I'm still in love with a old high school ex (never got closure to express how i genuinely feel)

[LUCKY]

During high school we ended up dating despite her being the girl every would never approach and never expected much...

We ended up all or each other as I would like to believe and time went by, btw she was a grade below me hence i went to varsity

during the month of valentines day of my first year, I get a call from my friend who said that she was cheating on me at my high of which we bother went to as she was still there during my first year

She apparently kissed a guy and i spoke to her about it and she blamed me not for trust her but she never denied or confirmed this and I was still in the dark as the source wasn't trust worth(I was always a target of bullying in every aspect until i crawled up and got braver, more confident and started gliding over such)

During that Year i was a mess.....tried moving on as our chats were argument after argument and we ended up not speaking through the year, till we did and tried coming together.....keep in mind I've never slept with her buthad moments we attempted but she wasn't ready, even if she want me to be her first when we got contact of eachother again and i already wasn't a virgin  by beginning of our relationship

During the phase of me moving on and trying, i dated and slept with maybe two girls....and she asked if i slept with anyone during the phase of us no longer speaking throughout that  entire year and i told he the truth and it crushed her even though i tried explaining.

after that we keep arguing and things became good but worse and worse each every time till she lost her phone or blocked.

my point: I Really love and think about, and want just maybe on single outing or date with he for closure.. so i can speak to her in person and at least express my feeling to her as i feel like she's the one even though i am in a stable relationship.......she block on Instagram 

She really tore me down but i still love and miss her and, don't know what to do.... I gave her my all but all i want is to express my feelings to her.....at least to get closure and for her to just know what she means to me but i cant get contact of her

Edited December 12, 2021 by Monsoon
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[Monsoon]

Hey @LUCKY

Thank you for sharing what happened with your ex and how you're feeling. First of all , I just want to say I'm sorry to hear this happened to you. It can be an awful feeling when there are suspicions of cheating, especially when the person neither confirms nor denies. Secondly, to then not have that closure can be really tricky to navigate. As people, we naturally find it helpful to express our feelings, and when we don't feel that sense of closure from such an emotional period, it can leave us feeling a little lost. What do you think?

I think that the fact you haven't heard from her shows that she is trying to put a boundary in place where there is no contact, and as hurtful as that may be for you, it's really important to respect that. What are your thoughts on this? 

[LUCKY]

I've moved on, though its a question that has been on my mind 

since that day

memories never fade and sometimes pop up in thought, hence I needed an answer so I can never have that thought

and also receive that closure in another form, which is advice.

thank you

[Monsoon]

Hey there,

I'm glad to hear that you moved on, but yeah, I totally get what you're saying about how those memories never fade and sometimes, questions pop up that you would like answering. 

I'm wondering, do you think there's something else you could do to maybe process the need for closure? 

[LUCKY]

You kind of gave me an answer I needed, I'll always have a spot for her in my heart. Maybe one day i'll get to see her happy as she was suicidal at some point which added to my worry and breakdowns crying through poetry.

I am going to respect the boundaries she set as im probably maybe a depressing memory to her but either way, I've got things that keep me busy.

It was something i needed to talk about from long ago in my past.

I want her to know that I still love and care for her more than anything, honestly got to the point where i actually want to live for her, even though its unfair to my current who i genuinely love  but my heart does get torn between the past and present.

I'm simply venting

[Monsoon]

23 hours ago, LUCKY said:

You kind of gave me an answer I needed, I'll always have a spot for her in my heart. Maybe one day i'll get to see her happy as she was suicidal at some point which added to my worry and breakdowns crying through poetry.

I am going to respect the boundaries she set as im probably maybe a depressing memory to her but either way, I've got things that keep me busy.

It was something i needed to talk about from long ago in my past.

I want her to know that I still love and care for her more than anything, honestly got to the point where i actually want to live for her, even though its unfair to my current who i genuinely love  but my heart does get torn between the past and present.

I'm simply venting

Hey there,

I'm happy to hear you kind of got an answer you needed here; what was that out of curiosity? 

I'm glad that you're venting - it's really good to get that out. How do you feel about the way that she left things?