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Coming out?


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Ηi!

It depends on the day.Most days,when I look at a girl I imagine myself in her shoes,thinking about what life would be as the opposite gender,but there are days where these feelings are not that dominant.Generally I believe that I am in control of my emotions and do not let them cloud my logic and my judgement so I don't really have a gut feeling since my main ''tool'' for making decisions is logic.When I am making a decision I try to have an unbiased point of view and I do not let my emotions get in the way,making it difficult for me to say If I truly want to transition or if it is just a phase.

Concerning what the healthiest option is;I can't,again, say for sure.In order to decide what is healthiest for me I must first know the long-term results of my decision and how it will affect my life.Also I cannot predict how my inner circle will react or even if I would even be satisfied with that decision,causing me to overthink it.It has been about 4 years since I first had these thoughts,yet I still can't seem to find an asnwer.

Right now I am at a deadlock where I can either take a leap of faith to confront those feelings or I can stay the way that I am and hope that these feelings won't eat me up.

I know it is not the answer you were expecting,but I hope you find this useful!

 

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  • Digital Mentor

Hey there,

That is a really useful answer, and from your message beforehand, I did kind of get the sense that you’re unsure of which direction to take next. I think it’s perfectly okay and understandable to be in your current situation, and it’s really helpful to acknowledge that and recognise that you need some time to process how you’re feeling so you can then work out what to do next. I do have one thing to say though, I know that it can be easy to get caught up in what other people might think, but it’s really important to do what’s right for you, not others. What do you think?

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I understand what you are saying,but your soical enviroment is directly linked to your mental health.So by completely ignoring how you are being percieved by others you are destined to be socialy isolated.I do not care about everyones opinion,only from the people that I respect,so if I let them down by admiting to such a big secret I believe that it will take a toll on my mental health.I do not know if I can deal with the weird looks and everyone close to me knowing that humiliating fact about myself.Society runs on presenting a healthy and good self-image so  having such a huge flaw open to the public makes you seem vulnerable and unstable.

I believe that it is in the human nature to discriminate and hate what is different,especially what they cannot understand.We have seen it throughout history and we are seeing it today:With all these conspiracy theories about the virus and the vaccine,the discrimination towards new technologies.Thousands of kids die everyday from preventable diseases  because their parents refuse to believe in something they cannot comprehent.So even the most open-minded people will still inadvertenly put labels on you,even if they don't outright discriminate you.

Therefore what people are thinking of you,at least the ones close to you,will affect your life.As a  consequence when making such a life-changing decision ,wouldn't it be wise to consider what the public view is on such matter?

What do you think?I am looking forward to reading your response!

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  • Digital Mentor

Hey there,

Yeah, I totally get what you are saying around caring about the opinions of those that you respect, and you're absolutely right, if they don't respond well, it might take its toll on your wellbeing. I think the point I'm trying to make is that it's about accepting that some people may think of you like that, but also recognising that that's their problem, not yours. It can take time to get to that place, and it is hard to work through, and I have experience of that, but the good thing is that being open about who you are is really empowering and the positives of that often outweigh the negatives; what do you think? 

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How can I be sure that this is the case and that my life and my dreams won't completely go to shit?Moreover,how can I know that these feelings are permanent and won't go away after a few years?Because if they are not permanent then I humiliate myself,hurt my family,isolate myself from relatives and even have permanent changes to my body,all for nothing.

What is your opinion on this mater?

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  • Digital Mentor
17 hours ago, asdfggg said:

How can I be sure that this is the case and that my life and my dreams won't completely go to shit?Moreover,how can I know that these feelings are permanent and won't go away after a few years?Because if they are not permanent then I humiliate myself,hurt my family,isolate myself from relatives and even have permanent changes to my body,all for nothing.

What is your opinion on this mater?

Hey there,

I think there's that element of being in control of your own destiny, and how despite the challenges you may face along the way, that you can still put yourself in the driver's seat of achieving your dreams and living the life that you want. What do you think? Also, with the feelings, I guess it's hard to say if they are permanent or not, and I guess that you just have to trust your instinct really and take the route that feels right for you at this point. 

13 hours ago, the ghost said:

i dicided to just lrt it go

Hey there,

It's good to hear from you again. How are things now that you decided to let it go? 

