Sexuality Confusion

[Pirate24]

This is probably going to be long. I'm a 21yr old guy and currently confused about my sexuality. I had a sexual trauma where my own grandfather abused me when I was 3 or 4.  I was in an All Boys school growing up and had experimented with few guys when I was about 13-14, although all my crushes were girls. I was kind of a porn/masturbation addict by then. Although I only watched straight or lesbian porn. I did enjoy my same sex experience back then. But it has really scarred me. Back then I used to have fantasies but now it just horrifies me. I haven't had any experience with a guy after that. I've dated some wonderful girls. But now, I'm going through a sexual identity crisis. I worry about it all the time due to my past experiences. Almost as if I have PTSD. If you ask me if I'm into men.. I would say that I find them attractive but just not in a romantic or sexual way. But my past has me believing that I'm gay. Few people who heard about me think I have HOCD. Few people think that I'm actually gay and in denial. Honestly, I've dreamt of being with a girl all my life despite my past. I've found myself turned on by women as well. But I just don't know what my sexuality is and it worries me. I keep asking myself if I'm gay. I don't know what to do.

[Blondie]

Hi @Pirate24 thank you so much for opening up with us and I'm so sorry that you were subjected to trauma like this (and I'll send you a private message too). As you may already know such an experience can affect our feelings and cause confusion about intimacy, relationships and attraction, but generally are considered not to determine our sexuality. Can I ask if you have ever begun to explore any of this with a therapist or counsellor? 

[Blondie]

Hi @Pirate24 I'm just checking back in with you to see how you're doing?