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This topic contains content which has been flagged with warnings, as follows: Hate, Self-Harm

I'm scared of my self sabotage


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This post has been flagged with warnings, as follows: Hate, Self-Harm

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Hi, this is my first time talking about this, and I'm doing it partly to prepare what I'm gonna say when I talk to my friend about this because I'm planning to. Here goes. 

I don't like the way I look. I'm overweight. I didn't think it was an actual problem in my head because I've always been thinking like this - I've been trying to lose weight ever since I've been aware. And I'm not just saying that, I remember being in the first grade thinking I'm overweight. I've recently realised that all the things I do are not normal/okay. Sometimes I look in the mirror and want to cry. I'm just surprised, because you know, you don't see yourself much, and you just think, "This is what everyone sees?" I often look at my thighs, start crying and scratch them because I hate them so much. A few weeks ago I wanted to cut them, but I realised that's too much and stopped myself. I've also tried to make myself puke, but phisically couldn't, probably because of a condition related to puking I used to have. I've taken up smoking because someone said they lost weight after they started it (I'm trying to quit). I stopped eating candy for 7 months and started exercising - and it's showed some results, but it's so hard and honestly, miserable to not eat the food I love. I also have so many complexes about going to the gym - I'm the second youngest there but I'm the fattest. The place also has mirrors for walls and I'm constantly looking at myself red and fat next to the beautiful ladies behind me. I hate it. And the results aren't even that amazing. Like, what am I living for? Enjoying life and eating stuff you like vs fighting to look skinner. It's a paradox. I'm writing here because I'm scared of what I might do if I don't stop feeling this way about myself. What if I actually act on one of those impulses? 

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  • Digital Mentor

Hello @vilhelmina

Thank you for sharing your deeply personal thoughts and feelings about your self-image with us. I can imagine that this must be hard for you to talk about, and I'm glad you've chosen to open up here. How does it feel talking about this? I can really sense the struggle you're currently experiencing, and it sounds like you have intense emotional conflict over your appearance. I noticed what you said about how you're scared of what you might do if you don't stop feeling this way, and I'm wondering, can you tell me more about what you mean by that? 

Also, I must say though, I think it's great that you managed to avoid self-harming, and I'm wondering, what helped you to do this?

digital-mentor.png.37594766624d87064910e

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