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Coming out?


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  • Digital Mentor
9 hours ago, asdfggg said:

Thank you for replying!

Of course it's a problem.These feelings have been weighing me down for about 4 years or maybe more,since, thinking about it,I think that I had experienced minor symptoms during adolesence.These feelings are not socialy acceptable nor ecouraged.These feelings will prevent me from having a relationship and kids in the future or being truthfull to my friends and my family.Moreover they will,at the very least,limit my career path,since even if I try my best,companies will always choose a normal hard-working person in order to appeal to the public.Also they are making me feel more and more depressed as time goes by,since these feelings are battling with the social image that I've built.

I do not always feel like this,but these emotions have caused problems, so far, in my mental health,my social image,my social relationships and deciding my career path.I mean ,if they weren't a problem,why would I talk about them?

Hey there,

Yeah, I totally get what you're saying about how the feelings have weighed you down. However, I guess I'm trying to think about the identity and the feelings/worries/anxieties you're having towards them as separate things. My perspective is that no-one's identity is a problem; we are all individual and special, and should be celebrated. It sounds like the problem you're having is thinking about how it might impact your life; what do you think? 

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I guess,but the way I see it is that this aspect of my character is a flaw that must be diminished as much as possible like anger or jealousy.The reason I see them as a flaw  is that,just like the flaws that were mentioned before,they keep me from having a helthy social life.Also I believe the main difference between a flaw and a genuine character trait is that flaws are generally parts of your personality that you would be better off not having,like this feelings.So why would celebrate an aspect of my life that is causing me so much pain?

Thank you for reading this!

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By the way I want to clarify something that I noticed just now.I do not have a problem with jealousy nor anger,I just mentioned them as common examples of normal human flaws.I am sorry for my bad phrasing.😅

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  • Digital Mentor

Hey there,

Thanks for explaining how you're thinking to me. I'm wondering, do you think there are people out there with gender dysphoria and people who transition that lead a healthy social life? Also, I'm curious to know, do you think that some individuals who have gone through the same difficulties now celebrate and value their identity? Let me know what you think. 

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Yes I believe there are trans people who have a normal life with healthy relationships and social lives!Yet,the problem is that there is a lot of luck involved in achieving that:

  • Your family must be supportive enough to help you
  • You need to have financial prosperity
  • Your social enviroment must be open-minded and accepting
  • Your career must favour the choices you make.(i.e. If you are a policeman then changing gender would be uncanny and definately impact your social life).

And even if you match all of the criteria,there is still a chance that you wont have a healthy social life.

I believe that most people that have experienced the same things as I,didnt come out.The reason I have this opinion is that Gender Dysphoria is a generally a new term that came to light around the 20th century.But the fact that it was discovered doesn't mean that it was invented.What I meant by this is that gender dysphoria didn't suddenly appear in the 20th century.It already existed,yet the majority of people who were suffering from it didn't act upon those feelings.So it is entirely possible to learn to live without embracing these feeling and that leaves me with the conclusion that coming out was (and maybe still is) the exception not the rule.Therefore I believe that there are people who have gender dysphoria that live healthy social lives,but they might be an exception.What do you think?

Thank you for reading this!

 

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  • Digital Mentor
11 hours ago, asdfggg said:

Yes I believe there are trans people who have a normal life with healthy relationships and social lives!Yet,the problem is that there is a lot of luck involved in achieving that:

  • Your family must be supportive enough to help you
  • You need to have financial prosperity
  • Your social enviroment must be open-minded and accepting
  • Your career must favour the choices you make.(i.e. If you are a policeman then changing gender would be uncanny and definately impact your social life).

And even if you match all of the criteria,there is still a chance that you wont have a healthy social life.

I believe that most people that have experienced the same things as I,didnt come out.The reason I have this opinion is that Gender Dysphoria is a generally a new term that came to light around the 20th century.But the fact that it was discovered doesn't mean that it was invented.What I meant by this is that gender dysphoria didn't suddenly appear in the 20th century.It already existed,yet the majority of people who were suffering from it didn't act upon those feelings.So it is entirely possible to learn to live without embracing these feeling and that leaves me with the conclusion that coming out was (and maybe still is) the exception not the rule.Therefore I believe that there are people who have gender dysphoria that live healthy social lives,but they might be an exception.What do you think?

Thank you for reading this!

Hey there,

I can totally see where you're coming from with this; I think that when you're at the stage where it does feel difficult and challenging, it's hard to not let it cloud your outlook on all of the amazing possibilities. I believe that life is what you make of it a lot of the time, and if life gives us lemons, it's up to us to make lemonade. I guess that what I'm saying by that is if you are in a difficult situation where you aren't accepted, then maybe one day, when you have the independence, you can make a new life for yourself where you are in a supportive environment that values you for who you are. What do you think? 

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I don't believe that it is that easy cutting ties with all your life.Even when I will be 18 I will still be financially dependend from my parents.I think that there is a great chance that they will accept me,but I dont want to let them down.Especially since they have been working so hard,it seems selfish.I don't like hurting people close to me.

