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Gender Crisis - Advice pls


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  • Digital Mentor

Hey @Marv

It sounds like you've been having loads of fun and really making the most of university; the social aspect of uni is so wonderful and it's great that you've really been having a good time as those kinds of memories last a lifetime. Also, that's great about the autism support meeting. What did you talk about in the meeting? 

By the way, I'm sorry to hear that the bleeding has started again. You sounded so pleased about not having it for a coupe of days, and I can imagine that it's really thrown you off balance and made you feel like you're back to square one. It's good that you're still going to go to the party, because I remember you saying about how you can close yourself off when you're bleeding, so this will be good for your progress. Can I ask, what is it that you're worried about now you're bleeding again? 

 

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The meeting - it was so good, it really helped me feel valid and make me stop doubting myself. We discussed eye contact, grounding techniques, sensory overloads, and what to do if people don't believe me - because I'm currently self diagnosed but apparently the autism society, i'm not sure what it's called, is cool with self diagnosis so that made me feel a lot better! It was really good though and they were super friendly. 

I did go to the party! I'm so glad I didn't just stay at home and close myself off. I guess I worry that it'll just never stop and that I'll have to deal with it by myself forever - which is pretty inaccurate but the mind is a powerful drama queen. I also worry about getting SH urges and having meltdowns over it. I guess mostly that it'll never stop, that I'll never be able to wear my comfy boxers, I won't be able to move on, which like I said is all quite inaccurate. I've called the doctors again today, currently waiting for them to call back because it's really taking its toll on my mental health now. 

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  • Digital Mentor

Hey there,

I'm glad you felt valid after your meeting; it's so heart-warming when people just understand what we are going through and have that specialist knowledge to help support us. It sounds like they gave you loads of really useful info. Also, I totally get what you're saying about how the mind is a powerful drama queen! It's really good to be aware of when our thoughts might not be helpful, and it's good to challenge our own ways of thinking, for example, although you worry about having to deal with it yourself, you also have the doctor who will be able to help 🙂

Can I ask, when you say you won't be able to move on, can you explain this a little bit more to me, please? I hope you hear from the doctor soon too! 

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Hey Monsoon, 

So, I finally got in contact with the doctors and I had some bad news. I was told when I was put on the pill that the irregular bleeding would probably be during the first 3/4 weeks of being on the pill, I'm not sure  if I was told that or if I heard them wrong but, apparently it can take up to three months for this pill to start doing its thing... which I really didn't want to hear. But, I guess on an up side, it's  good to know. I've had a couple of days with no period again so that's helped my mood massively. I also think I'm sort of getting used to it? I can't feel the pad anymore I'm guessing because it's been three weeks now haha... but I think I'm sort of getting the hang of it. It isn't nice of course. Oh! also! I ordered some special boxers from Spectrum Outfitters that have an extra pair of pants(?) inside them so you can put a pad in but still have boxers on!! I'm so happy, I can't wait to get them in the post. That'll make me feel much better. I also got a fresh new binder the other day, a black one which goes better with all my clothes 😄  I also bit the bullet and got in contact with the student support team at my uni about how I've been struggling and they're going to help out. 

As for your question, I think what I mean is it feels like it's going to go on forever and that it's never going to stop, I feel stuck, trapped, so like I'm not going to be able to move on and become my true self? I think that's it. 

 

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  • Digital Mentor

Hey @Marv

I'm sorry to hear that it could take a few months to start working. I know how much this has been upsetting you, so I can really see why you'd be struggling with this news. However, it's good that you're sort of getting used to it. I think that in this post, you definitely seem more accepting of your current stop on your gender journey, and I think that although it's not ideal that it can take a few months, I guess it might be good to also realise that the drug is still likely to work, and that it will just take a while, rather than not working at all. What do you think?

Also, how exciting about the boxers. How did you find out about those? 

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Hi Monsoon! 

Yes, it took me good minute to accept that I could be in for a bumpy ride with it over the next three months, but since I wrote that message, I think my acceptance has gone up. I've been very very happy this past week which is mainly down to the fact that I haven't bled for around five days or so now I think. I'm fully aware that it could come back at anytime between now and Christmas (which is the three month mark) but I'm using the time that I'm not bleeding as best as I can; I've been very productive with work, I've started work on my dissertation again and made a lot of progres lately; I've been spending a lot of time with friends and keeping busy socially which has been really nice, I went to my friend's birthday outing last night which was fun and a geography social the other day too, and I did both worry free!! I also took the change, considering I haven't been bleeding, to have a relaxing bath with a bathbomb which was super nice. Having baths, actually, is helping me work out gender stuff because obviously lying down in the bath and relaxing you can... see everything, compared to in the shower where you're kinda not? and I'm realising how uncomfortable I am having boobs. But yeah, I'm really trying to take advantage of the good mental health and no bleeding and do as much as I can.