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I guess,but achieving your dreams is hard enough as it,with a lot of people failing. So adding to that with such a huge amount of weight will almost make it impossible.The law of natural selection says that the strong may survive and I believe that translates into society;only the ''strong'' ones will be able to achieve their dreams(when I say ''strong'' I mean talented or hard-working and lucky).Therefore having such a huge flaw in your character will set you back a lot compared to other hardworking or talented people who have the same goals as you.

Moreover if I choose a route based on what I think I want now,then there is a chance I might regret it,people change.Yet if I dont make a decision in the next 2 or 3 years then It will become way harder to come out,since I would have way more people to confront and my social character would be,more or less solidified.

I guess I am afraid that one day I will wake up alone,with unacomplished dreams,a boring 9 to 5 job with no friends or family to care for me,while I see everyone around me succeed except me and realise what a huge mistake I've made,wishing that I could turn back time to revert it,but it would be too late then.At that point,what worth would my lιfe have?

What do you think?

 

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  • Digital Mentor
1 hour ago, asdfggg said:

I guess,but achieving your dreams is hard enough as it,with a lot of people failing. So adding to that with such a huge amount of weight will almost make it impossible.The law of natural selection says that the strong may survive and I believe that translates into society;only the ''strong'' ones will be able to achieve their dreams(when I say ''strong'' I mean talented or hard-working and lucky).Therefore having such a huge flaw in your character will set you back a lot compared to other hardworking or talented people who have the same goals as you.

Moreover if I choose a route based on what I think I want now,then there is a chance I might regret it,people change.Yet if I dont make a decision in the next 2 or 3 years then It will become way harder to come out,since I would have way more people to confront and my social character would be,more or less solidified.

I guess I am afraid that one day I will wake up alone,with unacomplished dreams,a boring 9 to 5 job with no friends or family to care for me,while I see everyone around me succeed except me and realise what a huge mistake I've made,wishing that I could turn back time to revert it,but it would be too late then.At that point,what worth would my lιfe have?

What do you think?

Hey there,

I think that everyone is strong in their own way, and that strength changes regularly. Sometimes, you may feel stronger than at other times, and that's okay. Even if you don't feel strong now, that can change. I'm wondering, how do you feel about your own strength? What is that like? 

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I would consider myself of normal stength.Thatmeans I have to work extra hard to compete in such a competitive enviroment especially if I want to fulfill my dreams.It isn't a secret that everyone is born unequal so some people have an advatage over me and some have a disadvatage over me when it comes to strength.

I agree that everyone can be ''strong'' in their own way but in a society there are specific strengths that are actually valued and encouraged,like inteligence.Therefore the more weaknesses you display to the public the more chances people have,to exploit them.That is why I am reluctant to go to a psychologist.

I mean the fact that I feel the need to talk to someone for such things is a sign of weakness,since most people don't need to talk to a trained professional in order to cope with their feelings or use such'' unconventional'' ways of dealing with them like sεlf-hαrm.So most people already have an advantage over me.

Yet,I believe that it no matter how many weaknesses someone has they can still succed as long as they keep them to themselves where nobody can exploit them.So that is what I am trying to do.

What do you thing?

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  • Digital Mentor

Hey there,

Normal strength is great and will help you through really hard times :)

I find it interesting what you said about being reluctant to go to a psychologist; I'm wondering, can you tell me more about why you're feeling that way at the moment? 

I think that it's a really common feeling to see yourself as weak when you feel the need to talk to someone else about our problems. We are conditioned to be completely independent a lot of the time, to the point where we may struggle to open up about what's going on for us. However, I think it's always better to go to others for help if you're unsure of where to go next, rather than struggling on your own. What do you think? 

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First of all,even if I wanted to talk to a psychologist,there is no-one that can help me with gender dysphoria near my area.Also even if I were to consult one I would still have to go through my parents but I don't want to worry them.Moreover I don't like relying on other people,especially when I am in a vulnerable position,since I don't know how they can use the information that I trust them with.

Generally,I think that struggling is a part of living.This means that everyone goes through their own shit,I am not the only one,yet the majority of people deal with their feelings on their own  just fine.Why can I not?Since most people don't have the need to share their feelings or have thoughts about changing their gender,why should I have a helping hand?

Struggling on your own can build your character up and make you resistant to even harder times,if you are strong enough or make you depressed and vulnerable if you are weak.That leads me to believe that opening up means that you were not strong enough to deal with your feelings on your own making you rely on someone else(who probably has their own demons to conquer).

What do you think?

