Hello! Just wanted to update, because it has been a long while.

[sweetie]

It's literally been a year and around 3-4 months since I first joined this amazing community. 

After a while, I admit to have stopped visiting the website and plus I had to start a new school. I may be feeling better than before, but I obviously had rough ass days where I would cry so much and all.

I see, there have been so many changes to the website and I'm so here for it! Because I can only select one trigger warning I won't be getting that detailed with some other problems I faced.

I quit self-harm, as a promise to my siblings and myself. I learned to do it mostly for myself, because even though I know it frightened them they wouldn't pamper me. It took time honestly, I remember sometimes getting really angry at the them for the way they still treated me and said sometimes when I wasn't in the mood. But siblings will be siblings, I had to accept that they would always know the buttons that affect me and sometimes didn't hesitate to push them. I used to look back at my younger self and had mixed feelings towards them, I wondered why I was always so angry and why I was so violent. But the truth was it still didn't go away completely, it faded. School made it fade, I was shy meeting new people, still am. Until we are really close you won't know how I truly act, but even though I never wanted anyone to realize that I have or had slight anger issues. I remember when I was in a car with my family, just a few months ago. My siblings and I were arguing, my parents in the front seat stressed out like back in the old days. At a point, I started to get really pissed of because the argument didn't make sense to me, because I knew what I was saying made sense and nobody wanted to hear me out and truly understand. They told me to calm down, I was shocked. I didn't even notice how furious I was. I dropped it, and kept silent. They really know which buttons to push, I thought to myself once.

Anyways, I'm heading to a new school in less than a week, I already went to a new school last year and graduated. I hated it. But I at least, made one friend I was really happy about, so I consider my year at that school not totally the worst. At last, I'm going to spend one year in a new environment with maybe not so new faces, I might know a few people, the school is quite popular for those getting ready for college. I'm quite excited, especially because I won't be in boarding. So I won't have the problems I faced in my first school.

This community has been such a blessing, I really wanted to get better. I did technically self-diagnose myself with depression, but at my young age and with the type of family I lived with...  I couldn't just ask to see if I had a mental disorder or something. School distracted me from a lot of things, but after this year of school, I noticed by breakdown reduced by a lot. I was more willing to try out my hobbies, although I still struggle. I learned to find new hobbies, as of now I want to focus on fashion, not as a career but as something fun to do in my free time. I sketch out outfits that I admire, either from shows or movies. I take a picture then I sketch. makes me so happy, makes me have hopes of even trying to wear something similar soon.

A lot of things came up that would have pushed me back down to my breaking point, but I kept strong and for that I'm really proud of myself. 

This was very long, I usually write so much when I start haha. 

[Randomgirl.]

1 hour ago, sweetie said:

It's literally been a year and around 3-4 months since I first joined this amazing community. 

After a while, I admit to have stopped visiting the website and plus I had to start a new school. I may be feeling better than before, but I obviously had rough ass days where I would cry so much and all.

I see, there have been so many changes to the website and I'm so here for it! Because I can only select one trigger warning I won't be getting that detailed with some other problems I faced.

I quit self-harm, as a promise to my siblings and myself. I learned to do it mostly for myself, because even though I know it frightened them they wouldn't pamper me. It took time honestly, I remember sometimes getting really angry at the them for the way they still treated me and said sometimes when I wasn't in the mood. But siblings will be siblings, I had to accept that they would always know the buttons that affect me and sometimes didn't hesitate to push them. I used to look back at my younger self and had mixed feelings towards them, I wondered why I was always so angry and why I was so violent. But the truth was it still didn't go away completely, it faded. School made it fade, I was shy meeting new people, still am. Until we are really close you won't know how I truly act, but even though I never wanted anyone to realize that I have or had slight anger issues. I remember when I was in a car with my family, just a few months ago. My siblings and I were arguing, my parents in the front seat stressed out like back in the old days. At a point, I started to get really pissed of because the argument didn't make sense to me, because I knew what I was saying made sense and nobody wanted to hear me out and truly understand. They told me to calm down, I was shocked. I didn't even notice how furious I was. I dropped it, and kept silent. They really know which buttons to push, I thought to myself once.

