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Growth and pushing boundaries


Dywwik
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I started reading a comic in the beginning of August. (Heartstopper) and I found a way to read it all because it's not fully available in Canada yet. The last book, book #4, hit me hard and it sort of triggered my anorexia back.  I didn't, to my knowledge stop myself from eating yet and I'll try to keep an eye on that. 

Anyways! The growth part comes from two things happening in my life. I want to change my wardrobe with one that fits my body type, and that fits the view I have of myself. Which is hard because I'm on the bigger side of slim and I see myself as very very slim. I started wearing tank tops and I now see when people say I have wide shoulders. I do! Yesterday I wore a short shorts and I took a picture because for the time I seemingly ever, I felt like having normal proportions! 😄 And this is from seeing drawings of a guy on my comic where a character has short pjama shorts in some frames! 

I suggest reading Heartstopper a lot! 

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48 minutes ago, Monsoon said:

Hey @Dywwik

It's lovely to hear from you again. I'm sorry to hear that the last book sort of triggered your anorexia a little. How are you feeling about that right now? 

Like I said, I didn't see a change in my eating habits. I just feel as bad as I did when I used to not eat. It's been a few days now since I've read the book and hopefully I won't get too stressed out because I fear of stopping eating. I told a friend, I should tell more people about it just in case they noticed something before I do. 

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  • Digital Mentor

Hey @Dywwik. Sorry that it's taken me a little while to get back to you. How are you doing today? I think it's good to be open about this kind of thing. When we keep our feelings in, they are more likely to bubble up. You sound really aware of your thoughts and feelings about your eating habits which is good as this will help you to stay on top of things. Can I ask, have you slipped before? If so, what helped you to get back on track? 

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20 minutes ago, Monsoon said:

Hey @Dywwik. Sorry that it's taken me a little while to get back to you. How are you doing today? I think it's good to be open about this kind of thing. When we keep our feelings in, they are more likely to bubble up. You sound really aware of your thoughts and feelings about your eating habits which is good as this will help you to stay on top of things. Can I ask, have you slipped before? If so, what helped you to get back on track? 

I did slip before, but it only lasted a day , maybe two. 

This time, I came to the realisation that my anxiety that I feel isn't from annorexia, it's from my social anxiety. I forgot during the pandemic that I had social anxiety and I sort of need to find ways to cope, hopefully better this time. Now that I have found the problem, I know better how to handle it, but I still can't stop my social anxiety. School is a source of stress just for the social life. I'm happy, I'm talking to a few new people and I hope I'll keep talk to them! It's better to follow a class with someone than alone! ^^

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  • Digital Mentor

Hey @Dywwik

I think it's really great that you've been able to realise that these anxious feelings aren't from anorexia, but are actually from social situations. So, I'm wondering, how do you feel the anxiety is related to anorexia? It's interesting that you forgot you experience anxiety relating to social situations during the pandemic, and I think that this is the case for a lot of people.n I'm curious to know, how have you managed this anxiety in the past? 

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Just now, Monsoon said:

Hey @Dywwik

I think it's really great that you've been able to realise that your anxiety isn't from anorexia and that it's from your social anxiety. So, I'm wondering, how do you feel the anxiety is related to anorexia? It's interesting that you forgot you experience anxiety relating to social situations during the pandemic, and I think that this is the case for a lot of people, and I'm curious to know, how have you managed this anxiety in the past? 

I don't remember. Which is sort of scary... I currently want a day just to be alone, but with two jobs and school, it's sort of hard to obtain. 

There is a room at school explicitly for students that want to relax, and I usually go there. There's only like 3-4 other students there usually

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  • Digital Mentor

Hey,

That's okay that you don't remember. It's good that you have the room explicitly for students who want to relax at school. Could you maybe go there soon for as long as you need? Also, I'm wondering, is there anywhere else you could go on your own for a bit? I know that you'd like a day just to be alone, but as you say, that sounds pretty hard at the moment, so it might be easier to have a few hours. Speak soon. 

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6 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey,

That's okay that you don't remember. It's good that you have the room explicitly for students who want to relax at school. Could you maybe go there soon for as long as you need? Also, I'm wondering, is there anywhere else you could go on your own for a bit? I know that you'd like a day just to be alone, but as you say, that sounds pretty hard at the moment, so it might be easier to have a few hours. Speak soon. 