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  • Digital Mentor

Hey there,

I get what you're saying about not wanting to rely on other people, especially when you're in a vulnerable position. I'm wondering, how do you think a psychologist might use the information that you share? What might they do with it? 

Also, yes, you're right, struggling is definitely part of living, and going through hard times can really help us to become more resilient and develop better coping strategies. I think that other people value going to a therapist/counsellor/psychologist because it helps to reduce their stress and makes it easier for them when they're going through a hard time. What do you think about that? My way of looking at it is that if you can make it easier for yourself, then why not? 

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Hi!

I know that there is a confidentiality between the client and the therapist that forbids the psychologist to reveal any sensitive information about the client.Yet I don't know how flexible this law can be.When my brother was visiting a therapist,who was a distant relative,he would share his progress with my aunt who would,in turn,inform my parents.After all my parents were the ones paying him.I don't know exactly what information he shared with my relatives or what he chose to withold from them but I don't want my parents to worry about me.

Moreover,concerning the topic of going to therapy,I view it as admiting defeat.I mean,if you can't even sort out your own problems,how can you possibly succeed in such a hostile and competitive enviroment that society charges you with.Getting help can be tempting because it is easy,but you don't get to develop as much or learn hardship.I like to think therapy as training wheels that help you learn to bike properly.But if you enter a race with training wheels,while everyone has gotten rid of them or never needed them in the first place,you are destined to lose.

What do you think?

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  • Digital Mentor
17 hours ago, asdfggg said:

Hi!

I know that there is a confidentiality between the client and the therapist that forbids the psychologist to reveal any sensitive information about the client.Yet I don't know how flexible this law can be.When my brother was visiting a therapist,who was a distant relative,he would share his progress with my aunt who would,in turn,inform my parents.After all my parents were the ones paying him.I don't know exactly what information he shared with my relatives or what he chose to withold from them but I don't want my parents to worry about me.

Moreover,concerning the topic of going to therapy,I view it as admiting defeat.I mean,if you can't even sort out your own problems,how can you possibly succeed in such a hostile and competitive enviroment that society charges you with.Getting help can be tempting because it is easy,but you don't get to develop as much or learn hardship.I like to think therapy as training wheels that help you learn to bike properly.But if you enter a race with training wheels,while everyone has gotten rid of them or never needed them in the first place,you are destined to lose.

What do you think?

Hey there,

I think that if there are concerns about the safety, then the psychologist has to tell others, but apart form that, everything that's discussed in the sessions will remain confidential. What do you think about that?

Also, I get why you feel going to therapy is a defeat. I think that a lot of people feel the same way, and in the same breath, going to therapy can be really transformative and help you develop more independence in dealing with issues that arise in your life. What are your thoughts? I guess my philosophy is that if you can make things easier for yourself, then why not! :) 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hey

Sorry that I have been inactive for a while,things have been a bit hectic with school,but at least it is over now.

I think that going to therapy is taking the easy way out.By not dealing with those emotion on your own and relying on someone else,you are setting yourself up for dissapointment,Since it is not certain that you will have the luxury to afford a therapist or,in general, have someone to support you.But if you work things out on your own then you learn to deal with hardship,making you a stronger and more independant person.

What do you think?

P.S.

I want to personally thank you for all the things you have done for me,I know it isn't easy being in your position and it can get tiresome a lot of the time,but the fact that you offered your help to a random person on the internet,means a lot to me.I want to wish you a Merry Christmas and I hope you have a wonderful time during the holidays!

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  • Digital Mentor
53 minutes ago, asdfggg said:

Hey

Sorry that I have been inactive for a while,things have been a bit hectic with school,but at least it is over now.

I think that going to therapy is taking the easy way out.By not dealing with those emotion on your own and relying on someone else,you are setting yourself up for dissapointment,Since it is not certain that you will have the luxury to afford a therapist or,in general, have someone to support you.But if you work things out on your own then you learn to deal with hardship,making you a stronger and more independant person.

What do you think?

P.S.

I want to personally thank you for all the things you have done for me,I know it isn't easy being in your position and it can get tiresome a lot of the time,but the fact that you offered your help to a random person on the internet,means a lot to me.I want to wish you a Merry Christmas and I hope you have a wonderful time during the holidays!

Hey! I'm Blondie, one of the support mentors. 🙂 I do understand your feelings regarding therapy but I have to say from personal experience I wouldn't describe it as an easy way out. A good therapist really challenges you and picks everything apart with you which can be hard work but extremely rewarding! 