Anyways, I'm heading to a new school in less than a week, I already went to a new school last year and graduated. I hated it. But I at least, made one friend I was really happy about, so I consider my year at that school not totally the worst. At last, I'm going to spend one year in a new environment with maybe not so new faces, I might know a few people, the school is quite popular for those getting ready for college. I'm quite excited, especially because I won't be in boarding. So I won't have the problems I faced in my first school.

This community has been such a blessing, I really wanted to get better. I did technically self-diagnose myself with depression, but at my young age and with the type of family I lived with...  I couldn't just ask to see if I had a mental disorder or something. School distracted me from a lot of things, but after this year of school, I noticed by breakdown reduced by a lot. I was more willing to try out my hobbies, although I still struggle. I learned to find new hobbies, as of now I want to focus on fashion, not as a career but as something fun to do in my free time. I sketch out outfits that I admire, either from shows or movies. I take a picture then I sketch. makes me so happy, makes me have hopes of even trying to wear something similar soon.

A lot of things came up that would have pushed me back down to my breaking point, but I kept strong and for that I'm really proud of myself. 

This was very long, I usually write so much when I start haha. 

Hey! I only found this site about a month ago, but it’s amazing and the people have already helped so much. It makes me so happy to see people like you doing so much better now. You’ve been through alot but it takes alot of strength to get through all that. It’s amazing how you were able to quit self harm. That can’t have been easy. It gives me some hope that maybe I could do that too. Every time I think I’m moving forward I just go about 10 steps backwards. But this is just a reminder that you’re amazing and to keep going because you’re worth it

[sweetie]

Hi!! @Randomgirl.

Just remember to take your time, I'm not in the best of state but I know I'm getting better. I remember when it all started crashing down for me, it took me time to leave my bed or even clean myself up at times. Heck I threw away my sleeping schedule, even during online school, I would focus my time on shows and movies to disconnect me from reality. I still do that, but not as my escape or coping method, I do it because it eases my mind for a while, calms me down. I admit, I still get the urges to spend my whole days focused on the screen and not leave my room because I rather not even socialize with my family.

(Once again only one option for trigger warning, so I did mention suicide, trauma and a bit of self-hatred)

Anyways, regarding the other part, actually it was only a one time thing. And the reason that compelled me to do it so much is over. I have explained it once, I can't remember how much details I gave but in summary I was hit as an act of discipline. But yes, I did try it, I tried cutting myself but didn't bleed out because of the thing I used. A safety scissors in my bedroom. I remember crying so much and hating myself that I managed to convince myself this, "If they are allowed the harm you, so can I" and I got so furious that I wasn't bleeding. It was still day so I was interrupted by a family member walking in, luckily for myself back then they didn't see because I quickly hid everything including my arm. Note, I have quite fragile skin so the marks showed and that area of skin was red. That same day, in the night, my siblings came crying to me and we talked, said they couldn't handle it. They both had thoughts of suicide, I cried. I am nobody to speak on whether they actually knew what it meant to go through with it but the fact it came up made me extremely sad. I told them about my depression, showed them my cuts. We cried and talked more, and I tried to reassure them. Note, they are my younger siblings. Next day, we acted normal, they stopped some jokes I wasn't a fan of and the person responsible apologized. They didn't even know what happened, so I was glad that even without telling them, the person promised to not do it again.

