I JUST FEEL LIKE TALKING BECAUSE I´VE BEEN FEELING A LITTLE ALONE <3

[magiclshop]

HAVING TO DEAL WITH MY SEXUALITY AFTER A LONG TIME 

(sorry about my english, i´m from Brazil)

I have had a first trying of coming out when i was 15, i was confused because i was having a crush in one of my best friends at the time and i talked to a friend who i thought i could trust, but he threw me out of any closets i could ever be on for my mom and she find texts that i said to my girl crush that i was confused and i need to go for a little while (at that time i lived in a different city and i used to come to my hometown to visit my dad) and me and mom had this huge fight and she mentioned the texts she had caught and called me crazy and a liar and those kind of stuff, and after that i was even more closed about sexuality (i have never had a boyfriend/girlfriend or even kissed anyone yet, and now i´m 21). 

after that i thought i was just done with that, and that confusion was just a thing from the age. but i was completely wrong. in 2017 i meet one of my best friends till this day and by 2018 i discover myself having feelings for her as well, but because of the last time i never even said that to anyone (only one friend, who i think didn´t believed me at all) and i never even mentioned that to my mom or any of my others friend. back then i was a total wreck, my emotional health was done, i was about to enter college and dealing with my sexuality at that point was going to be even more painfull. so, i´ve kept this feelings in the locker for at least 5 years, but i didn´t  knew that i have had kept those feelings deep inside of me.

i think you all know, but this year with 21 years and loving myself more i opened myself for having a romantic relationship (the first one), and at the same time "heartstopper" was out and i saw myself, all of my confusions reflected in Nick and the way he deal with it inspired me to open this "door" (my therapist calls this part of me, the door i´ve opened it) of my own, witch brought to the surface all those feelings i kept for myself regarding my best friend. and after a month and some days i feel at ease talking about those feelings in therapy, but i can´t point out where i would put myself in (under what letters of the lgbt yet) but i´m taking things slowly and following my pace to it. 

but after these one month coming in touch with myself and thinking about my sexuality and rediscovering those old feelings for my friend i am coming to that time where i want to share to my mom about everything and sit with her and just say it, and i was also thinking in a way i could say to this friend how i feel for her and it´s been a lot in my head and i´ve been dealing with this "alone" (i have my therapist) and i wish i could have someone to talk to you know? this is all mixed up and confused but i feel like sharing it even tho no one responds <3

[starrysaturn]

Hey!! 

I COMPLETELY understand what you're going through! I'm 19 and had my first crush on a girl when I was 16. At the time, I had cousins who had come out and they had both been through a lot of shit with our entire family. Ever since then, I've packed this confusing part of my life into a box and threw it in the attic, I always felt off, I was never comfortable when I was looking for a relationship and always knew something was missing.

Growing up, I always envisioned my life with a man, my best friend and I always talked about how our boyfriends were going to be best friends etc. I never really explored the possibility of not being straight because it was never an easy option and I knew my relationships would change.  I also have this feeling that I'm kinda old to only now be experiencing this feeling of confusion in my sexuality, I think a part of me is wondering if that is why I never kissed anybody or had a bf etc. 

Heartstopper came out this year and I have never felt so connected to a fictional character in my entire. I felt that same confusion and crisis that Nick feels when he starts to like Charlie. I also felt really connected with Charlie because I have been heavily bullied in the past and I'm recovering from an eating disorder. Something about this show made me feel so comfortable, almost like I found a world where I fit in and could maybe be accepted for who I am.  

This has also been really hard for me because I've also been going through this "alone" (I also have a therapist lol) and I'm trying to figure out If I'm bisexual, pansexual, or maybe even polysexual. There have been a few times when I have wanted to tell anybody in my life how I'm feeling but as soon as I work up the nerve to tell somebody I can't do it. The words just won't come out and every time I think I'm ready, I realize I'm not. This isn't easy so I know I have to give myself time to stop feeling so ashamed (catholic upbringing and all), accept myself, and give myself time to feel ready. 

I'm always here if you need to talk and want you to know you're never alone even if it feels that way sometimes.  <3

[magiclshop]

Thank you so much for sharing your story and how you also are overcoming those feelings of confusion and not feeling like you belong. It's been really hard hearing my mom or sister came to me and say "hey, we just saw this boy and his so beautiful, perfect for you" when that's not how i feel anymore, and when I'm trying to find the words to share this with them. 

And also, sharing my feelings with my friend how i have feelings for and maybe losing that friendship that means the world to me. But you know when you can't keep lying and hiding yourself behind lies or half truths. 

