Gender Dysphoria (and sometimes what it makes me think)

[Foggy_the_enby]

So I’m really drained right now of dysphoria which really isn’t doing a lot of good for me right now because I want to talk about how I’m feeling but my hands and brain won’t actually let me properly type and this is taking a lot of energy already. So I’m writing in note form, summarising what I’ve been thinking and feeling, especially over the last few days:

- Feeling dysphoric because my parents wouldn’t accept me for who I am

- Knowing I can’t come out so I have to get misgendered everyday

- I use he/she/they pronouns but I hate the repetition and singular use of “she/her” pronouns because it’s my birth pronouns and I’m not a girl

- Internalised enbyphobia as I feel invalid because of my parents’ beliefs, leading me to feel ashamed because I’m also internally and unintentionally invalidating other nonbinary people at times in the process

- Denial. Surely I can’t be nonbinary? Where has this all come from as I was fine identifying as a girl before? I know this is dumb because the dysphoria and euphoria I feel is very much real. I’m not comfortable being a girl

- Scared of what other people’s views on nonbinary people will be when I go to my new environment (college). What if the friendship group I get into doesn’t accept me when I come out?

- Feeling wrong for using a new name before coming out as nonbinary. Also, what happens when I’m out in the street with parents and I could potentially bump into one of them and they address me by that name? Do I play it off as a nickname/joke name/inside joke between the group? 

- Haha, I also have to tell my tutor for my course about my new name which will mean I’ll have to come out to them immediately, as my birthname will probably be on the system, just so the other people on my course don’t get confused and I have to out myself to them. I’ve thought about writing it in a note, and I think I’ll go with that, as it won’t cause as much anxiety as me forcing myself to actually tell them face to face and ending up not doing it because it’s too anxiety-inducing. 

- What if everything at college goes downhill and I end up not telling people my name so I have to get deadnamed?

 

So yeah, I’m glad I did put it all in note form because, as it turns out, there’s a lot. Also I’m less drained right now after getting it all out which is good. 

[Foggy_the_enby]

I also have a fear that, although I look way more androgynous than I did before my haircut at the end of June, I don’t look androgynous enough and that everyone at college, by default, is still gonna think I’m a girl. I do try my best to look somewhat “like a boy” with my hair and clothes at times, as I’d much rather people perceive me as a boy than a girl to start with. 

Edited August 19, 2021 by Foggy_the_enby

[Monsoon]

Hey @Foggy_the_enby

Thank you for choosing to share this with us. It sounds like you've got a lot on your mind at the moment, and I can imagine that you're feeling quite overwhelmed and defeated by it all at the minute. How are you feeling getting it off you chest? I find that people really value writing down how they feel, especially when they're going through a lot. Writing down your thoughts and feelings can put them into perspective and make you feel more in control of them, so journalling can be quite a good idea, especially when your mind is in overdrive.

I'm wondering, out of the things that you've listed, are some bothering you more than others? If so, would you mind sharing which ones? I figure that when you've got a lot of feelings, it works well to talk first about the one that's bothering you the most.