It took sometime, still had urges but I went past them. I remember last year, about 2 months after everything had started(my depression I mean), I thought to myself, "I bet by 2021, I'll be so happy. January will be like the beginning of a new me". Thinking about those thoughts I had, now makes me have mixed feelings, because once September hit, it felt like things were getting worse, but I still told myself those same thoughts. It was like life was throwing bricks at me, and I was stumbling. Leaving my friends, going to a school I never really was fond of as a child. I remember, I had about 4 options, I didn't want to go to either but if I had to pick, 2 were okay, 1 was ugh, and the other was "If I go there, I will throw away every improvement I had on myself instantly". I ended up going to the 'ugh' school. I remember crying so much because my parents had that last school I mentioned as an option. I told them I didn't want to go, they still made me do the entrance exam, I tried so hard to fail but I passed. I thought to myself, "the school probably wants money so badly". I remember being so scared, because the 'ugh' school was my last options, the 'okay' ones weren't accepting students in my grade. Why I was so scared, that I even considered suicide, was because I met a really creepy guy online that went there in my grade. I didn't want to encounter the guy, it took me weeks of calming myself down and crying to move on and distract myself, I couldn't imagine having to face such a thing. That was a major cause of my breakdowns, how disgusting guys could be, it wasn't my first time seeing how guys could have no sense of self control towards me. I cried for myself, what other types of awful men I might encounter in the future. At a point, I started blaming myself, telling myself things like "There's something wrong with you" OR "You're the reason this happens", in general I felt awful about the life I was living. You know when you listen to a song during something traumatizing and therefore listening to that song again after that incident makes you feel horrible, well that's what happened to me. I was able to recover one song back but the other was long gone, I remember late last year attempting to listen to that lost song, still triggered stuff but even though it wasn't that much I decided to leave it lost. So, I think anyone can imagine why I couldn't possibly bring myself to put that school as an option, even though I didn't tell my parents why I didn't want to go there so much, I wish they had just trusted me.

All I'm really trying to say is, you'll get there, even though it doesn't feel like. I didn't even notice the small steps I was taking and how important they actually were. This site helped me realize I really was improving. You're amazing too, that's why I believe you can get better. I'm still trying to get better, I want to work harder. And I believe I will. And thank you for the kind words, I sometimes question why I even bother to update, but replies like yours makes me realize that it's not totally stupid and pointless. Have an amazing day or day to come!!

 

[Monsoon]

Hey @sweetie

Welcome back - it's really lovely to hear from you again. Thank you for your kind words about our community here and how helpful it's been for you. It sounds like you've really been coping so well and helping yourself to move forward with the things that were troubling you. I'm so impressed by how well you articulate your experiences. Looking back on where you were when you first spoke with us in January, how does it feel knowing where you are now? I remember you speaking with us about your dad, and I'm just wondering how things are going between you two now? I hope things are better between you two. 

Just to check in, how are your siblings doing now? I saw that you mentioned how they were feeling suicidal; I hope they're doing better now. If not, you can speak to us about it and we can help you out. Speak soon. 

 

 

 

[Randomgirl.]

37 minutes ago, sweetie said:

Hi!! @Randomgirl.

Just remember to take your time, I'm not in the best of state but I know I'm getting better. I remember when it all started crashing down for me, it took me time to leave my bed or even clean myself up at times. Heck I threw away my sleeping schedule, even during online school, I would focus my time on shows and movies to disconnect me from reality. I still do that, but not as my escape or coping method, I do it because it eases my mind for a while, calms me down. I admit, I still get the urges to spend my whole days focused on the screen and not leave my room because I rather not even socialize with my family.

(Once again only one option for trigger warning, so I did mention suicide, trauma and a bit of self-hatred)

Anyways, regarding the other part, actually it was only a one time thing. And the reason that compelled me to do it so much is over. I have explained it once, I can't remember how much details I gave but in summary I was hit as an act of discipline. But yes, I did try it, I tried cutting myself but didn't bleed out because of the thing I used. A safety scissors in my bedroom. I remember crying so much and hating myself that I managed to convince myself this, "If they are allowed the harm you, so can I" and I got so furious that I wasn't bleeding. It was still day so I was interrupted by a family member walking in, luckily for myself back then they didn't see because I quickly hid everything including my arm. Note, I have quite fragile skin so the marks showed and that area of skin was red. That same day, in the night, my siblings came crying to me and we talked, said they couldn't handle it. They both had thoughts of suicide, I cried. I am nobody to speak on whether they actually knew what it meant to go through with it but the fact it came up made me extremely sad. I told them about my depression, showed them my cuts. We cried and talked more, and I tried to reassure them. Note, they are my younger siblings. Next day, we acted normal, they stopped some jokes I wasn't a fan of and the person responsible apologized. They didn't even know what happened, so I was glad that even without telling them, the person promised to not do it again.