They also give you strategies which help in moving forward. I get that it's not an affordable option for many but we're always here! 

Hope you have a great holiday season. 🎄

(And this never gets tiresome 🙂)

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  • Digital Mentor
3 minutes ago, asdfggg said:

Hey

I understand,but a normal person should be able to deal with these feelings on their own,without help.So why should I get special treatment?

I would never push anyone to have therapy as of course it's a personal choice  but I'm not sure any 'normal person' does deal with these things alone. A lot of people struggle with no help and some people manage okay. I think it's more about accepting self care and accepting that we are deserving of help and support if we need it. 

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Yeah,but most people don't need to talk to a therapist about their feelings.If I accept extra help or support it is like admiting that I do not have the power to deal with my own feelings.Which is something that most people are able to do,putting me at a huge disadvantage.

What do you think?

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  • Digital Mentor
3 hours ago, asdfggg said:

Yeah,but most people don't need to talk to a therapist about their feelings.If I accept extra help or support it is like admiting that I do not have the power to deal with my own feelings.Which is something that most people are able to do,putting me at a huge disadvantage.

What do you think?

We all have the power to deal with our own feelings but it's a natural thing to ask for outside opinions or guidance, especially if others have been through similar situations. For me, it's ultimately shared learning for the great er good. After all, I'm sure you would support a friend in some type of need if they asked you? It's one of the many ways we connect and empathise.

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I guess,but gender dysphoria is a really taboo subject that a lot of people misunderstand or deem it as pervertion.I can't know what will my family's or my friend's reactions be if I tell them that I struggle with such things,yet even if I did,they wouldn't know how to help me.Also I live in a community with not so many people,so news can travel really fast and I can't gurantee that the person that I seek help from won't tell others.Moreover,I think that it is not the wisest thing to let others see you in a vulnerable positions or know your weaknesses,since they can be easily exploited.

What do you think?

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  • Digital Mentor
59 minutes ago, asdfggg said:

I guess,but gender dysphoria is a really taboo subject that a lot of people misunderstand or deem it as pervertion.I can't know what will my family's or my friend's reactions be if I tell them that I struggle with such things,yet even if I did,they wouldn't know how to help me.Also I live in a community with not so many people,so news can travel really fast and I can't gurantee that the person that I seek help from won't tell others.Moreover,I think that it is not the wisest thing to let others see you in a vulnerable positions or know your weaknesses,since they can be easily exploited.

What do you think?

You're right, that a lot of people do not understand - it's one of the many reasons we are here so we can support people through their individual journeys.

Sadly, we have no control over other people's reactions but we do have the control over how we behave and react and ultimately you deserve to live a happy and fulfilling life as your truest self.

I also understand your point about smaller communities - one of the pieces of advice that we often give is to always prioritise your personal safety and security. So if coming out would leave you at risk in any way, we would suggest you wait until you are independent and living away from home.

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Ι don't think that I am in danger,but I don't know how accepting can people be.I don't know if it is worth it to ruin my reputation,my social life and my relationships with other people just for the chance of feeling relieved.I believe I am torn between two decisions.I can either stay the way I am,keep my relationships with other people and hope that I can learn to live with these feelings until they subside,or I can try to come out to my friends and close family and get professional help,shattering the social image that I have built for myself and hope that the word doesn't spread,which is a huge gamble.

Even if I move out of my house,which won't happen for 2 years,I would still be financially dependent to my parents,whom I have good relations with.Especially If I decide go through such an expensive process like transitioning,I would definately need their financial support.

What do you think?

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  • Digital Mentor
45 minutes ago, asdfggg said:

Ι don't think that I am in danger,but I don't know how accepting can people be.I don't know if it is worth it to ruin my reputation,my social life and my relationships with other people just for the chance of feeling relieved.I believe I am torn between two decisions.I can either stay the way I am,keep my relationships with other people and hope that I can learn to live with these feelings until they subside,or I can try to come out to my friends and close family and get professional help,shattering the social image that I have built for myself and hope that the word doesn't spread,which is a huge gamble.

Even if I move out of my house,which won't happen for 2 years,I would still be financially dependent to my parents,whom I have good relations with.Especially If I decide go through such an expensive process like transitioning,I would definately need their financial support.

What do you think?

I would take this time to investigate how you feel and how you identify. Whatever decision you eventually make, you will know that you thought long and hard about it.

If you think several years into the future - how do you imagine yourself identifying and living?

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