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Friendship or relationship?


nininou
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Hi everyone ! thanks for taking the time to read my story I really really need your help on this one.

I've known my male best friend ( I'm a girl) for 6 years now. Let's call him Leo...  Everything was fine with Leo, we had an amazing chemistry  and we were basically like bros. The thing is, from last year... Things begin to change in a very bad and unhealthy way:

- We would argue about boys: For him no boy is enough for me, they all suck and I'm as he said a 'fuckgirl' because I talk with  too many boys ( I don't).

- We would argue about the fact that I don't think that in a best friend relationship one of us can fall for the other. ( He gets pissed) 

-   We would argue about me giving him a compliment ( he took it the wrong way): Once I told him that I'm really glad to finally meet a boy who hasn't anything in mind like he doesn't want to date me or a romantic interested and how good of a friend he makes  because I was done with boys anyway. And I told him you're actually a saint! He got pissed off and told me :  Does having feelings for someone make him a devil? I thought that I gave him a compliment but he took it the wrong way...

- He keeps labeling our friendship a relationship...  He never refer to 'us' as  a friendship but rather  a relationship. At first I thought it was okay  in a way  maybe all friends do that but when he decided to take a BREAK , I really got confused because my friends kept saying it only happens in relationships.

- Everyone  think we're dating EVEN the teacher made a comment about how he has a crush on me but I really don't see it that way.

- We would argue about how he's too close one day and poofff pulls away the other day without any valid reason.

- I told him once that I like guys with beards, he have been growing a beard for 2 years now. Every time we argue, he would shave it lol 

  Last year he said he was done with this ' relationship'  that is toxic for him  and blocked me all summer without any reason. When we met again at school for our final year together ( which is this year) , he unblocked me   and told me that he can't do this anymore : close a relationship of 6 years... and that I need to deal with him.

Now what I don't understand is the fact that he doesn't have this kind of toxic friendship with his other female friends which is unfair because we used to be really close but now we're on and off ...  It's confusing... 

What should I do? Is this how best friends act with  each other or?

 

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  • Digital Mentor

Hey there,

Thanks for explaining your friendship here and what it was like at the time. From what you’ve said, it sounded like this guy wanted more from you, and was getting too caught up in his feelings for you. This isn’t how a friendship goes, and it sounds like he was trying to cross the boundary from a friendship to a relationship. What do you think? 

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Thanks for your reply! it feels nice to have someone that's understanding... 

I  don't know what to think anymore... He keeps sending mixed signals and he keeps pulling away without any valid reasons, he's like a wave. Why isn't it that complicated with his other female friends? He seems to get along just fine with them but when it's about me, it's a completely différent thing! How can I make this chaotic situation better?

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  • Digital Mentor

Hey @nininou

Yeah, this situation sounds really confusing and tough for both of you. It sounds like he is very up and down about the friendship, and that he is struggling to control his feelings and behaviour towards you. I think that it's likely to be different with his other friends because they may just be friends to him, whereas with you, I suspect that he might want more. What do you think? Going forward, it could be helpful to have an open and honest conversation about how you're both feeling, and seeing where you can go from there. 

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Thanks again for your reply...

I feel like this friendship is not going anywhere... One day we're so close , the other day he just pulls away and we end up in the same spot over and over again. We keep pushing it so bad and trying our best to keep it but it sounds like no matter what we do, it's not meant to be. Should I just distance myself ? He seems just fine with his other friends, I don't think that it will be a big deal for him if he lost me. We are not doing each other any good, it's still toxic.

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  • Digital Mentor

Hey there,

Yeah, it sounds really up and down, and I can imagine that this impacts your wellbeing. How are you feeling about it all? I think that you have to do what you think is best, and I'm wondering, what is your gut feeling telling you to do? I think it may be good to share how you're feeling with each other and go from there. 

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 update!

So I told him that his comments were a little too much... He got angry and didn't talk with me for two days, he kept talking with everyone but he didn't knowledge me. So I told him ever since I've made that comment you've been  really distant and cold and we went on and off for a week. He text me after a week  and told me what's up? I've been acting cold with him and distant  ever since I've made that comment. He also told me since you wanted to work on communication here I'm , tell me what's going on... It's actually the first time that he comes back ... I didn't really wanted to talk because I felt like he just wanted to talk it out fast like rush it  without really solving the issue so that we can come back again ... And every time we do that we end up having the same issue because we didn't solve it. So I told him we will talk later... he said ok whatever.   Him saying that he felt ignored surprise  me because I acted cold only because he was acting cold  and distant  so I thought I need to give him some space... I reached out to him  again to explain but he was really upset like he was blaming me for distancing myself and how I was disappearing    without any valid reason... He was really   defensive so I did back off and told him I will  act the same as before... The next day I see him he doesn't even say good morning  and he spend the session ( we are at school) talking with everyone again except me ( nothing personal lol ) so I told him how am I supposed to talk with you when you don't even talk or respond to me... So please don't blame me... He said we're good and I'm not blaming you. At that point i thought he didn't care anymore so I did let it slide in a way... Than my bestfriend( who is a commun friend of us)  asked me what's up with us? I told her I don't know ask him ... So she told me that she did  indeed asked  him but he said he doesn't know either  and that ,than he told me he really doesn't understand  how I turned my back on him this easily and how we've literally been together for a while now since my bestfriend is always with her bf and my other bestfriend isn't always around... So we're always spending  time together because he doesn't  want me to be alone and now I'm ignoring him without even telling him why ( I'M IGNORING HIM BECAUSE HE'S IGNORING ME!).

It's been 2 weeks now and we're not talking...

Last time I talked with him he was upset and I don't even know what's the issue about... We can't even communicate and I'm telling myself maybe it's better that way because he seem doing just fine with his other friends and laughing around so maybe losing me isn't that big of a  deal to him after all...

WHAT SHOULD I DO?

 

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  • Digital Mentor

Hey @nininou

I'm sorry to hear that he didn't respond very well; it sounds like he is quite upset at the moment, and you did the right thing by telling him how you feel, as this kind of clear communication is so important for maintaining a healthy friendship. I think this is tricky because I get the sense that you both want it to be resolved, but also that he isn't ready/clam enough yet to have that kind of conversation. I'm wondering, could it be helpful to just give it some time so you can both cool down, and then maybe speak properly about it in a month or so? What do you think? 

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I think that he really doesn't want to talk about it  or  even talk to me.  Today I  wanted to sit next to him in class since we study together but he actually switched place and it was really embarassing  for me. He actually changed his  place because he needed to charge his computer but I actually think he did that on purpose... I'm over it.

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  • Digital Mentor

Hey there,

Ah, that must be really upsetting for you to experience. How are you feeling about it all today? Also, what do you think would be a good next step? 

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