I shouldn’t be having these thoughts (tw: s/icide)

[Foggy_the_enby]

Well…. This is gonna be slightly hard to talk about but here goes…

Tw: S/icide(u), Mentions of the afterlife

I’ve struggled with suicidal thoughts for quite a while now, since August 2019 onwards, but now they’re not too much of a problem (I mean they haven’t been too much of a problem for a little while now) as I’m at a stage in life where I’m starting to feel comfortable in myself and not so anxious all the time, barely anxious. I’ve been starting to feel a little sad at times, but I think that’s because I’m just stuck at home most of the time and I’m not really sure what to do so I just hang around online and watch YouTube and play games and that’s it. I mean, I’ve been doing fun things and getting out of the house, I’m going to a big cat sanctuary tomorrow, but I’ve been on summer break for such a long time now it seems (I ended in the very end of May as I’ve completed all my exams, which were mini because of Covid, and our grades will be based more on what work we’ve already done too) and just sticking around doing barely anything different at times is getting boring and lonely. Especially since I have to wait just over another full month until I can actually go to college. I even tried to plan to meet up with some friends this week but they seemed to be busy and the others didn’t respond, and I didn’t feel like contacting any of my other friends at the time.

But that’s a separate vent entirely, and not really reasoning for current suicidal thoughts. The suicidal thoughts I’m having now are more just fantasies, and most of the time they’re practically harmless, but sometimes I go so deep into these fantasies that I forget that I really don’t have any good reason to be thinking of this at all, and that I have sooooooo many things to actually live for. But I can’t help it. People have tried to help me before by offering advice but I almost don’t really wanna listen because sometimes I have fun with these thoughts, however messed up it is to do so. 

The truth is, I get triggered so so easily. Even watching a movie where they get into the climax or sadder scenes, my mind can go to the darkest of places, and that’s actually where my mind tends to go to the darkest of places which I’m not even going to go there with how dark some of these things are (some thoughts I get, I don’t even understand myself). But anyway, the point is, I get triggered so easily. I mean, I’ve actually started to try to fight these thoughts when it comes to music, especially music I listened to a lot when I was in a really dark area in my life. Because I know I’m stronger. But that still doesn’t do anything for me when even the mere mention of suicide or even death elsewhere sends me in a frenzy of fantasies that sometimes escalate to the point where I end up having to ground myself back to my reality now and think “What am I doing? What am I thinking? Why?”

The thing is, I feel very connected to the afterlife. I’m curious about it, but I also fear it. But I’ve been watching these paranormal programs lately which is reassuring to me that there is a beyond, and there is a way to stay on Earth in death if I want to (or even I feel I have to). And when I fantasise about that, I fantasise about being closer to particular people than I ever was before. Watching over them. And that’s something that I want to do, but sometimes I just can’t wait to do it. And I feel it’ll be too late to do it if it’s not done soon. If I don’t die soon. I don’t want to die. Hell no. I have a life ahead of me that I want to live, college to go to, a partner that I want to meet and possibly spend my life with. Buttttt it doesn’t stop the fantasies. And that’s where the problem lies. 

I don’t wanna go too far, as if a digital mentor sees this, which they probably will, they’ll probably wanna ask questions anyway. So I’ll leave it here for now as it’s already very long as it is. But seriously, thank you if you got this far.

Edited September 25, 2021 by Daisie

[Monsoon]

Hey @Foggy_the_enby

Thank you for telling us about these thoughts. It's interesting that you are having fun with these thoughts and that they are more just fantasies, and practically harmless. I'm wondering, when you say that the thoughts are fun, could you tell me a little bit more about this? What parts of them do you like and what parts aren't you so keen on?

I get the general sense that you're okay, but can I just check to make sure, are you absolutely 100% safe at the moment? It's okay to say if you aren't, and we are here to help you work through this if you need us - just say the word. Take care. 

[Foggy_the_enby]

Hey, I’m sorry I haven’t replied yet, just I don’t really know how to reply to this yet.

I am 100% safe though.

Though I guess I just haven’t been going through these thoughts since then really, so I’m not sure how to respond and I don’t really know particularly off by heart what I feel exactly. I really don’t know how to respond, sorry. I guess it’s a sort of thing, me having “fun” with this, that’s hard to describe if I’m not feeling it in that moment. Either that or it’s something that I can’t really say how out loud 

[Monsoon]

Hey @Foggy_the_enby

That's okay that you don't know how to reply to this yet. It's good to just have a think about what you're going through and reflect on why you might be thinking in a certain way, like the thoughts you have around death, for example. I'm glad to hear that you are safe at the moment, and I just want to ask, how are you feeling today?

Also, how was the cat sanctuary?

