Am I bi or just Overthinking?

[Jaylen]

well right now there are three people I am comfortable with, who also know that I am not straight. 2 of them are my classmates and one of them is a year younger than me so I rarely get to see her.

( just consider my classmates as A and B) so my earlier friend group had 7 people in it, my best friend who I liked was also a part of it.

 I've been friends with her since I was 10. I realized I liked her more than a friend when I was 15. After that I just couldn't handle it anymore, she had a boyfriend and all she spoke about were boys, she treated everyone of her friends the same including me, which made me angry, at first I thought it was coz I was her best friend, I should be given more attention, but later I realized that I was jealous. I always wanted more than she could give, I expected her to like me more than everyone else. And day by day I was getting scared. I was scared I'd lose her to someone else right before my eyes, I could tell that we had a very close relationship. A lot of people said we were really close and we're really cute together, but as days went on I felt her move away from me, it's probably just paranoia but I felt like her boy friend meant more to her than me, I was scared. And then one day I decided to leave her and our friendship, coz I couldn't do it anymore, I couldn't handle her being with everyone the way we used to be, it was suppose to be just us, but she is a nice person she treats everyone the same, I just disappointed myself by thinking that we could have more. that's when everything went downhill for me

so when I left her I had to leave my whole friend group, my friends A and B also had issues with our group, it was different to mine but they left as well. that's one reason I'm comfortable with them , because I've known them for a while, and since they were there with me while I was going through these changes. but still I don't feel whole, as if I was torn apart, they are good friends, but they just don't fill me up. you get what I mean?

so because of the pandemic our class had to be divided into two, so that there  would be less children in a class together. so I was separated from my friends, that's when I met the girl younger to me, we just spoke, I saw her everyday afterschool, and one day she came out to me as gay, since then we've gotten closer. and she is an openminded kid as well. which is why I'm comfortable with her. 

[Leafiebean]

On 1/1/2022 at 5:25 PM, Egg said:

you might just be overthinking it, but stick with your gut, it's helpful.

I agree with egg. no matter what anyone says just listen to what you think. you be you

[Monsoon]

9 hours ago, Jaylen said:

well right now there are three people I am comfortable with, who also know that I am not straight. 2 of them are my classmates and one of them is a year younger than me so I rarely get to see her.

( just consider my classmates as A and B) so my earlier friend group had 7 people in it, my best friend who I liked was also a part of it.

 I've been friends with her since I was 10. I realized I liked her more than a friend when I was 15. After that I just couldn't handle it anymore, she had a boyfriend and all she spoke about were boys, she treated everyone of her friends the same including me, which made me angry, at first I thought it was coz I was her best friend, I should be given more attention, but later I realized that I was jealous. I always wanted more than she could give, I expected her to like me more than everyone else. And day by day I was getting scared. I was scared I'd lose her to someone else right before my eyes, I could tell that we had a very close relationship. A lot of people said we were really close and we're really cute together, but as days went on I felt her move away from me, it's probably just paranoia but I felt like her boy friend meant more to her than me, I was scared. And then one day I decided to leave her and our friendship, coz I couldn't do it anymore, I couldn't handle her being with everyone the way we used to be, it was suppose to be just us, but she is a nice person she treats everyone the same, I just disappointed myself by thinking that we could have more. that's when everything went downhill for me

so when I left her I had to leave my whole friend group, my friends A and B also had issues with our group, it was different to mine but they left as well. that's one reason I'm comfortable with them , because I've known them for a while, and since they were there with me while I was going through these changes. but still I don't feel whole, as if I was torn apart, they are good friends, but they just don't fill me up. you get what I mean?

so because of the pandemic our class had to be divided into two, so that there  would be less children in a class together. so I was separated from my friends, that's when I met the girl younger to me, we just spoke, I saw her everyday afterschool, and one day she came out to me as gay, since then we've gotten closer. and she is an openminded kid as well. which is why I'm comfortable with her. 

Hey there,

Yeah, I remember you mentioning about leaving your friend group which must have been really tough. I'm wondering, do you think you will ever be able to be friends with her and the group again? Also, that's great you've been able to make friends with the girl who is a bit younger than you. What do you like about your friendship with her? :) 

[Jaylen]

3 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

Yeah, I remember you mentioning about leaving your friend group which must have been really tough. I'm wondering, do you think you will ever be able to be friends with her and the group again? Also, that's great you've been able to make friends with the girl who is a bit younger than you. What do you like about your friendship with her? :) 

No i can't ever go back to my friends, i tried being casual but its really awkward, which is understandable.

Well she reminds me of me sometimes ( how i used to be) so that kind of attracted me towards her. Other than that there is still something about her that makes me want to be her friend. Though im not sure what.