It took sometime, still had urges but I went past them. I remember last year, about 2 months after everything had started(my depression I mean), I thought to myself, "I bet by 2021, I'll be so happy. January will be like the beginning of a new me". Thinking about those thoughts I had, now makes me have mixed feelings, because once September hit, it felt like things were getting worse, but I still told myself those same thoughts. It was like life was throwing bricks at me, and I was stumbling. Leaving my friends, going to a school I never really was fond of as a child. I remember, I had about 4 options, I didn't want to go to either but if I had to pick, 2 were okay, 1 was ugh, and the other was "If I go there, I will throw away every improvement I had on myself instantly". I ended up going to the 'ugh' school. I remember crying so much because my parents had that last school I mentioned as an option. I told them I didn't want to go, they still made me do the entrance exam, I tried so hard to fail but I passed. I thought to myself, "the school probably wants money so badly". I remember being so scared, because the 'ugh' school was my last options, the 'okay' ones weren't accepting students in my grade. Why I was so scared, that I even considered suicide, was because I met a really creepy guy online that went there in my grade. I didn't want to encounter the guy, it took me weeks of calming myself down and crying to move on and distract myself, I couldn't imagine having to face such a thing. That was a major cause of my breakdowns, how disgusting guys could be, it wasn't my first time seeing how guys could have no sense of self control towards me. I cried for myself, what other types of awful men I might encounter in the future. At a point, I started blaming myself, telling myself things like "There's something wrong with you" OR "You're the reason this happens", in general I felt awful about the life I was living. You know when you listen to a song during something traumatizing and therefore listening to that song again after that incident makes you feel horrible, well that's what happened to me. I was able to recover one song back but the other was long gone, I remember late last year attempting to listen to that lost song, still triggered stuff but even though it wasn't that much I decided to leave it lost. So, I think anyone can imagine why I couldn't possibly bring myself to put that school as an option, even though I didn't tell my parents why I didn't want to go there so much, I wish they had just trusted me.

All I'm really trying to say is, you'll get there, even though it doesn't feel like. I didn't even notice the small steps I was taking and how important they actually were. This site helped me realize I really was improving. You're amazing too, that's why I believe you can get better. I'm still trying to get better, I want to work harder. And I believe I will. And thank you for the kind words, I sometimes question why I even bother to update, but replies like yours makes me realize that it's not totally stupid and pointless. Have an amazing day or day to come!!

Please do keep updating! It’s so helpful to hear someone else’s story. Honestly I’m having a pretty bad day, but your reply and kinds words just lifted my mood a good bit. Keep doing what you’re doing, you should be proud of  the long way you’ve come! 

[Monsoon]

Hey @Randomgirl.

Sorry to hear that you're having a bad day. Would you like to tell us what is going on? 

[sweetie]

@Randomgirl. Thank you so much, it's really nice having been told positive things about my updates!

[Randomgirl.]

2 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey @Randomgirl.

Sorry to hear that you're having a bad day. Would you like to tell us what is going on? 

I’ve been quarantining for the last week because one of my friends has covid 19 and I’m a close contact. Even though I’ve tested negative, I still can’t go anywhere for another 2 days. I can’t even go to school. I don’t like school, but it would be better than this. I feel like so much has happened this week and I’m missing out on a lot. Not seeing my friends isn’t doing anything great for my mental health either. And my problems keep piling up and I’m losing my patience. And my guitar is broke so I had to take it to get fixed this morning so that’s amazing

I know I could have it a lot worse but I’m just not in the best of moods. 

