Gender and my family

[Chase]

So I am just going to vent but I ask that I please have a reply.

so I am a closeted trans ftm gay asexual and I came out as asexual to my mom on the 11th of October and she said that I was too young to know. My mom has said that she would always support me ; but she has tried to force me to come out as trans or anything other than female 4 times. My dad has said that homosexuals have ruined  the word gay. Today he stated calling my cousin who is mtf by male pronouns and her dead name and said that she could just be experimenting and that she is not a girl. He also said that Harry styles looks stupid because he is wearing feminine clothing on the cover of vogue. I was clean for like two weeks but whenever my depression start and I get really said I just start cutting. I write bitch on myself almost everyday. I write my preferred name, chase on the bottom of my foot in sharpie just to remind myself of who I am.  I also have a very feminine face and I hate it. I have asked my mom if I could cut my hair but she said that I will regret it and tried to force me to come out again. I have heard my brother talking bad about his non Bianary friend who goes by a different name and says that he does not understand why they go by that. Also I is hard for me to come out because I feel like now that it is more acceptable to come out as something it has become a trend of some sort or something. Because there are so many people at my school who go be she/they just do they can say that they are part of the community. I am in Girl Scouts which I hate and just don’t talk to anyone in because they are all going by either she/he, she/they, they/them or they are lesbian or bisexual. I really don’t know what to do and would appreciate if anyone could respond.

[Monsoon]

Hello @Chase

Welcome to our community. It sounds like you're quite overwhelmed at the moment, and I'm really glad that you've opened up to us here. How does it feel letting all of that out? I wanted to check because it can feel quite good and therapeutic to offload to someone. 

I can imagine that it was really upsetting for you to hear that your mom said you're too young. I think that many parents can respond in this way which can be really hurtful. I do think it often comes from a place of love and protection, and going forward, the only thing you can do really is to show her that you're sure by continuing to live your truth now that you've come out to her about your sexuality. What do you think?

[Chase]

@MonsoonShe thinks that I am trying to give myself a label. I also don’t want to come out as trans right now simply because I don’t know if I’m ready myself and the fact that my parent argue all the time. I don’t know if it would effect our family any more because I think my dad is homo and transphobic and I’m not sure about my mom. I also don’t want to come out because I don’t know if they would also start questioning my religious beliefs. I don’t really want them to because I have known that I don’t believe in god since I first went to church and I have had to pretend to my whole life through prayers and summer bible school. And now I feel bad about the situation because i had to go to my grandfathers funeral in July with my Christian family And we all had to prey except the fact that I can’t to something I don’t believe in. I just home he is calm but I really don’t know how I will tell them or if I ever will. But I know that my dad would not understand that you can be asexual or trans because even though he does not know I’m ace he still will make me watch movies that shows someone’s butt. And my brother has questioned why that makes me so uncomfortable to watch.

I do have a therapist but she is there for my families fighting and it is really hard to go to her and have her ask questions that I can’t answer because they are huge secrets. I also would probably tell more to a male therapist but I can’t ask anyone for that. The only time I am probably happy now is I pass the gay couples house who live down the street because it remind me that you can be happy when you grow up. Or at 10:30 to 1 in the morning when I am watching gay shit on the iPad that is in my room. 

one thing about my family is that they are really strict with electronics but only with me so all of my family has electronics, my brother who is 20 months older than me has a computer, phone, and a switch but I have nothing. My brother and I got an iPad for Christmas but it kinda turned into my moms but I found a way to get her to charge it in my room. So I have a really bad sleep schedule so I can keep myself sane in my own mess.

I think the problem about being trans to my dad is that he wants some thin “sexy” daughter or some shit because he takes screenshots on his phone of women in bikinis. And he is also kinda an alcoholic. But my mom is a self-centered bitch who wants what she wants when she wants it or she starts screaming.