9 hours ago, Leafiebean said:

I agree with egg. no matter what anyone says just listen to what you think. you be you

yes i will. Thank you

[Monsoon]

7 hours ago, Jaylen said:

No i can't ever go back to my friends, i tried being casual but its really awkward, which is understandable.

Well she reminds me of me sometimes ( how i used to be) so that kind of attracted me towards her. Other than that there is still something about her that makes me want to be her friend. Though im not sure what.

yes i will. Thank you

Hey there,

That's a shame that you can't go back to the group, but I guess it also makes for a good opportunity to make new friends :) 

Also, that's cool that she reminds you of yourself. What things do you like to do together? 

[Jaylen]

On 1/8/2022 at 4:02 PM, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

That's a shame that you can't go back to the group, but I guess it also makes for a good opportunity to make new friends :) 

Also, that's cool that she reminds you of yourself. What things do you like to do together? 

We can't do anything together i only see her for less than five minutes every morning. And in our country girls cant go out alone. And she doesn't have a phone yet, so.... But i would seriously love to spend some time with her 

[Monsoon]

8 hours ago, Jaylen said:

We can't do anything together i only see her for less than five minutes every morning. And in our country girls cant go out alone. And she doesn't have a phone yet, so.... But i would seriously love to spend some time with her 

Hey there,

How come you can't do anything together? Is its because of school and the pandemic? 

[Jaylen]

14 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

How come you can't do anything together? Is its because of school and the pandemic? 

Well. She is a year younger than me.

Our school starts at 7.30 we should be in our classes around 7.15 and she comes around 7.00. She has to pass my class before going to hers so we greet eachother then. And that's it we don't see each other until the next day. 

She has got a weird personality. I dont know how to explain it properly....

Like i hug her. But she has never hugged me back, i could get offended. But she does it to everyone! She never hugs anyone which is so weird, like she lets people hug her but her hands are always at her sides, she doesn't even give them a pat or anything. Well except for her girlfriend. That's just one weird thing about her.

And there is this common thing we share. She doesn't know it though, its that we don't show our real feelings, like we could be so happy or excited but we'll show ourselves to be normal. And i don't do affection, she doesn't either. I find it so weird when people do anything related to affection, even my parents. Until the pandemic my mom actually thought that i never loved her, which is sad, because i do. But i just dont like to show it. Even my friends im really rude to them, in a joking way which i am so glad they understand. They treat me the same too, i like it. If any of us are nice to each other we straight up ask if they're okay. So yea. A lot of people dont like me at school because of that. Obviously they don't show it but i can feel it, i know it when they act fake with me. That's also why i like this girl eventhough she doesn't hug me back, i don't feel the rejection  or anything about her that's not real. And like i said she is like me so she is rude too, so she says her things straight up she doesn't beat around the bush, so if she doesn't like what i did she would straight up tell me. I don't think i really answered your question i just got carried away

Well other than school we have no way of communication. And none of us are going to go out of our way to find a way to contact each other. I asked her for her phone number ones (i did a lot of thinking for that. Took me a very long time to actually do it). And she doesn't even have a phone yet!

Edited January 10, 2022 by Jaylen

[Monsoon]

Hey there,

That is interesting that she doesn't hug most people back. I'm wondering, why do you think that is? Also, could you speak to her quickly in school and ask if she wants to hangout outside of school? 

[Jaylen]

26 minutes ago, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

That is interesting that she doesn't hug most people back. I'm wondering, why do you think that is? Also, could you speak to her quickly in school and ask if she wants to hangout outside of school? 

She is going to find that so weird!

I don't think her parents will let though, and i can't go out alone. We need a guardian and mom doesn't do that.( she has got enough and more to worry about) I don't think her mom will either she has four kids the last one is really small. And we aren't really that close to being hanging out i guess.

Actually i don't know, im too scared to ask her. What if she thinks im weird and starts avoiding me

[Monsoon]

On 1/11/2022 at 9:17 AM, Jaylen said:

She is going to find that so weird!

I don't think her parents will let though, and i can't go out alone. We need a guardian and mom doesn't do that.( she has got enough and more to worry about) I don't think her mom will either she has four kids the last one is really small. And we aren't really that close to being hanging out i guess.

Actually i don't know, im too scared to ask her. What if she thinks im weird and starts avoiding me

Hey there,

Is everything alright with your mom? Also, maybe she could come to yours, or you could go to hers, what do you think? It's worth a try asking as I'm sure you'd have a great time!

