Why I joined

[GayGirl]

 So I may as well start at the beginning. When I was 9, I noticed that I was starting to feel more romantically inclined towards women. And anyone that says that young relationships don’t mean anything is dead wrong. 
I was confused at the time, so I asked some friends about it and they all said it was “weird” or “freaky.” So I assumed that I was a freak and embraced it. I pretended to be straight all through 5th and 6th grade, faking crushes on guys when I had no romantic attraction towards them at all. I felt trapped, hopeless, and weak.

 

Now you may be wondering why I didn’t turn to family during this time. My mother and stepfather are open to the idea but i am still not sure how they would react. My dad has called it unnatural, gross, and bad and has said the same about there being more than two genders. As for my stepmom, I know it is not intentional, but in most of her remarks, she abuses me mentally. How? She constantly says that I don’t try, even when im the hardest worker in our family. My first grandma is very transphobic and homophobic, and would most likely disown me as her grandchild. My three others are the exact same way, and one, because of her faith, would be forced to cut all contact with me. My siblings practically hate me. I know you’re probably thinking, “oh you may think that but they love you at heart” NO. they constantly try to break down my door, they steal, and they have said they hate me many times.

Now maybe you’re thinking, why not pray? God will help! Yeah… no. I’ve prayed countless times, but I have never felt any sort of connection whilst doing it. It has never helped solve problems and never will, so I have lost faith on God, Jesus, and The Holy Spirit. 
 

Now for the part that the warnings were for. Because of all this, I began to show signs of depression and self diagnosed it. I began to have panic attacks and breakdowns and started cutting my wrists. I have attempted suicide twice, one I tried to hang myself but the rope wasn’t strong enough so it gave out; the second time I attempted the shoot myself but the gun wasn’t loaded. So I attempted to run away but my shirt got caught on my fence. But nonetheless, I need help. I don’t want to be happy again. I just do t want to look in the mirror and see someone who has had a rope around their neck and a gun pointed at their head. I want to see someone in the mirror who doesn’t hate themselves. That is all I want and is that too much to ask for? Apparently so.

[Daisie]

 

Hey @GayGirl

I have read your post and wondered if you feel you’d benefit from chatting to one of our trained mentors? I have tagged them in, so they can reach out to you.

@Monsoon & @Blondie

 

[Monsoon]

4 hours ago, GayGirl said:

 So I may as well start at the beginning. When I was 9, I noticed that I was starting to feel more romantically inclined towards women. And anyone that says that young relationships don’t mean anything is dead wrong. 
I was confused at the time, so I asked some friends about it and they all said it was “weird” or “freaky.” So I assumed that I was a freak and embraced it. I pretended to be straight all through 5th and 6th grade, faking crushes on guys when I had no romantic attraction towards them at all. I felt trapped, hopeless, and weak.

Now you may be wondering why I didn’t turn to family during this time. My mother and stepfather are open to the idea but i am still not sure how they would react. My dad has called it unnatural, gross, and bad and has said the same about there being more than two genders. As for my stepmom, I know it is not intentional, but in most of her remarks, she abuses me mentally. How? She constantly says that I don’t try, even when im the hardest worker in our family. My first grandma is very transphobic and homophobic, and would most likely disown me as her grandchild. My three others are the exact same way, and one, because of her faith, would be forced to cut all contact with me. My siblings practically hate me. I know you’re probably thinking, “oh you may think that but they love you at heart” NO. they constantly try to break down my door, they steal, and they have said they hate me many times.

Now maybe you’re thinking, why not pray? God will help! Yeah… no. I’ve prayed countless times, but I have never felt any sort of connection whilst doing it. It has never helped solve problems and never will, so I have lost faith on God, Jesus, and The Holy Spirit. 
 

Now for the part that the warnings were for. Because of all this, I began to show signs of depression and self diagnosed it. I began to have panic attacks and breakdowns and started cutting my wrists. I have attempted suicide twice, one I tried to hang myself but the rope wasn’t strong enough so it gave out; the second time I attempted the shoot myself but the gun wasn’t loaded. So I attempted to run away but my shirt got caught on my fence. But nonetheless, I need help. I don’t want to be happy again. I just do t want to look in the mirror and see someone who has had a rope around their neck and a gun pointed at their head. I want to see someone in the mirror who doesn’t hate themselves. That is all I want and is that too much to ask for? Apparently so.

Hey @GayGirl

Thank you for sharing your story with us. My name is Monsoon and I'm one of the digital mentors here - what's your name? It sounds like you've been through a really tough time, especially with the suicide attempts. I really admire how you've been open with us here about these deeply personal aspects of your life as I cannot imagine that they were easy to share. How are you feeling after writing this out? I think there can be a sense of relief after telling people about your struggles, and I hope that you're feeling a little better for doing so. I just want to check before we talk more, are you safe at the moment? I am just thinking about the attempts you made to take your life, and I thought I'd check in to see how you are mentally at the moment. If you are still feeling suicidal, please know that it's okay to tell us this and that this kind of feeling often passes. We are here for you and I hope to hear back from you soon. Take care. 

[GayGirl]

Thanks @Daisie and @Monsoon for telling me these. I just needed to vent and I feel a little bit better after coming on here and writing it down.

[Monsoon]

4 hours ago, GayGirl said:

Thanks @Daisie and @Monsoon for telling me these. I just needed to vent and I feel a little bit better after coming on here and writing it down.

Hey there,

I'm glad to hear that you feel a little better after writing all of this down. How have you been since you made your first post? Are you safe at the moment? 

[GayGirl]

I am safe  at this moment because I am singing and singing is my comfort thing.