[Randomgirl.]

1 hour ago, sweetie said:

@Randomgirl. Thank you so much, it's really nice having been told positive things about my updates!

No problem at all.

[sweetie]

43 minutes ago, Monsoon said:

Hey @sweetie

Welcome back - it's really lovely to hear from you again. Thank you for your kind words about our community here and how helpful it's been for you. It sounds like you've really been coping so well and helping yourself to move forward with the things that were troubling you. I'm so impressed by how well you articulate your experiences. Looking back on where you were when you first spoke with us in January, how does it feel knowing where you are now? I remember you speaking with us about your dad, and I'm just wondering how things are going between you two now? I hope things are better between you two. 

Just to check in, how are your siblings doing now? I saw that you mentioned how they were feeling suicidal; I hope they're doing better now. If not, you can speak to us about it and we can help you out. Speak soon.  

Thank you! It feels so nice to express myself on here again. 

I really have been able to cope with a few of my problems now, for one I started journaling around July and even before that I would sometimes rant on my phone in my Notes app and lock them, read them and reassure myself of better days.  Actually before writing this, I took some time to go back to my recent posts. That's also something that kept me going and staying positive. Regarding school, I think I was able to get through it without much problems because I knew it was going to end quite soon and now it's over. 

I have always encouraged myself to speak more clearly of my experiences. In the past, I had issues properly explaining my problems sometimes but I can't really judge myself. This was new to me, having such negative impacts on my health and finding an incredible website. It almost felt too good to be true, and I always had this nagging mini thought of mine trying to inflict such an idea that someone I know would find out that this account belongs to me and all that. But, I came come to terms that it was just a thought, and even if someone I knew did find me it wouldn't matter, if they are/were on this platform too then why would they judge me. (like in a sense that this platform has really nice people).

Having looking back at my first update post in January makes me feel prouder of myself. The whole school situation could have made my state worse but I managed to pick out and stick to the positive sides. Ah yes, my dad. Unfortunately, nothing has really changed between me and my dad. I tried a few times to connect with him but I guess it can't work. I still care for him, he's my dad and has been very good to me, but I just had to accept that were all still humans. We may be family but sadly we can't all get along.  He started to notice the distance and sometimes encouraged me to speak my thoughts, knowing my father I speak but say little, it's a trap. He hasn't changed for goodness sake, he just wants to argue with me, or just hear me speak so that he can ask to say his own thoughts. So as a change, I stopped ignoring my issues, I identified them and simply set them aside because there are just some things I can't change and I refuse to let them ruin my mental health. As I said before, 2020 was a huge change for me, I've seen myself growing up a bit more. I'm not the most mature but I am now able to see things from a different perspective.

My siblings should be fine lately, well I hope so. I try and observe their behaviours and all. One is living life, that's my sister, were pretty close, I mean we share a room so we have to deal with each other constantly way more than anyone else in the house. The other, my brother, I know he's going through some things, he doesn't like sharing so much but I do always try to cheer him up. I suppose the thoughts were a one time thing, more of like in the moment. We all cried and felt awful, I do recall them saying that they didn't really mean it that time or something similar, I totally understand that but I still told them I was always willing and free to talk to.

 

[Monsoon]

Hey,

Yeah, I think it's always good to read back through your old messages here because it shows you how far you've come. It's hard to realise how much we have progressed as the steps we take are so small that we barely even notice, so I'm glad to hear that you're reflecting on your progress . I think that you are such a resilient person, and a perfect example of that is how you chose to stick to the positive sides of school rather than weigh yourself down with the negative. 

It sounds like your siblings are doing fine at the moment, and they are lucky to have a sister like you who really looks out for them which I'm sure they appreciate. 

How are you feeling today? Also, I remember you talking about maybe starting learning to drive. How did that go?