Coming out?

[Monsoon]

Hey there,

It's nice to hear from you again. I'm glad you told your friend and that it went well. It's interesting that you felt really anxious afterwards; why do you think that is? What kinds of thoughts were you having around this time? 

[asdfggg]

I am not really sure.I guess it must have been the shock from telling him and the realization that I have shared something that I have kept with me for about 5 years with a close friend.Or the fact that I have commited on sharing this part of myself,despite still having doubts about it.I thought about this moment countless times in my head so actually experiencing felt a bit surreal and scary.Even after telling him I replayed the situation in my head for hours,trying to realize the permanence of it.

It has been half a day and I have calmed down a bit,right now I feel like I made the right decision,although I think only time will tell.I feel more relieved than before,but I still don't know how much information I should reveal to him.I guess I am just glad it all worked out in the end!

[Monsoon]

Hey there,

Yeah, I think when someone shares this kind of news, there can often be an expectation that it will go wrong once they've told someone else, so there might also be that element as well. I think that you've definitely taken a big step, and there's nothing wrong with taking some time to plan what you might do next. I really am so glad it went well telling him and it's great you feel more relieved than before :) 

What do you think might happen if you share more information?

[asdfggg]

Ι guess I am afraid of oversharing information.I don't know if I should talk to him about things like self-hαrm or depressing thoughts,that I am having.I don't want to worry him.He is my friend so I don't want to trouble him or be a burden,I am sure he has got his own things to deal with,so I am reluctant to confront him about such depressing thematology.

[Monsoon]

Hey there,

It's really common to feel like you're a burden by talking about your mental health, and I think it's always good to think about it in reverse; if he was struggling with depressing thoughts and self-harm and opened up to you, would you feel like he was a burden? 

[asdfggg]

Ι don't think so,but you can never be sure.

We talked a bit further on Monday.I explained to him what gender dysphoria is,how I perceived it and my ideology on the subject.He said that he fully supports me,which is awesome,although I couldn't bring myself to tell him about the self hαrm or about crossdressing.I tried,but the words wouldn't come out of my mouth,which was weird considering that I think I am good at public speaking.Generally,I was really anxious when I was talking to him,I stumbled over my words,made long pauses and couldn't eloquently explain to him what was going on,but I think he got it.

[Monsoon]

Hey there,

I'm glad to hear he fully supports you; how did it feel to hear that from him? It can be so hard to open up because it means we have to be emotionally vulnerable, and I can imagine that it was a positive and uplifting experience for you to hear that from him :) 

Also, it's okay that you didn't tell him about the other stuff. Remember, there's no rush, and you can go at your own pace with this. 

[asdfggg]

It felt good knowing that he accepts me and from what I've noticed his behaviour hasn't changed towards me in public.To be honest I don't know what to do next,I still experience dysphoria especially this couple days,which are close to the  the Anniversarry of the Greek Revolution.

I guess when I think about the bravery and pride of all this heroes that sacrificed themselves for freedom,I am wondering what would they think if they saw me like this.They paid my freedom with their lives and I am repaying them by dishonoring them.I often think about some dead people,like some relatives or characters from literature and historic figures,that I was aspired by, and ask myself that same question.It is like a way to measure my actions,for me.I know it is a weird thing to do,but I felt like sharing it.

[Monsoon]

Hey there,

It's interesting that you mentioned how they sacrificed themselves for freedom, and I'm wondering, what does freedom in your life look like? 

[asdfggg]

That's actually a really interesting question,that I've thought about extensevely,especially in the last few days.I guess it depends on how you define freedom.There are a lot of perspectives.

Firstly,Freedom is a big part of Greece's history,especially in the Revolution.I mean the main phrase that revolutionaries used was ''Ελευθερία ή Θάνατος''(Freedom or Death).It is even embeded on the Greek flag:every stripe represents a syllabel of this phrase.To them freedom was to not be controlled by the Turks even if that meant dyιng in the process.To them no price was too big in exchange for freedom,they would kιll for it and gladly dιe for it.So by that description,freedom is when you are not being controlled by someone and you should do everything to achieve it.Even if it means sacrificing yourself or others.

One other interesting theory,for me,comes from the quote that is carved on the tombstone of Nikos Kazantzakis,a well respected writer (my personal favourite) with a lot of famous works like ''Zorba the Greek'' and ''Christ Recrucified''.On it it says ''I hope for nothing,I am afraid of nothing,I am free'' (''Δεν ελπίζω τίποτα ,Δε φοβούμε τίποτα ,Είμαι 'λεύθερος'').There are a lot of interpertations on what is the actual meaning.For me,it means that true freedom only comes when you are deαd,because when you are alive you are bound by your fears  and ambitions that are waying you down so true freedom cannot be achieved.I guess fear and ambition is what makes us alive don't you think?Another quote in Kazantzakis' book that peaks my interest is when Zorba(A character based on a real person on Kazantzakis' book 'Zorba the Greek')  writes a letter to Kazantzakis.On it he states:{...}''I think that human is a being that seeks freedom''.So,by that definition freedom is what motivates humans: a common goal that everyone wants to achieve!If you think about it,every action that you take is based on if it helps you achieve freedom.Moreover yet another statement of Zorba,in Kazantzakis' book that I relate to is this:''I too have a demon inside me and I've named him Zorba.The Zorba inside hasn't aged{...},but the one on the outside has.{...}.What should I do boss?How much longer will the two Zorba fight,who will win in the end?If I dιe shortly,then I don't care,but if I live much longer I will be done for,because there will come a day where I humiliate myself.I will lose my freedom{...}If I could execute the things my inside self demands,people will question me''.I think this passages summarises a bit how I am feeling,which is really fascinating,considering that the book was written in 1941.