I really appreciate you sharing what your shared with me, it was like i wasn't really alone and made me feel more connected with me and with I'm discovering myself to be <3

[starrysaturn]

I know exactly what you mean, I was out with my cousin tonight and she was talking to me about how she's gonna help me find a boyfriend this year etc. Lately, I've been trying to choose my words carefully and maybe hint at how I'm feeling inside so that everybody isn't as shocked when I do feel ready to come out. For example, when someone starts talking to me about "getting a boyfriend" I'll reply with something like "yea when I'm in a relationship," or "with a future partner...". 

I get what you mean by being scared to talk to your best friend about your feelings, My best friend is the most amazing human on the planet (in my opinion lol), She is and will always be my forever person. I don't have romantic feelings for her but I love the way I love a sister. I can imagine how scary those feelings might be and how hard it would be to risk such an amazing friendship. I'm having a hard time talking to my best friend about my sexuality in fear of losing her, I know she would be supportive but that fear is still always going to be there. 

Anyways, talking has definitely made me feel better and less alone as well! <3

[magiclshop]

I just feel like replying to you, it's because it just feels good to talk to someone who understands everything going on in my head. And yeah, about the boyfriend thing i have been thinking about all the times a boy asked me to hang out (that would end up in kisses and that stuff) and i remember, looking back, that i always said a clear and loud no to any of that stuff because i feel like i wasn't ready at all. 

But when i switch my thoughts to the feelings i bad fir my friends, and specially the feeling i have for my best friend i can see myself being with her, and doing things i said i was never ready for back then. And yeah, as your best friend, mine is also my favorite person, is so easy to talk to her about everything and anything, she hears me and i hear her, we have this amazing friendship and i don't want to blow everything but at the same time I can't do this pretending thing for a longer time.

Thanks for your replying<3

[starrysaturn]

 I totally understand what you're feeling 

There is just something about how gentle Women are that I really enjoy and crave. Maybe it's because I've only ever liked trash men in the past but I just don't feel comfortable or ready for things with a man that I could totally be ready for with a woman. I haven't met any nice guys yet, just the occasional perv but I have definitely met girls in the past that gave me butterflies. At the time I just wanted to be straight so that I didn't have to fight with my family and so that I could still be the "perfect daughter." A part of me wishes I had explored those feelings but right now there is nobody in the picture, just me trying to figure out who I am. 

Even though I feel like I would have to take things much slower with a guy the romantic and sexual attraction is definitely there, same with women. 

I also think it might be helpful to tell your best friend what's going on and how you are feeling! It might go great but it also might not; it seems to be something that you need to get off your chest and if it is really eating away at you always pretending, I would probably tell her. 

Hope you are doing well and thanks for talking to me <3

[magiclshop]

Thanks for talking to me as well <3 it gets really helpful just saying it and gathering all those thoughts in just one thought 

[Books and Bi]

On 6/6/2022 at 10:35 PM, starrysaturn said:

Hey!! 

I COMPLETELY understand what you're going through! I'm 19 and had my first crush on a girl when I was 16. At the time, I had cousins who had come out and they had both been through a lot of shit with our entire family. Ever since then, I've packed this confusing part of my life into a box and threw it in the attic, I always felt off, I was never comfortable when I was looking for a relationship and always knew something was missing.

Growing up, I always envisioned my life with a man, my best friend and I always talked about how our boyfriends were going to be best friends etc. I never really explored the possibility of not being straight because it was never an easy option and I knew my relationships would change.  I also have this feeling that I'm kinda old to only now be experiencing this feeling of confusion in my sexuality, I think a part of me is wondering if that is why I never kissed anybody or had a bf etc. 

Heartstopper came out this year and I have never felt so connected to a fictional character in my entire. I felt that same confusion and crisis that Nick feels when he starts to like Charlie. I also felt really connected with Charlie because I have been heavily bullied in the past and I'm recovering from an eating disorder. Something about this show made me feel so comfortable, almost like I found a world where I fit in and could maybe be accepted for who I am.  

This has also been really hard for me because I've also been going through this "alone" (I also have a therapist lol) and I'm trying to figure out If I'm bisexual, pansexual, or maybe even polysexual. There have been a few times when I have wanted to tell anybody in my life how I'm feeling but as soon as I work up the nerve to tell somebody I can't do it. The words just won't come out and every time I think I'm ready, I realize I'm not. This isn't easy so I know I have to give myself time to stop feeling so ashamed (catholic upbringing and all), accept myself, and give myself time to feel ready. 