I was thinking about asking again to cut my hair but I know if I do my brother and mom are going to try and force me to come out again.

my saying to survive in this bitchy family is you get what you get and you don’t throw a fit.

honestly I’m going to stop talking now and sorry this was so long.

if you read the whole thing thanks for reading about my bitchy life

[Lillyx]

hugs see Monsoon is supporting you so Won't interfere sending hugs

[Chase]

@Lillyrose4 thank you

[Lillyx]

2 minutes ago, Chase said:

@Lillyrose4 thank you

no worries if you ever wna talk im here

[Emberfrost12]

Im also sending you lots of hugs

[Monsoon]

14 hours ago, Chase said:

@MonsoonShe thinks that I am trying to give myself a label. I also don’t want to come out as trans right now simply because I don’t know if I’m ready myself and the fact that my parent argue all the time. I don’t know if it would effect our family any more because I think my dad is homo and transphobic and I’m not sure about my mom. I also don’t want to come out because I don’t know if they would also start questioning my religious beliefs. I don’t really want them to because I have known that I don’t believe in god since I first went to church and I have had to pretend to my whole life through prayers and summer bible school. And now I feel bad about the situation because i had to go to my grandfathers funeral in July with my Christian family And we all had to prey except the fact that I can’t to something I don’t believe in. I just home he is calm but I really don’t know how I will tell them or if I ever will. But I know that my dad would not understand that you can be asexual or trans because even though he does not know I’m ace he still will make me watch movies that shows someone’s butt. And my brother has questioned why that makes me so uncomfortable to watch.

I do have a therapist but she is there for my families fighting and it is really hard to go to her and have her ask questions that I can’t answer because they are huge secrets. I also would probably tell more to a male therapist but I can’t ask anyone for that. The only time I am probably happy now is I pass the gay couples house who live down the street because it remind me that you can be happy when you grow up. Or at 10:30 to 1 in the morning when I am watching gay shit on the iPad that is in my room. 

one thing about my family is that they are really strict with electronics but only with me so all of my family has electronics, my brother who is 20 months older than me has a computer, phone, and a switch but I have nothing. My brother and I got an iPad for Christmas but it kinda turned into my moms but I found a way to get her to charge it in my room. So I have a really bad sleep schedule so I can keep myself sane in my own mess.

I think the problem about being trans to my dad is that he wants some thin “sexy” daughter or some shit because he takes screenshots on his phone of women in bikinis. And he is also kinda an alcoholic. But my mom is a self-centered bitch who wants what she wants when she wants it or she starts screaming.

I was thinking about asking again to cut my hair but I know if I do my brother and mom are going to try and force me to come out again.

my saying to survive in this bitchy family is you get what you get and you don’t throw a fit.

honestly I’m going to stop talking now and sorry this was so long.

if you read the whole thing thanks for reading about my bitchy life

Hey @Chase

Thank you for telling me more about how things are for you right now. It sounds like you're carrying a lot of frustration and stress at the moment, and I'm really glad that you're opening up to us here. From what I've read so far, it does sound like there's a lot going on, and I'm wondering, for you, what is the biggest issue? I think that it can be good to identify what's troubling you the most and speak about that first. Let me know.

Also, it sounds like things are really tricky with your dad at the moment. Can you tell me more about how your relationship is with him at the moment? 

[Chase]

@Monsoon Sorry I have not replied, I lost the website but I just got an email from the website. About my dad, yeah he is most of the time never home and I don't really like to interact too much with him.  He is an alcoholic that is one reason and he overall does not care too much about other peoples feelings.  I mean my parents fighting has probably been worse but I have learned to ignore it. I think the biggest problem is that everyone at my school is coming out and even the girls are getting to cut their hair really short. But I am not allowed to cut my hair because my mom says it looks too masculine and my hair is like really long like maybe a foot and a half to two feet. Its just the thing that everyone calls me my the name that makes me feel uncomfortable and everyone thinks that if someone has not come out yet that they are never going to. I don't really have a wonderful relationship with my mother as well though. Another issue for me is clothing, I love the holidays but I dread seeing my extended-family even though I trust some of them more than mine. The only reason I don't like holiday parties is because I have to wear a fancy shirt that shows my breasts or I have to wear a skirt or a dress. Also I know I probably have at least ADD but my mom is like being really obvious in every way except saying it that she is like asking my teachers to look at me during class and she wants to see if I have ADHD.  I also have a therapist that I see every week but I'm going every two weeks in the new year that I have to go to. I can trick people into thinking they have the full answer of things though. so I can open up about my parents and keep my feelings at the surface and she will think that I'm telling everything there is to tell. The only reason I don't tell her anything is because I don't know how much she will tell my mom and my mom wants to know everything. also my mom is now asking her to quiz me on signs of ADHD. Right now the only people I trust I almost never see or I have never seen in my life. What I mean by never is that my trans cousin I don't know what happened but she still talks a little with my aunt and uncle but she never comes to family gatherings. Anyway If you read this far thank you for listening again.

