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mom is complicating my friendship


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hi, before delving in just wanna say congrats on the website upgrade. also this is gonna get kind of lengthy so sorry bout that.
i have a best friend and she has always been there for me. im gonna be seeing her (we are both vaccinated) soon, and obviously i am excited about it. but, my mom doesn't like my best friend's mom, and im going to be seeing my best friend's mom that day too. and my mom keeps bringing up these terrible episodes that happened between them to me i guess to warn me and make me watch out for her, and its really freaking me out even though im excited to see them and its just giving me a lot of negative energy that i dont need. what my mom tells me is that she does not feel respected when my friend's mom talks to her, that she belittles my mom and reduces her worth by saying these things that are mocking and unpleasant. its not that i don't believe my mom because she wouldnt lie about things like this, but since i am not there when they have these conversations, i have no say. once when i asked her about it and i guess i defended my friend's mom's standpoint, (i said something like arent you exaggerating/being dramatic?) my mom got super mad at me saying that i am brainwashed and manipulated by her and to be careful. my mom is telling me all sorts of things like her mom is going to try to find my weakness by asking me a bunch of questions and use it against me, she's going to try to ruin my life, that she talks about me to her daughter behind my back.. like all im doing is just going to get coffee with my bestie yet i have to watch out for my life getting ruined? i know my mom is just trying to watch out for me but still. something that i understand from my mom's point of view is that my friend's mom always asks a lot of questions like where the members of my family work and stuff,but ive come to realize that that is kind of normal for moms to ask, still it is personal information that i dont feel entirely confortable giving out. if im being optimistic shes trying to be friendly/make conversation with me, if im being critical and think like my mom, shes trying to gather information to work it against me. obviously i cant ask for advice about this from my best friend or my mom, and they are the two people i rely on for advice the most. 

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  • Digital Mentor

Hey @knickerbocker716

It's nice to hear from you again. This is a tricky situation as you and your mom have different perspectives on this. As you say, it sounds like your mom is just trying to watch out for you and warn you. I'm wondering, maybe she thinks that your friend's mom will talk badly about her to you and try to turn you against her? Your mom might just want some reassurance that you won't turn against her and that you can keep yourself distant from anything like that. What do you reckon? 

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@Monsoon Hi thanks for the reply. I never thought of it like that, it's an interesting take. It does make sense, especially considering the attitude she took when I did "turn against her" in a way of claiming that she was being dramatic.. I'd say I'm pretty good at keeping my distance from people, especially people I don't vibe with. What's tricky though is that since this person is in direct relation to my best friend, i can't avoid her so well.  Another thing I'm worried about is making my friend's mom not trust me or not like me. I feel like I have to comply with my friend's mom really well since I am so close with her daughter. 

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  • Digital Mentor

Hey,

Yeah, I think your mum might be feeling threatened by your friend's mom, and I'm sure that some reassurance would help her to calm down about it all. It's good that you can keep your distance, and although she is in direct relation to your best friend, you can still just be polite and friendly without having to get close/more involved with her. Also, when you say you feel like you have to comply with your friend's mom, I'm wondering, what do you feel like you have to comply with her over? 

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@MonsoonYea, since my friend and  i have known each other for a really long time, there's been instances where her mom has helped me out, like giving me rides home, letting me come over for projects, stuff like that. I know that doesn't sound drastic to be indebted to someone, but I still feel like those are favors that I haven't truly "paid off" and i feel bad about it and the last thing I want is for my friend's mom to think I am ungrateful. which is why I feel like I have to comply with her.

Edited by knickerbocker716
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