I'm always here if you need to talk and want you to know you're never alone even if it feels that way sometimes.  <3

Hello,

I wanted to thank you for this comment!!!! It made me feel less alone in my current struggles, Growing up (and still living in a homophobic/ very very Catholic home) I've struggled so much recently. At my school, I'd been giving support to a girl who is (like me) bisexual. One of her friends overheard and outed us both to almost every parent/ kid in my Catholic homeschool group. I have been struggling with some of the worst depression and anxiety types for my age group without knowing it for years and her doing that has worsened my panic and anxiety attacks over the last few months. 

Heartstopper gave me a similar effect on my life. I'd been outed horribly right after it came out.  And with no support from my parents and my family other than many older sisters, I was greatly hurt (and still am) about how my family acted as if I were a criminal and not a person in need of love.  Having an eating disorder in the form of starving myself and then binge eating I felt so represented in this show. I also have been going through something similar to Nick in the fact of the confusion and struggling with homophobic people/ bullies in my life. My favorite episode is the last one where he tells Charlie that they are boyfriends and when he tells his mom he's bi she just loves him as he is. The way that most of their friends and family just accept and love them as they are. It felt like a warm weighted blanket hug. It also reminded me that there are people who will love me as I am. It is my favorite thing to watch when I'm feeling ashamed or have heard negative comments all day about the people in the LGBTQIA+ community (which can be extremely hurtful).

Anyways I didn't mean to rant but I understand how the hate can be suffocating such a place. Thank you for making me feel seen, loved, and understood.

 

[magiclshop]

Hey, 

I just wanted to say that i feel so sorry about everything you are going through right now. I don't have anything else actually to say, just wanted to point out that you are really strong despite everything and you should be proud of you. 

I hope you feel better soon or you just get someone to talk to you or someone that you can truly trust. 

Anyways, i hope you know your not alone and please stay safe <3 

[starrysaturn]

On 6/9/2022 at 7:56 PM, Books and Bi said:

Hello,

I wanted to thank you for this comment!!!! It made me feel less alone in my current struggles, Growing up (and still living in a homophobic/ very very Catholic home) I've struggled so much recently. At my school, I'd been giving support to a girl who is (like me) bisexual. One of her friends overheard and outed us both to almost every parent/ kid in my Catholic homeschool group. I have been struggling with some of the worst depression and anxiety types for my age group without knowing it for years and her doing that has worsened my panic and anxiety attacks over the last few months. 

Heartstopper gave me a similar effect on my life. I'd been outed horribly right after it came out.  And with no support from my parents and my family other than many older sisters, I was greatly hurt (and still am) about how my family acted as if I were a criminal and not a person in need of love.  Having an eating disorder in the form of starving myself and then binge eating I felt so represented in this show. I also have been going through something similar to Nick in the fact of the confusion and struggling with homophobic people/ bullies in my life. My favorite episode is the last one where he tells Charlie that they are boyfriends and when he tells his mom he's bi she just loves him as he is. The way that most of their friends and family just accept and love them as they are. It felt like a warm weighted blanket hug. It also reminded me that there are people who will love me as I am. It is my favorite thing to watch when I'm feeling ashamed or have heard negative comments all day about the people in the LGBTQIA+ community (which can be extremely hurtful).

Anyways I didn't mean to rant but I understand how the hate can be suffocating such a place. Thank you for making me feel seen, loved, and understood.

Hey! 
 

I’ve have also struggled with my fair share of mental health issues and that somehow made me feel connected to Charlie in Heartstopper. Being so confused, just now understanding/exploring who I am, and being in the closet made me also feel weirdly connected to Nick in the show. There is something about the show that makes me feel good that such a happy possibility could occur but another part of me just wants to live in heartstopper La La Land (if you know what I mean) . 
 

Growing up catholic, it can be really hard to deal with sexuality, that’s why I suppressed it up until a month or two ago. I’ve had a feeling for the past 2 or so years but I never actually thought about it because I didn’t want to be rejected. I’ve learned that I don’t want to be a part of a community that would reject me or that doesn’t want me because of me, my feelings, and my moral values. Catholicism can be quite toxic but it can also be contradictory. They say that you aren’t welcome if you have an abortion or are gay etc.. but it is also preached that God loves us all and that we are all his children. Which is it? Does He love us all? Or does He judge us continually for our actions and shun those who don’t do what He likes? Me and my therapist talk about this a lot lol!
 

If you can’t already tell, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m atheist (I think telling my parents that will be worse than coming out). 
 

Anyways, I’m sorry things didn’t go well for you but I’m sure as you get older and move into university things will get better! Please reach out anytime and always remember you are not alone <3 

- K