[Monsoon]

Hey @Chase

Thank you for getting back to me :)

I think that it can be really tricky when we can’t do something that helps us to express ourselves, like cutting our hair for example. When we are younger,  we start to try on different identities in a way to see what fits, and if we can’t do that, it can make us feel a little boxed in; what do you think?
 

I’m just thinking back to what you said about how you have to wear a shirt at family gatherings that shows your breasts; how come you have to wear that? Also, I noticed what you said about ADHD and how your teacher is watching you as well as your mom asking questions. How does that make you feel? Do you think you have ADHD?

 

[Chase]

@Monsoon About the family gatherings, I have to wear feminine clothing because I don't have much of a choice of what I wear. If I try to argue about what im wearing then my mom will just start to question me and put me on the spot and I just don't want her to know yet. 

and about the ADHD, I think I have ADD at least the problem is that my mom needs to know like every single thing and she asks my therapist who I have for family problems and makes her ask me questions and put me on the spot and she also asks my Civics teacher because history was my least favorite subject.

About my therapist I think the reason I don't tell her is because I don't know how much she will tell my mom and I know right now im more comfortable talking to males than females. That is also a problem because I don't really have a male figure in my life that I can talk to.

And about your first question, about expressing myself I think that is a big thing because whenever I go to a family gathering I feel very uncomfortable even though there are people there that I feel completely comfortable around it is just the way I have to go and the way I am being presented there.

I think another thing is that I never realized anything until a few months ago even though I always have been uncomfortable. It is only until I stated researching asexuality in January or February this year that I found out about the lgbtq+ community or at least understood it. I think what is the most discomforting thing is that I feel like I have two personalities, one for when I am around people, and one for when im alone.

I think that im kind of scared of being able to express myself to be honest, I just feel like I would be just be overwhelmed. I feel like I've trapped myself In a bubble and having depression has not helped.

 

anyways Happy Holidays :)

[Monsoon]

Hey there,

It sounds like you're really in the spotlight when it comes to your mom; I'm wondering, what do you think she is thinking and feeling? Why might she behave like this?

I'm wondering, do you want to write a letter that tells your mom or therapist exactly how you feel, but post it here instead? It might be good to get all of those feelings out, because when they are released ,we usually feel much better. What do you think? 

[Chase]

HI @Monsoon ,

I think that my mom partially knows that I am not a girl but I don't really think she wants to accept it an she wants a daughter. Today my brother and my mom were telling me how I should wear my hair down because I wear it in a ponytail all the time because I don't like it. Well anyway I am happy that my mom cut like 6 inches off of my hair but it still really long.

About writing a letter,  I don't really like to say my feelings out loud to anyone. This page is the first place that I have really said anything about my life and in general i like to keep my feelings to myself becasue I have never really opened up before now about myself.

Also I have now come to the conclusion that my father is homophobic because we were watching he new years eve celebration on television and a gay couple kissed and he started talking about how they should not do that in public because some people are not okay with it.

I dont really want to come out for a little while just because i dont know how everyone will react but I know that my brother is not homophobic (I dont know how he will react though) and my two good friends are not homophobic. I also dont want to come out because i know it will be the final thing to break my family apart.