If I try to be independent then I have to give up most of my dreams and settle for lower education,since I would be at a huge disadvantage because most of my time will be directed at working and due to the fact that hormone therapy and gender resignment surgery are really expensive I might not even be able to achieve the goal of transitioning.And all that even if I have gender dysphoria,which is not certain.If life gives you rotten lemons then the lemonade you are making will also be rotten,so isn't better to add a lot of sugar to cover up the rotten part so it can ,at least, be drinkable?

At some point I think that you start wondering if this life is worth living.If a life without,family,friends,dreams,home is worth it.And even if you can deal with the loneliness,how long will it be before you start hating yourself and regreting the choices you have made?Αs  I said before,I believe that humans are social animals.Therefore social isolation is against human nature,and like Thucydides,a famous Greek philosoper, said ''Human nature is the one constant throughout human history.It is always there''.

What do you think?I am looking forwad to seeing you opinion!

 

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  • Digital Mentor
13 hours ago, asdfggg said:

I don't believe that it is that easy cutting ties with all your life.Even when I will be 18 I will still be financially dependend from my parents.I think that there is a great chance that they will accept me,but I dont want to let them down.Especially since they have been working so hard,it seems selfish.I don't like hurting people close to me.

If I try to be independent then I have to give up most of my dreams and settle for lower education,since I would be at a huge disadvantage because most of my time will be directed at working and due to the fact that hormone therapy and gender resignment surgery are really expensive I might not even be able to achieve the goal of transitioning.And all that even if I have gender dysphoria,which is not certain.If life gives you rotten lemons then the lemonade you are making will also be rotten,so isn't better to add a lot of sugar to cover up the rotten part so it can ,at least, be drinkable?

At some point I think that you start wondering if this life is worth living.If a life without,family,friends,dreams,home is worth it.And even if you can deal with the loneliness,how long will it be before you start hating yourself and regreting the choices you have made?Αs  I said before,I believe that humans are social animals.Therefore social isolation is against human nature,and like Thucydides,a famous Greek philosoper, said ''Human nature is the one constant throughout human history.It is always there''.

What do you think?I am looking forwad to seeing you opinion!

Hey,

I'm not sure why the post had to be approved, but it should be fine now. I noticed what you said about if this life is worth living, and I may be being too cautious here, but I just want to check, are you thinking about ending things? I just want to check in and see if you're safe or not, so do let me know. It's okay to say if you are as we can then help you get the support you might need. Speak soon. 

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I have thought about the idea of suicide,but decided that,it's not worth it.I still have dreams and hopes for the future and I know that this period of my life is stressfull and will not always be like that.I have tried self harm as a coping mechanism,since I don't have time for more conventional ones like playing a game or drawing,like I used to.But it's just for coping with everyday struggles,I am not suicidal.

What I meant in my previous response is that if I go down a path like the one you were describing then there is a big chance that my life will go to shit,instead of improving.So is it worth throwing away my dreams,my friends,my family and my home in order to feel a relief which,I am not sure if I even want?

I am ,again, sorry for my bad phrasing and I am sorry to have made you worry😅

(PS: Something small that bothered me a bit in my previous response is that I said that Thucydides was a philosopher,he is mainly known for being a historic and not for his philosophy)

Thank you for reading this!

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  • Digital Mentor
7 hours ago, asdfggg said:

I have thought about the idea of suicide,but decided that,it's not worth it.I still have dreams and hopes for the future and I know that this period of my life is stressfull and will not always be like that.I have tried self harm as a coping mechanism,since I don't have time for more conventional ones like playing a game or drawing,like I used to.But it's just for coping with everyday struggles,I am not suicidal.

What I meant in my previous response is that if I go down a path like the one you were describing then there is a big chance that my life will go to shit,instead of improving.So is it worth throwing away my dreams,my friends,my family and my home in order to feel a relief which,I am not sure if I even want?

I am ,again, sorry for my bad phrasing and I am sorry to have made you worry😅

(PS: Something small that bothered me a bit in my previous response is that I said that Thucydides was a philosopher,he is mainly known for being a historic and not for his philosophy)

Thank you for reading this!

Hey there,

I'm really glad to hear that you have decided not to do that; I just wanted to check and make sure that you're safe. I saw what you said about the self-harming. How are you finding it? Is it helping you? 

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It is not the most coventional way of coping but for now ,at least, it is helping me vent the feelings that I am having and it provides me with a momentary relief.I do not do it everyday,only when I feel down or when I am really tired.Despite that, I prefer venting these feelings in other ways when I have the chance like drawing,playing a game ,or more recently, going to the gym or talking with you!😅

Thank you for reading this!

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  • Digital Mentor
3 hours ago, asdfggg said:

It is not the most coventional way of coping but for now ,at least, it is helping me vent the feelings that I am having and it provides me with a momentary relief.I do not do it everyday,only when I feel down or when I am really tired.Despite that, I prefer venting these feelings in other ways when I have the chance like drawing,playing a game ,or more recently, going to the gym or talking with you!😅

Thank you for reading this!