The boxers - my friend told me about them, he has a pair. He's transmasc so he's had to deal with periods and wanting to wear boxers and he found that Spectrum Outfitters, the company we get our binders from, do them. Also, with these boxers, there's a little pouch so that, if you want to, you can try packing. On Friday, I went to my friend's pre birthday celebration and I actually tried packing.... and it made me feel really good - which I was scared to admit. It's weird, I'm really repulsed by penis's but the packing felt really cool and I felt euphoric. But my friend did say that just because I liked packing doesn't mean I have to get a penis which is a good point! I can't do it much because I only have one pair of the boxers, but I'd like to buy more in the future. 

Also (wow so much has changed since I made this post at the start) I've been thinking about getting a trans flag. I mean, I'm still not 100% sure on things, but I'm much less scared of the term and the flag now than I was when I made this post. I am getting a little scared and doubtful though because I saw a tiktok the other day and the person was explaining how they thought they were trans and went through with name and pronoun changes, nothing medical, and found, in the end, that they were wrong about themselves, so now I'm like 'aahh what if I'm just over thinking stuff and I'm actually wrong about all this', but I shouldn't let a tiktok get to me. 

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  • Digital Mentor

Hey Marv,

It's so lovely to hear about how well you're doing. I can really sense the positivity in your post and it sounds like you're thriving this year at university. You've got so many good things going on and it sounds like you're really pushing your comfort zone 🙂

I'm curious about what you said about how your acceptance has gone up. I'm wondering, what do you think has helped this? Also, with the TikTok, I think that it's totally normal to experience a level of self-doubt, so maybe just try to keep that in mind. It's definitely a good idea to touch base regularly with the direction you're going in and ask yourself if it feels right inside. What do you think?

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Hey!!

Things have been going pretty well recently! I've been using my boxers and it feels soooo good! My period is still going but I think I'm really getting the hang of it and I'm really really trying to make sure it doesn't stop me from doing things. I think I've more or less gotten the hang of it. My mental state has been pretty decent lately too, I've been going out with friends, getting work done, having breakfast, lunch and dinner,  taking care of myself as best I can. I've had a really nasty case of the freshers flu though, but I've been trying to look after myself. In terms of accepting the bleeding, I guess as much as I hate it, I remember that there are loads of different ways to get rid of it, and even though it's a pain in the ass, it doesn't stop me from progressing in other parts of my gender identity. I've been exploring names lately and found one that really sits right with me. How do you know when you've got the right name??? 

Also!! awesome news, I've literally just received a letter from the gender clinic and, although it's only informing me that I'm on their system, it's still a step and I'm over the moon!!! obviously there's a lot of waiting to be done, but just having the referral letter is so cool. I've still got a lot to think about anyway so. 

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  • Digital Mentor

Hey there,

Thanks for checking in with us. It sounds like you're learning to cope with the periods and that you're able to get on with it more as you said which is great news 🙂 

What do you think has helped you to make so much progress recently? It sounds like you're really on top of everything. 

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Hiya,

Yes, I am coping a lot better with it now. I'm hoping that they start to work soon, I think they might be but I don't want to speak too soon. I think they may actually be helping my mood too. Before, my mood swings were quite severe and I'd have several mood swings a day, and when I got my period I'd obviously have a massive spike in emotions. But, over the past several weeks, my mood hasn't dramatically fluctuated at all! So, I think the meds are making my hormones more consistent and, thus, my moods are more level which is really good. I've been having more  irregular bleeding, but it seems to be less and less every time and for a less amount of time, so that's cool. I have now also bought a trans flag! I'm going to see how it feels having it up on my wall. But I think I've made so much progress with the help of the meds to be honest, they clearly must be doing something to my hormones because, like I said, my mood is so much more consistent now which has allowed me to actually think properly and perform self care, get things done, etc. I've been keeping my friends updated too and they've helped a lot. This conversation threat has helped MASSIVELY as well, so thank you so so much!! <3 

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