The only thing right now that is really keeping me happy is watching whatever is not blocked on my school Chromebook. and I have a few comfort streamers and youtubers. I dont have like any electronic privileges even though I share an Ipad with my brother i cant use it and am not even allowed to use / touch any electronics unless it is for school.  The main reason for that is that my family does not trust me but they try to make it seem like it is because im not old enough or something but my brother has a computer, nintendo switch, and phone. and he is got them when he was a year younger than I am now.

about the last thing the only thing i asked for for Christmas was to download minecraft on my brother and my ipad and i would pay for it but instead i got a bicycle, guitar, and a chair and lots of other random things and i do not have permission to download minecraft. 

I am also trying to cheer myself up more because now there are only two people that I feel completely comfortable around and they are both from the school that I am leaving this year (one is a teacher that i dont have anymore, the other is the librarian). One of the ones that I no longer feel completely comfortable around is my trans cousin but she is not making good decisions right now and the other is my uncle who is not doing great mentally and my aunt just moved back to Italy, where she grew up because he is not acting himself.  I am still comfortable around him but i just hope that he gets help.

anyway thanks for listening again, and i hope you enjoyed the holidays!

[Monsoon]

Hey there,

Yeah, I think that it can be tough for a lot of people to talk about their feelings, and I'm glad that you have found our community so you can talk with us. How are you finding it talking openly about what's going on for you?

It's interesting that your mom may partially know about your gender identity. Can you tell me a little bit more about why you think she might partially know? Also, I saw that you mentioned how coming out will be the final thing to break your family apart. I'm wondering, why do you feel it will break them apart? Could they be supportive? 

[Chase]

Hi @Monsoon,

I feel like it is good to be talking about my feelings but at times it is also stressful because over time I have built sort of a protective barrier around myself so i keep most things to myself and dont tell other poeple about how im feeling.

About my mom, throughout the past few months, since about august, she has questioned me about my gender about 6 times while putting me on the spot. While other times she asks me why I dont like to wear feminine things or wear my hair down. It started in august because i mentioned to my brother that I dont like long hair and he went ahead, told my mom, and then both of them started questioning me and I had to just keep denying it because they would not stop the subject. basically the only times anyone has asked about it it was like they were trying to force me to tell them.

About my family, my parents have fought for forever and they always talk about how they are trying to work on it but it just gets worse, i feel like that if i were to come out then my dad would not be happy and my mom would be more fine about it and they would have another thing that they disagree on.

They probably could be more supportive but im not really sure if I want that. I dont really have a great connection with either of them, my mom has anger issues and my dad drinks to much and works all the time. Because I have not really had much of any parental figures in my life I feel like it would be too strange for me and I would just feel more uncomfortable. I just dont really want my parents to be a role model in my life and I prefer to be independent..

[Monsoon]

Hey there,

Thank you for explaining that to me. It does sound like your mom has an idea about your gender with asking you so much. I'm wondering, if you did tell her, how do you think it would go down? I think it sounds like she wants to help you and if she had negative views, I think she would have told you that by now. What do you think? 

Also, with your parents, it's interesting that you don't want them to be role models and that you prefer the independence; I totally get the independence, and I'm wondering, what would it mean for you to have a parental figure in your life? What would be different?

[Chase]

Hi @Monsoon,

I have not told my mom about my gender, she started questioning me after i mentioned wanting short hair.  I think that she would definitely be more accepting than my dad but I don't think that she is 100% accepting of the LGBT+ community.  She has said things against people in the community before (not that bad) but she also seemed accepting that we had a gay couple moving onto our block. but every time she talks about them or anyone in the LGBT+ community it is like she is trying to make sure that we know they are gay or trans or whatever it is.

My mom just really needs to know everything such as going through my brothers messages. She also does not really trust my brother and I so he has to put his phone in the kitchen overnight and I am not allowed access to electronics other than for school. 

I think at this point I have already been forced to grow up fast it would just be weird and different for me. I think if i did have a parental figure then I would be able to enjoy life more. I think it is just that because I have never one I just don't want to because I already have grown up and I have accepted that I did and do not have a great childhood and try to focus on growing up.

I think part of growing up is because I have to stay up late without my mom knowing if I even want access to the internet. I also have to lie to her about a lot if I don't want to lose any more things even though I don't really have anything to lose at this point.