[Monsoon]

9 hours ago, GayGirl said:

I am safe  at this moment because I am singing and singing is my comfort thing.

Hello @GayGirl

I'm glad to hear you're safe at the moment. I'm wondering, does anyone know about the times when you tried to take your own life? Also, are you currently getting any support for your mental health?

Just incase you need it, here is some safety information for you if you're ever in a crisis again and need to speak to someone immediately: 

 

• UK - The Samaritans: 116 123 (24/7 service)
• USA - NSPL: 1-800-273-8255
• A list of worldwide crisis lines: https://www.befrienders.org
• An app I can recommend: https://www.prevent-suicide.org.uk/find-help-now/stay-alive-app/ this has safety plans to make sure you don't harm yourself and you might find it useful. 
• If you’re in the UK, you can text SHOUT to 85258 when you are struggling, and a trained crisis volunteer will text you back. This is great if you find talking on the phone challenging, and it’s completely free 24/7

 

[GayGirl]

I’ll make sure that if I’m ever  in that crisis again, I’ll call one of those numbers. I’ve tried getting help but my parent say that it’s just a phase or they pass it up as a bad day. I’m afraid that if they figured out I was cutting my wrists then they’ll send me to our local mental health institution which has a lot of rumors going around it. My friend’s brother went there and he came back with scratches and bruises so I’m kind of worried

[Monsoon]

Hey @GayGirl

I'm glad to hear you will call one of those numbers if you ever are in crisis again. I'm wondering, when you tried to get help, what did you do? Did you speak with your parents? Also, with the self-harming, how do you feel when you do it and once some time has passed after? 

 

[GayGirl]

When I tried to get help, this was before the attempts and self harm, I told my stepdad that I wasn’t feeling ok but he said it was just a phase but I don’t think so. And I normally harm myself when I’m feeling really bad, though the pain is hard to describe. It’s, indefinite, to be honest. Although, after I do it, it becomes a pain always trying to hide my wrists and arms so I sort of regret it. But by the time the cuts heal, I’m doing it again, and I can’t stop. It’s addicting in a way

[Monsoon]

Hey there,

Ah, okay. I'm glad that you told your stepdad, but yeah, I think it can be pretty unhelpful when you open up to someone about this sort of thing and they say it's a phase. Even if it is temporary, it's important to have support at the time. I'm wondering, does anyone else know about the self-harming, like your stepdad? Also, I completely get what you're saying about it being addicting in a way. I'm wondering though, why do you think you self-harm? Does it have any benefits for you? 

[GayGirl]

Only my two closest friends know, and they both have done it at least once. And with the self harm, it’s sort of like a coping mechanism. It’s hard to explain, but I’ve tried taking my anger and stress out on other things and the others have never worked so self harm is sort of like me taking my anger out on myself, and it works somehow. At least for the momentary for a day, that is. And I was sort of expecting my stepdad to say that it was a phase, considering I’m only 13

[Monsoon]

Hey there,

Yeah, many people self-harm as a coping mechanism, and it's good to find other ways of managing.  I'm wondering, can you tell me about a time when you've been able to calm your challenging feelings without self-harming? 

[GayGirl]

One time I was at a friends house and they had a punching bag. I was feeling stressed but taking a few punches at it helped. Although every time I try to get one for myself, my parents always respond with “what are you gonna use it for” and I don’t feel comfortable telling them about my depression yet

[Monsoon]

Hey there,

Ah, that's great that the punching bag helped :)

I think there's a couple of thing in this: 1) could it be helpful to try and make your own punching bag, like putting some pillows together and punching that? 2) Maybe it's a sign that it might be a good idea to tell them about your mental health because you can the access more things to help. What do you think?

[GayGirl]

I’ll try the pillow thing, and I may tell my parents about my depression but not the attempts or cutting yet.

[Monsoon]

8 hours ago, GayGirl said:

I’ll try the pillow thing, and I may tell my parents about my depression but not the attempts or cutting yet.

Hey there,

Yeah, give it a go and let us know what it's like. Also, I do think it would help to speak with them about the depression. If you do decide to tell them and want help with what to say, I can support you with that if you like, just let me know :) 

[GayGirl]

Yeah, I do sort of need help with what to say… I stutter a lot and whenever I start to talk about something that means something to me that’s sad, I start to cry and no one takes me seriously because of that.

[Monsoon]

3 hours ago, GayGirl said:

Yeah, I do sort of need help with what to say… I stutter a lot and whenever I start to talk about something that means something to me that’s sad, I start to cry and no one takes me seriously because of that.

Hey there,

Ah, okay, I understand. I'm wondering, could it help to write a letter instead? What do you think? 

[GayGirl]

My parents do better with face to face conversations which makes it a little more difficult to tell them things.

[Monsoon]

7 hours ago, GayGirl said:

My parents do better with face to face conversations which makes it a little more difficult to tell them things.

Hey there,

Ah, okay, but I guess it's also important to think about what works for you too, and if writing a letter or something else instead, then I think that it would be good for you to do that to make it as comfortable for you as possible. Do you think they would be okay with that? 

[GayGirl]

I think they made need more time to process, but overall, yes.

[Monsoon]

Hey there,

What's your name by the way? I just realised I haven't asked! 

Yeah, good point about needing more time to process. I'm wondering, what do you think you'll do next then, or have you not thought that far ahead yet? 

[GayGirl]

My birth name is Elizabeth, although I plan on changing my name later on. Although for now my friends call me Eli. And I haven’t really thought that far yet, but they will probably want to talk with me about it afterwards

[Monsoon]

Hey Elizabeth,

Would you prefer it if I called you Eli? Just let me know :)

I'm wondering then, would you like support with anything else at the moment?