Lastly,there is a relegious approach to freedom.Although I do not consider myself relegious,it would be short-minded of me not to include a relegious perspective.According to Orthodox Christianity,God has made humans free,by giving them a soul,unlike all the other animals.Free to roam the land and seas,free to conquer them and take whatever they want from it.According to Christianity,people are free to choose if they want to follow God or not.They have the choice to act good or bad.Which means that by being alive,you are free.But I don't fully agree.(I am sorry if this explanation is inaccurate,if you have any objections please tell me.)

I guess the dysphoria I have been experiencing made me question what freedom is.I didn't ask to be born.I wasn't free to choose my gender or choose the way I feel and I am not free to change it.No matter how hard I try,my DNA won't change it's chromosomes from XY to XX.I know that HRT can bring you to a hormonal level of a normal female,but you will never,truly,be a Biological Female.There are some things in life that,no matter how hard you try,you cannot achieve,things you do not have the freedom to control.Yet I believe there is always a choice to be made,I haven't had the choice to be born,but I have the choice to keep living,only death is certain.

Sorry if the reply is a bit long,I am fascinated by concepts like freedom and want to hear your take on it too!

[Monsoon]

Hey,

Thank you for such a deep and thought-provoking reply. I am interested in what you said about how freedom is when you are not being controlled by someone and you should do everything to achieve it. I think that in society, people often feel controlled by the expectations that surround certain identities, like what it means to be a man, or a woman, social roles, that kind of thing, and also the notion that some people may have whereby they feel you have to have male anatomy to be a 'man', or female biology to be a 'woman'. For me, freedom is breaking away from those expectations/definitions in society and finding the bravery in yourself to be who you are regardless of how other people may define and judge you. What do you think? 

[Randomgirl.]

On 3/13/2022 at 10:17 PM, Monsoon said:

Hey,

Okay, so the discomfort is around how her parents feel, thinking that it's wrong; is that right? How do you think your parents would react?

I know they would accept and support me and I’m so grateful that I have parents who are so understanding. But I guess what she said just woke me up to how other people will feel and judge and I can’t do anything about it. Also I’ve felt a little uncomfortable at her house since. Her parents don’t know of course, and are always so nice to me. But I can’t help wondering would they still be so welcoming if they did know.

[Monsoon]

7 hours ago, Randomgirl. said:

I know they would accept and support me and I’m so grateful that I have parents who are so understanding. But I guess what she said just woke me up to how other people will feel and judge and I can’t do anything about it. Also I’ve felt a little uncomfortable at her house since. Her parents don’t know of course, and are always so nice to me. But I can’t help wondering would they still be so welcoming if they did know.

Hey there,

If they did find out and start treating you negatively, how do you think that would make you feel? 

[Randomgirl.]

On 3/30/2022 at 10:00 PM, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

If they did find out and start treating you negatively, how do you think that would make you feel? 

Not great I guess

[Monsoon]

13 hours ago, Randomgirl. said:

Not great I guess

Yeah, I totally get that; having someone react negatively to your own identity is pretty upsetting. I'm wondering though, do they ever have to know? Even if they do, you don't have to spend that much time with them, right? 

[asdfggg]

Hey,there it's been a while!

Sorry for not answering for a while.After sending you the last message in March,I lost my motivation to write and draw.I was also very lethargic and spend most of my free time sleeping.Eventually,a month ago, I built up the courage to ask my mother to take me to a psychologist,which was a big step for me,although I haven't told her anything about the dysphoria.I've talked to the therapist about these feelings I am having and I am trying to figure things out.

I wanted to thank you for everything you've done for me throught these months!Looking back on some messages I can't believe that I actually came out to my friend and talked to a psychologist about my gender identity.I coudln't have imagined,a year back,that I would act upon those feelings and it's all thanks to you :)

Anyways,how have you been?

[Monsoon]

20 hours ago, asdfggg said:

Hey,there it's been a while!

Sorry for not answering for a while.After sending you the last message in March,I lost my motivation to write and draw.I was also very lethargic and spend most of my free time sleeping.Eventually,a month ago, I built up the courage to ask my mother to take me to a psychologist,which was a big step for me,although I haven't told her anything about the dysphoria.I've talked to the therapist about these feelings I am having and I am trying to figure things out.

I wanted to thank you for everything you've done for me throught these months!Looking back on some messages I can't believe that I actually came out to my friend and talked to a psychologist about my gender identity.I coudln't have imagined,a year back,that I would act upon those feelings and it's all thanks to you :)

Anyways,how have you been?

Hey there,

I have been good, thank you for asking. It sounds like you've taken a lot of big steps and you should be proud of yourself :)

What do you think helped you to take those steps? 

[asdfggg]

To be honest,that wasn't my intention,my orignal plan was to go after I graduated.My mother kind of suggested that I could go to a psychologist if I wanted to,so I took the chance she offered me.

[Monsoon]

3 hours ago, asdfggg said:

To be honest,that wasn't my intention,my orignal plan was to go after I graduated.My mother kind of suggested that I could go to a psychologist if I wanted to,so I took the chance she offered me.

Hey,

Fair enough! I'm really glad you're doing better; it's always nice to get updates from people who we've supported in the past. Would you like support with anything else at the moment from us? 

[asdfggg]

No I am okay for now,just wanted to inform you!

[Monsoon]

16 hours ago, asdfggg said:

No I am okay for now,just wanted to inform you!

Thanks for that! Although I said it before, it is always lovely to hear updates from people we've supported before. Good luck with everything.