[Foggy_the_enby]

16 minutes ago, Monsoon said:

Hey @Foggy_the_enby

That's okay that you don't know how to rely to this yet. It's good to just have a think about what you're going through and reflect on why you might be thinking in a certain way, like the thoughts you have around death, for example. I'm glad to hear that you are safe at the moment, and I just want to ask, how are you feeling today?

Also, how was the cat sanctuary?

Yeah…. At the moment though, I don’t wanna go down that rabbit hole yet.

I’ve been mostly okay today. Had a few down moments, I was in quite big denial of my gender identity this morning and even tried to convince myself that I was cis and just “addicted to the experience of being nonbinary” simply because I’d had so little signs before that were pointing towards me not being a girl. But then I kinda broke out of that quickly and was like “what the hell are you thinking, Kadey, you are nonbinary because you feel dysphoria and euphoria and you know this is you.” And then not long ago I was just looking in the mirror and feeling super super nonbinary. So yeah, gender is a funky topic in both good and bad ways.

The big cat sanctuary was great!!! We nearly didn’t go however as my dad developed a migraine earlier in the morning which carried on throughout the morning and into the afternoon basically. Luckily though we had an afternoon slot (we had to get tickets as this place is only open a few days a year) otherwise we literally wouldn’t have been able to go because his migraine was horrible then. He was also adamant on going and he eventually did feel well enough to take us and I’m really glad he did because it was so so nice there! The first cats that we saw were the pumas/mountain lions and, oh my god, they were so beautiful. We sat down to eat first and I was just watching them walking up and down in their enclosure all curious about the people here and it was awesome. But, oh my god, there was a little black jaguar cub She was the only baby cat there and she was so so cuuuute. She was unnamed at the time and they were deciding between 3 names. I can’t remember the other two but Inka was on there and that’s the one that I really liked (which is the one that they went for!!!). It was just such a fun experience. So so many beautiful cats. 

[Monsoon]

Hey,

Yeah, I totally get what you mean about how gender is a funky topic, in both good and bad ways. I think that the denial you've been experiencing is totally normal when you're on a gender journey, and it really can have its ups and downs. How are you feeling about your gender today? It really is fluid and can change in such a short space of time, so it's good to expect that and be prepared for it if you can. 

Also, the cat sanctuary sounds amazing! I'm glad that your dad was well enough to take you in the end. Which big cat was your favourite?

[Foggy_the_enby]

5 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey,

Yeah, I totally get what you mean about how gender is a funky topic, in both good and bad ways. I think that the denial you've been experiencing is totally normal when you're on a gender journey, and it really can have its ups and downs. How are you feeling about your gender today? It really is fluid and can change in such a short space of time, so it's good to expect that and be prepared for it if you can. 

Also, the cat sanctuary sounds amazing! I'm glad that your dad was well enough to take you in the end. Which big cat was your favourite?

Y u p. I’m feeling good about my gender identity today, which is good. 

Uhhhhhhhh idk. I can’t pick just one I loved all of them and they were all so so beautiful in their own ways. Maybe the pumas, snow leopard, baby jaguar and the rusty spotted cat (which is actually the smallest wild cat in the world!)

[Monsoon]

Hey,

Glad to hear you're feeling good about your gender identity today :). Can I ask, have you opened up to other people about how you're feeling too?

Also, I totally get that you can't just pick one! Big cats are so cute. Do you have any cats of your own? 

[Foggy_the_enby]

12 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey,

Glad to hear you're feeling good about your gender identity today :). Can I ask, have you opened up to other people about how you're feeling too?

Also, I totally get that you can't just pick one! Big cats are so cute. Do you have any cats of your own? 

Yeah. It’s always good. I wore something very gender affirming today, and my (trans*phobic) uncle complimented me on it twice so that was awesome. It was a red checked shirt and I had it partially undone at the top with a black t-shirt underneath so it looked even more androgynous :DD

It depends what you’re on about. Is this about the gender thing or the s/icidal(u) thing? Because a few teachers from my secondary school know about both and my partner knows about the particular situation of this topic (and my gender struggles of course)

Yeahhhhh. Yes, I do! I actually talked about them a bit in the comments of another topic with Blondie, and provided pictures of them, if you want me to tag you in the comments there? Unless you can find it on your own as I don’t have that many topics on here at all.

Edited August 7, 2021 by Foggy_the_enby

[Monsoon]

Hey,

That'a awesome that your transphobic uncle complimented you. How did it feel dressing in a gender affirming way? I bet you feel great

Yeah, I mean't about both things you've been dealing with. I'm glad that people know so that they can give you support as well. Also, yes, I've seen the pictures of your cats. They're so cute! What are their personalities like? 