Hey,

Yeah, I think that people often misunderstand self-harming and don't see it as a way of coping, but rather a bad habit. I'm glad that you have other ways of venting those feelings, and I'm wondering, what would help you to self-harm less? Also, can I check, when you are doing it, are you being as safe as possible? 

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In the position I am right now there are not a lot of things that help me cope with this feelings except from the ones mentioned before.I already keep sεlf-hαrm to a minimum of about once or twice a week and I avoid vital spots,often doing it in my thighs,where no-one can see the marks and it cannot threαten my life,since muscle is located there and,of course,when I am alone in my room.

Thank you for reading this!

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  • Digital Mentor

Hey there,

I'm glad that you're being as safe as possible when self-harming. I'm wondering, which do you find more helpful for coping, is it the gym, talking to us here,  self-harming, drawing, or playing a game? If so, why do you think that's the most helpful? 

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I believe that the most helpful ones are playing a game and  drawing.That is because,when playing a game,like leauge of legends,which I play with my friends it makes my brain shut down for a bit focusing on only that.Moreover,since it is a multiplayer game,and a rage-enducing,at that,it helps me vent my feelings in the safest way:by swearing at a screen,which is way better than taking it out on someone else.Also a lot of the time I get drawn to the game making me feel motivated to create something about it,mostly fanart.

I picked up drawing about a year ago on my own.Before that I had experimented with CGI and Editing for quite some time.While drawing,my brain,again,focuses on that one thing,letting everything run in the background.It helps me express my feelings in a creative way but also learn such a difficult art.It can be dissapointing from time to time but it can also be really rewarding.Lately though I feel really unmotivated,drawing only once or twice  a week.I have been losing touch with the subject and I believe it's a shame.

Going to the gym,sεlf-hαrm,and talking to you,are recent coping mechanism,so I don't know,yet,how much they will help me in the long run.

Thank you for reading this!

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  • Digital Mentor
11 hours ago, asdfggg said:

I believe that the most helpful ones are playing a game and  drawing.That is because,when playing a game,like leauge of legends,which I play with my friends it makes my brain shut down for a bit focusing on only that.Moreover,since it is a multiplayer game,and a rage-enducing,at that,it helps me vent my feelings in the safest way:by swearing at a screen,which is way better than taking it out on someone else.Also a lot of the time I get drawn to the game making me feel motivated to create something about it,mostly fanart.

I picked up drawing about a year ago on my own.Before that I had experimented with CGI and Editing for quite some time.While drawing,my brain,again,focuses on that one thing,letting everything run in the background.It helps me express my feelings in a creative way but also learn such a difficult art.It can be dissapointing from time to time but it can also be really rewarding.Lately though I feel really unmotivated,drawing only once or twice  a week.I have been losing touch with the subject and I believe it's a shame.

Going to the gym,sεlf-hαrm,and talking to you,are recent coping mechanism,so I don't know,yet,how much they will help me in the long run.

Thank you for reading this!

Hey there,

How are you today? 

It sounds like gaming and drawing are super helpful for you which is lovely to hear :). I'm wondering, do you want to try reducing how much you self-harm, or even stop completely? If so, we are trained to be able to help people with that. Let me know and we can go from there.

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  • Digital Mentor
5 hours ago, asdfggg said:

If so,what can I substitiute it with?

Hey there,

There are plenty of safe alternatives that you can do instead. Why don't you have a look at our support guide here and pick 1 or 2 to do instead? https://www.ditchthelabel.org/15-safer-alternatives-to-self-harm/

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Thank you for your advice!

I will try 1 or 2,to see if they work,although I think that the theory behind sεlf-hαrm is that it is a quick an intense feeling ,rather than a drawn out experience,but it is worth a try! 

Thank you very much!

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  • Digital Mentor

Hey there,

I think that some people experience dysphoria at some point but then work through it. However, those feelings tend to be a message from inside, telling you to explore your identity and do what feels right and natural. So, I guess I'm wondering, what do you think the right thing is to do regarding the dysphoria? 

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I don't know.Most days I feel like I want to live as the opposite gender,thinking about how will my life be then,but im worried that it isn't the right choice and I might regret it later on.Also I don't exactly know how life as a female is,what are the downsides and the problems of the female gender norms.Moreover I wonder about having female secondary characteristics,yet I don't know how they will affect my temperament or if the changes can be persuasive enough.Maybe it is just a phase Im going through.

So I believe I have 2 choices.

I can either talk to a professional to tell me what he/she thinks,come out  to my parents hoping for the best,transition, and cut ties with the most prejudiced family members and hope that I can have a normal life or I can live my life as is and learn to live with this feelings,presenting myself a certain way and hiding this part of myself,hoping that the dysphoria will ''go away'' as I grow older.Both options having their own disadvantages.

Therefore,I'm kind of stuck😄.

Thank you for helping me!

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  • Digital Mentor

Hey there,

I can really sense that you feel stuck, and that's okay, because talking to others about it will help give you clarity and figure out what to do next. I'm wondering, what is your gut feeling telling you to do? What do you think would be the healthiest option for you? 

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