[Jaylen]

On 1/17/2022 at 4:07 AM, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

Is everything alright with your mom? Also, maybe she could come to yours, or you could go to hers, what do you think? It's worth a try asking as I'm sure you'd have a great time!

She doesn't seem like a person who would hang out with everyone. She is more of a closed off person. Maybe if I become really close to her, then yeah I'll try 

[Jaylen]

On 1/17/2022 at 4:07 AM, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

Is everything alright with your mom? Also, maybe she could come to yours, or you could go to hers, what do you think? It's worth a try asking as I'm sure you'd have a great time!

Yea everything is fine with my mom. She just isn't very good with children.

[Monsoon]

Hey there,

Yeah, it can be hard to get to know closed off people, but I guess that you might not get to hang out if you don't try at this point as she might need someone to just take more of a lead to hang out rather than get close with them first. What do you think? 

Also, I noticed what you said about your mom not being very good with children, and I'm wondering, can you tell me more about that?

[Jaylen]

16 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

Yeah, it can be hard to get to know closed off people, but I guess that you might not get to hang out if you don't try at this point as she might need someone to just take more of a lead to hang out rather than get close with them first. What do you think? 

Also, I noticed what you said about your mom not being very good with children, and I'm wondering, can you tell me more about that?

 She loves us, but she wouldn't go out of her way for other children? 

Like we have this language problem, we are a Tamil family, but me and my sisters all learn English so we've got friends who speak in English or Sinhala (I'm from Sri Lanka )

So my friends and my mom don't really click much. They do talk, but very very rarely. My dads fine, though he works abroad so...:)

[Monsoon]

On 1/19/2022 at 9:53 AM, Jaylen said:

 She loves us, but she wouldn't go out of her way for other children? 

Like we have this language problem, we are a Tamil family, but me and my sisters all learn English so we've got friends who speak in English or Sinhala (I'm from Sri Lanka )

So my friends and my mom don't really click much. They do talk, but very very rarely. My dads fine, though he works abroad so...:)

Hey there,

Ah, okay, thanks for explaining that. So, with what you said about her not being very good with children, does that mean that she isn't good with you as well? If so, can you tell me more about that?

[Leafiebean]

whats going on

[Jaylen]

On 1/21/2022 at 2:38 AM, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

Ah, okay, thanks for explaining that. So, with what you said about her not being very good with children, does that mean that she isn't good with you as well? If so, can you tell me more about that?

no no, she is great with us, she is a great mother as well. she just isn't flexible with a anything and everything. which I understand. 

but overall she is great :)

[Jaylen]

On 1/21/2022 at 2:41 AM, Leafiebean said:

what's going on

Just me trying to find a way to spend some time with my crush.

[Jaylen]

I get to meet her during our lunch time now :)

but I'm going to slow it down, since she already has a girlfriend and they seem so happy. I feel guilty for liking her

[Monsoon]

9 hours ago, Jaylen said:

I get to meet her during our lunch time now :)

but I'm going to slow it down, since she already has a girlfriend and they seem so happy. I feel guilty for liking her

Hey there,

I'm glad you get to meet her during your lunch time now! How is it going?

I saw what you said about feeling guilty, and I'm wondering, at this point,  what are you hoping to get out of knowing her? Would you like to be in a relationship with her or just stay friends? 

[Jaylen]

53 minutes ago, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

I'm glad you get to meet her during your lunch time now! How is it going?

I saw what you said about feeling guilty, and I'm wondering, at this point,  what are you hoping to get out of knowing her? Would you like to be in a relationship with her or just stay friends? 

I would love to be in a relationship with her. But not right now, I want to be her friend and get to know her more. And see where that takes us. You know, see if we are a match or not. 

Coz in the beginning I might like her but what if I don't like what she does later?

I'm just going to let it flow 

 

[TheOriginalAxel]

1 minute ago, Jaylen said:

I would love to be in a relationship with her. But not right now, I want to be her friend and get to know her more. And see where that takes us. You know, see if we are a match or not. 

Coz in the beginning I might like her but what if I don't like what she does later?

I'm just going to let it flow 

That is actually a good Idea because that is what I did.

[Monsoon]

10 hours ago, Jaylen said:

I would love to be in a relationship with her. But not right now, I want to be her friend and get to know her more. And see where that takes us. You know, see if we are a match or not. 

Coz in the beginning I might like her but what if I don't like what she does later?

I'm just going to let it flow 

Hey there,

Yeah, I get what you mean. How do you think she feels about you? Do you think she sees you as a friend or something more? 

[Jaylen]

14 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

Yeah, I get what you mean. How do you think she feels about you? Do you think she sees you as a friend or something more? 

I don't think she even sees me as a friend. I'm more like an acquaintance to her. T^T