[Foggy_the_enby]

1 hour ago, Monsoon said:

Hey,

That'a awesome that your transphobic uncle complimented you. How did it feel dressing in a gender affirming way? I bet you feel great

Yeah, I mean't about both things you've been dealing with. I'm glad that people know so that they can give you support as well. Also, yes, I've seen the pictures of your cats. They're so cute! What are their personalities like? 

Yeah! It is indeed! I’m glad he doesn’t know I’m nonbinary because he’s great otherwise It felt really great! I don’t have too much androgynous clothing in my wardrobe so it’s awesome that I now have something as gender affirming as that! I also have another really cute red (much differently) checked shirt too I got from Etsy which I can’t wait to wear! 

Yeah. I have people who support me very well with both things, including one of my old English teachers, who is honestly the most amazing, supportive and open minded person I’ve ever ever met. But yes, I’m lucky to have a great support system as I have now. I’ve just got to hope I can form as great as a support system at college in case I’ll need it. 

They are adorable. Both cats are pretty lazy (but what can you expect from cats I mean this in a very lighthearted way) and are also simultaneously crazy and I love them for it. Dolly lovesssss food and would probably do nearly anything for it whereas Daisy doesn’t care too much and is more dainty when we offer her food from our hands. Dolly is the lap cat and loves attention a lot of the time (especially from me) whilst Daisy is more reserved and has her moments where she’ll want attention (mostly from my Dad) but she’ll stop too far away so you have to really reach out to stroke her They’re both awesome.

[Monsoon]

Hey @Foggy_the_enby

How are you doing today? Your checked shirt sounds lovely. Do you plan to buy more androgynous clothing soon then? I bet you can't wait to wear more! I'm glad to hear that you have a great support system. I'm sure you'll be able to build a good one at college too; even if it takes a little bit longer than expected, you'll still have everyone at home which is great. 

Also, your cats sound adorable! I love how stubborn cats are and they just do whatever they want. 

[Foggy_the_enby]

4 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey @Foggy_the_enby

How are you doing today? Your checked shirt sounds lovely. Do you plan to buy more androgynous clothing soon then? I bet you can't wait to wear more! I'm glad to hear that you have a great support system. I'm sure you'll be able to build a good one at college too; even if it takes a little bit longer than expected, you'll still have everyone at home which is great. 

Also, your cats sound adorable! I love how stubborn cats are and they just do whatever they want. 

I’m doing okay. I was rather dysphoric this morning but I’m doing good now. Oh and definitely! I definitely will not stop trying to find androgynous clothes  I’m glad I have too and I hope so too.  

Yeah, they really are adorable and I love them so so much

[Monsoon]

Hey,

I'm glad to hear that you were doing better after feeling dysphoric that morning. It's so interesting that your feelings can change so quickly, but it's good that you can move out of the dysphoria in quite a short space of time because it can last a while for many people. How are you doing today? Are you getting up to anything nice? 

[Foggy_the_enby]

2 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey,

I'm glad to hear that you were doing better after feeling dysphoric that morning. It's so interesting that your feelings can change so quickly, but it's good that you can move out of the dysphoria in quite a short space of time because it can last a while for many people. How are you doing today? Are you getting up to anything nice? 

Yeah, it is interesting. I suppose I’m quite confident in myself now because those feelings used to stick around for the majority of the day but I think I know myself more and am more comfortable in myself. Could change, who knows. 

I’m doing good today! I don’t have any proper plans as I want to chill today, as tomorrow I’m going out with my mum and her friend (and probably her daughter too) to go bowling, and then the day after that I get my results. Which is pretty nerve-wracking, really nerve-wracking now. 

I’m quite a spiritual person however, I believe in spirit guides, so I want to try to talk to them today using some guided meditation, so I can hopefully reach out to them and know they’ll be with me on the day. I’ve tried a guided meditation before that is supposed to help you meet them but I’m not 100% sure it was them coming through to meet me, or just my imagination/subconscious making it out to be, as it wasn’t very vivid personally. I am a bit of a skeptic sometimes but they have helped me enough times for me to get rid of some of that skepticism.

[Monsoon]

Hey Fewer,

It's really good to hear that you are more confident in yourself now. You might find that over time, your confidence becomes a bit shaky and you may find yourself questioning who you are again, but it does even out over time and you will get to a better place again with it. I've heard of spirit guides before. Did you manage to connect with them? If so, how was it?

[Foggy_the_enby]

2 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey Fewer,

It's really good to hear that you are more confident in yourself now. You might find that over time, your confidence becomes a bit shaky and you may find yourself questioning who you are again, but it does even out over time and you will get to a better place again with it. I've heard of spirit guides before. Did you manage to connect with them? If so, how was it?