It is only open when school is open, and when the consular is there. She is usually on time, but sometimes a few minutes late. I might ask to take the other office that isn't in use for the moment as a little nook. But for now, that room is okay yes! ^^ 

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  • Digital Mentor

Hey there,

Ah, okay. are you back in school yet? Also, are you able to get some alone time away from school and your jobs, even if it's just for a few hours? I think we all need some alone time just to recharge and feel energised again 🙂 

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On 9/7/2021 at 1:10 PM, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

Ah, okay. are you back in school yet? Also, are you able to get some alone time away from school and your jobs, even if it's just for a few hours? I think we all need some alone time just to recharge and feel energised again 🙂 

Yes! This will be my third week of school. I try my best to have some alone time. In my never stopping schedule, I have 1h of Paddleboarding every Friday, usually it is only me and my cousin, but she changed job recently so I mostly do it alone now! Also winter is starting to creep on us so my session will soon have to stop. But I'll change that for swimming in a local pool. It's the only exercise I have managed to keep in my ever changing schedule. When the swimming will start, my cousin won't be following because she apparently doesn't know how to swim. 

So I do have some time alone. If anything, I changed the set up in my room for me to have a little relaxing nook. 

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  • Digital Mentor

Hey @Dywwik

How are you doing today?

Yeah, it sounds like you have quite a few opportunities for some alone time which you must be looking forward to. What do you enjoy about alone time compared to spending time with people? 🙂

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On 9/9/2021 at 12:40 PM, Monsoon said:

Hey @Dywwik

How are you doing today?

Yeah, it sounds like you have quite a few opportunities for some alone time which you must be looking forward to. What do you enjoy about alone time compared to spending time with people? 🙂

Now a days my anxieties drain me and I sleep at least one hour once back from school. I didn't notice this before, but because I come back home early in the afternoon most school days, I find myself sleeping on the couch every school day once back from school.

Being with people that I know more or less isn't that bad but strangers in the hall is the worse. I'm autistic and I have to find a defining feature of everyone, what kind of clothes they have, bag, hair etc. I can't stop myself. And that is very exhausting! 

 

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  • Digital Mentor

Hey @Dywwik

I'm sorry that your anxiety is draining you at the moment. I wonder, is your anxiety always quite intense, or does it come and go? I can totally see how it would be exhausting with the strangers in the hall and having to find a defining feature of everyone. I'm curious to know, how do you feel when you can find that defining feature of someone? 

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On 9/17/2021 at 6:02 AM, Monsoon said:

Hey @Dywwik

I'm sorry that your anxiety is draining you at the moment. I wonder, is your anxiety always quite intense, or does it come and go? I can totally see how it would be exhausting with the strangers in the hall and having to find a defining feature of everyone. I'm curious to know, how do you feel when you can find that defining feature of someone? 

I tend to recognise people easily afterwards. Which is good I think.  But I don't get any satisfaction or dissatisfaction from it.  

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  • Digital Mentor

Hey,

How are you feeling at the moment @Dywwik? I hope your anxiety is better. It's interesting that you don't get any satisfaction or dissatisfaction from it, because I can imagine that it's positive for you being able to recognise people easily afterwards. What do you think? I'm wondering, how might your life be different if you weren't doing it? 

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  • 3 weeks later...
On 9/24/2021 at 4:26 AM, Monsoon said:

Hey,

How are you feeling at the moment @Dywwik? I hope your anxiety is better. It's interesting that you don't get any satisfaction or dissatisfaction from it, because I can imagine that it's positive for you being able to recognise people easily afterwards. What do you think? I'm wondering, how might your life be different if you weren't doing it? 

My anxiety is better, or it became num. I still am doing a lot of effort to avoid big crowds at school. I made a few friends! :3 

I went to the big Town near me today and all I could do was looking and almost everyone and identifying traits. I can't say why. I just do.  

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  • Digital Mentor

Hey there,

That's okay. I guess that it's just something you do, and it's fine the way it is. What do you think? 🙂

Also, that's great to hear that you've made a few friends. What are they like? 

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2 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

That's okay. I guess that it's just something you do, and it's fine the way it is. What do you think? 🙂

Also, that's great to hear that you've made a few friends. What are they like? 

They are really friendly! Exclusively guys, which is something I'm not used to but I like it so far

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9 minutes ago, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

Aww, I’m really glad to hear that it’s going well. Is there anything else you’d like support with at the moment? 🙂 

For now everything my anxieties about school are mostly settled! 🙂

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