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Are they toxic?? Friendship is hard


Spoink
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So, to sum everything up, I have a roommate who I think is acting toxic towards me. They haven't talked to me in a day. I'm almost positive that it's because something I said, but I will explain. I had mentioned to them that I wanted to play Minecraft with them when I got home for the day but that I was probably going to go play poker with a friend group first. To this, they responded "I wish I was invited 😞". It's important to note that this isn't my primary friend group, but my other friend and I hang out with them occasionally. So, I responded (with too many patronizingly obvious statements about the fact that they (my roommate) weren't around much whenever the friendship started, so it's probably that they were just lost in time). Basically, it's not that they were thought of and chosen against, they just weren't thought of. I regretted being so quick to explain what they likely knew, so I apologised after a few back and forths about the situation and said I would be a better listener next time. They reply, thank me, all is well. Later, at the poker party, I was mildly intoxicated, and sent them (one of my best friends, by the way) that I was high and that I wished they were here. Obviously not the best choice, but it's one I shouldn't be crucified for. They respond with a snapchat of their face, with a thumbs up and a face that looked mad at me. I later asked if they were ok, and they said "I'm fine" (all over snapchat.) So, I said to them "By the way, if I've upset you or something, please take your time with telling me and all that, but I would like to make it right if I've wronged you, at your pace". They still haven't responded, and they have ignored me for days before. One time, I beat them at smash bros in a comeback, with me playing a bad character and with them playing a good one. They spiked the controller and didn't talk to me for two days. Also, they have told me that, whenever I have brought up something they do that makes me sad, they feel they're being "made to feel guilty". I am happy to elaborate more or send the conversation from last night if needed. Thanks

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I should add that I want to give them the space that they need, but it seems like I'm usually the one who manages the conflicts and apologizes for things. They posted a picture of a different friend on snapchat, which makes me happy that they are doing well, but sad that they aren't responding still. I know that I may have said something to make them feel bad, but I just want to make things right. The ball is in their court, but I'm almost positive they won't pass it back until it's convenient or when they see me in person. Referring to the controller spiking incident where they didn't talk to me for two days after: whenever they apologized, they waited until they happened to see me at our house to apologise; they didn't make an effort to go out of their way for the friendship. I believe I am making an effort, and every time we have an argument, the goal for me is conflict management and preserving the friendship. I don't believe they have reciprocated in this regard.

Edited by Spoink
Semicolon instead of a comma & clarification.
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  • Digital Mentor
9 hours ago, Spoink said:

So, to sum everything up, I have a roommate who I think is acting toxic towards me. They haven't talked to me in a day. I'm almost positive that it's because something I said, but I will explain. I had mentioned to them that I wanted to play Minecraft with them when I got home for the day but that I was probably going to go play poker with a friend group first. To this, they responded "I wish I was invited 😞". It's important to note that this isn't my primary friend group, but my other friend and I hang out with them occasionally. So, I responded (with too many patronizingly obvious statements about the fact that they (my roommate) weren't around much whenever the friendship started, so it's probably that they were just lost in time). Basically, it's not that they were thought of and chosen against, they just weren't thought of. I regretted being so quick to explain what they likely knew, so I apologised after a few back and forths about the situation and said I would be a better listener next time. They reply, thank me, all is well. Later, at the poker party, I was mildly intoxicated, and sent them (one of my best friends, by the way) that I was high and that I wished they were here. Obviously not the best choice, but it's one I shouldn't be crucified for. They respond with a snapchat of their face, with a thumbs up and a face that looked mad at me. I later asked if they were ok, and they said "I'm fine" (all over snapchat.) So, I said to them "By the way, if I've upset you or something, please take your time with telling me and all that, but I would like to make it right if I've wronged you, at your pace". They still haven't responded, and they have ignored me for days before. One time, I beat them at smash bros in a comeback, with me playing a bad character and with them playing a good one. They spiked the controller and didn't talk to me for two days. Also, they have told me that, whenever I have brought up something they do that makes me sad, they feel they're being "made to feel guilty". I am happy to elaborate more or send the conversation from last night if needed. Thanks

Hey @Spoink and welcome! 

I can completely understand why you would want to resolve this - it can be uncomfortable and unpleasant living with conflict or awkwardness. Firstly, it's great that you acknowledge what you may have not handled well. As you know, we all communicate in varying ways and they don't always compliment each other. It doesn't always make other ways wrong - just different.

I'm wondering if it might work to have a chat with them - it seems like you'll need to take the lead - and explain that you'd like to resolve this. Could you suggest a dedicated time that you spend with them (weekly / bi-weekly, whatever you think is good) so that you get a chance to spend time together and get to know each other better. Then maybe agree when they might like to be invited to things. There will of course be times when you just want to hang with your friends without your roommate and this is healthy but spending time with them regularly should diffuse this.

What do you think?  

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