By the way, I think you mixed Foggy and Dewer up together because it’s Dewer. Just thought I’d point that out lol.

Yeah. I’m prepared for that, I think. I hope. 

I don’t know still. It wasn’t very vivid but I don’t think it’s gonna be. What I could try is the meditation videos that go in into your sleep to see if I can properly communicate with them there. If it was real though, I now know I had a Native American friend in a past life. 

[Blondie]

I'm so sorry about your name! You're right - a mix of both names ended up as Fewer. 

[Foggy_the_enby]

8 hours ago, Blondie said:

I'm so sorry about your name! You're right - a mix of both names ended up as Fewer. 

Yup, indeed  But hey, big isn’t always better, sometimes you need Fewer of some things.

[Monsoon]

Hey @Foggy_the_enby

I just wanted to check in and see how you're doing? 

[Foggy_the_enby]

7 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey @Foggy_the_enby

I just wanted to check in and see how you're doing? 

I’m doing fairly good actually. I started college 4 weeks ago too and have made quite a few friends and am still making them in fact! I only work 2 and half days (and that’s considered full time at my college, due to the assignments we’ll be set at some point soon too- which I’m a bit stressed about to be honest), so it doesn’t feel like I’ve been there that long to be honest

But honestly, if my mental health starts to get worse again, the college (or at least my course) seems to have a great safeguarding team, as they’re making sure everyone has a 1-1 with a member of the safeguarding team or our tutor for our course in tutoring, so they can keep note of our mental health issues and gender identity. Which is really good (for me at least)! I was able to be sort of open about my previous issues that have been said above in the post, and my Anxiety (which I mentioned wasn’t that bad right now).

I was honestly so happy when a default question for everyone was about our gender identity, so I was able to tell him (the safeguarding person I was with) I was nonbinary, and talk about how my parents wouldn’t support me for it. I’m actually really happy with how supportive the college is overall about the LGBTQ+ community, as the person I was with, on first glance I’d get the vibe that he wouldn’t be supportive, but he was! He said I could talk to him (or Stephen, one of the other safeguarding members) if I ever did think about coming out to my parents, and they’d give me advice with it. He even asked for my pronouns, which was really good as usually the default is to just use they/them, and while he asked  if they were they/them, he still made sure about my pronouns so I was able to say he/she/they (I’m just hoping that a ‘he’ is used when referring to me at some point, as all I’ve heard so far at college is ‘she’ and ‘they’).

But yeah, overall I feel safe at college, especially with the safeguarding team, and I luckily think I’m in safe hands. I know this is ultimately what the safeguarding team is for, but in secondary school, I was constantly scared of being reported to the safeguarding team, but now they’ve introduced themselves at college, it’s much easier to just approach them and then it can go any way necessary from there. It’s great, and I think it’ll be great for future me and everyone else!

[Monsoon]

Hey there,

I’m really pleased to hear that you’re feeling safe and supported at college. It can be so daunting when we start a new chapter in life, especially when we already have other things going on, like gender and sexual identity journeys. It sounds like you’re doing really well at the moment, and I just thought I’d check in to make sure all is okay. If you do need more support with anything, you know where we are

 

[Foggy_the_enby]

12 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey there,

I’m really pleased to hear that you’re feeling safe and supported at college. It can be so daunting when we start a new chapter in life, especially when we already have other things going on, like gender and sexual identity journeys. It sounds like you’re doing really well at the moment, and I just thought I’d check in to make sure all is okay. If you do need more support with anything, you know where we are

Thank you so much! I’m really glad too, especially since I mentioned that I was hoping for a good support system at college, and I think I probably have that already, with more trained people, which is really great! I’m glad I went to the college I did :))

[Monsoon]

12 hours ago, Foggy_the_enby said:

Thank you so much! I’m really glad too, especially since I mentioned that I was hoping for a good support system at college, and I think I probably have that already, with more trained people, which is really great! I’m glad I went to the college I did :))

Hey,

Yeah, it sounds like you made a really good choice there

Are you living at the college? If so, how's that going? I hope you're settling in well! 

[Foggy_the_enby]

2 hours ago, Monsoon said:

Hey,

Yeah, it sounds like you made a really good choice there

Are you living at the college? If so, how's that going? I hope you're settling in well! 

No, I commute there and back by train on my college days. It’s not too far away, it’s about an hour long journey there on Thursdays and Fridays (car then train), and then about an hour and 10-20 minutes back on all days (depending on how quick I walk and if I stop or not) and there on Wednesday as it’s a half day (since I have to walk then as my dad starts work at 7 and ends at 3 basically). It’s not the best but not the worst either. If it was all week, it would be quite an inconvenience, but it’s not luckily.