another cat, gardens, a porch swing and it would rain often.

All Of this would probably reignite my will to sing again. Maybe I’d even find the courage to love somebody romantically, but I can’t focus on those things now.of this would probably reignite my will to sing again. Maybe I’d even find the courage to love somebody romantically, but I can’t focus on those things.

So I guess those would be the things that would change.

Hi @Celiynna-Rhae, I'm Aurora, I'm one of the other support mentors here at Ditch the Label. I thought I would jump in while Monsoon is away. I hope that's OK. 

Thank you for coming up with the list of things that would be different. You've gone into a lot of detail, which is great.  Let's just say, the miracle had happened, what is the main thing that would feel different compared to now?  And what are the first five things you would notice when you woke up in the morning that would tell you that this miracle had happened? 

[Celiynna-Rhae]

Well that is assuming that it would happen, which I would think that it would not.Well that is assuming that it would happen, which I would think that it would not.

I am just hoping that this conversation is actually going to lead to something.

1. I’d wake up to the sight of a nice looking cabin near the woods.

2. It would be raining.

3. I would wake up to messages of positive reinforcement or constructive criticism, so that I could become better me, all these messages coming from people who had my back.

4. My cat what have absolutely everything she needs, plus everything she likes, maybe even another companion.

5. I would have a job with animals and I would wake up every morning to an alarm clock, ready to go to whatever job it is to work with them. Maybe I’d even have a little one or two, orphans maybe or just children I took in, or maybe I will have lived my dream and I’ll have a child of my own. 

 

I always wanted my first child to be a daughter so that I can redo everything and undo the damage my mother and father caused me.MyI always wanted my first child to be a daughter so that I can redo everything and undo the damage my mother and father caused me.

My daughter would have everything she needed And a few things that she might want. You can never over spoil the child, but I absolutely do not deprive them.and a few things that she might want. You can never overspoil a child, but absolutely do not deprive them.

my life would just all around have a good balance. But I’ll tell you this, there are no miracles that will give my life a balance, there is no prayer that will save my life.

if I don’t push and if I don’t work, if I don’t try to help myself, how can anyone find a way to help me? Then again, trying to help myself has proven to other people that I don’t need any help, which is completely not true. People always assume that just because I’m very independent, means that I’m completely independent. No you tell me one person that can say that they lived their life and achieved and maintained their success fully completely 100% absolutely no doubt in their mind or anyone else’s mind, totally on their own and I’ll find you a liar.