Feeling useless to the able-bodied

[Jubei]

This is a feeling i've been trying to deal with ever since I got diagnosed with mitochondrial myopathy. I know most won't have a clue what that is - essentially it means my muscle cells don't function properly and even little things like showering can feel like running a marathon. So I'm tired, all the time. There's not a lot I can do, and going out was a rare occasion for me even pre-pandemic.

As you can imagine, that doesn't get me invited to do anything. I feel like I have nothing of value to offer people who don't live the kind of life I do. I invite people over, I do my best to be a good hostess despite my disability, but it never feels like enough. Eventually they stop coming, stop answering my texts, they just ghost me.

It hurts even more because I have a boyfriend who has been with me the whole time, even before I got diagnosed and my health nosedived. I feel so much like I'm holding him back, and today he just broke down and cried and said he was so depressed and was going to see a therapist.

I feel like i did this to him, and I've never felt more useless in my life. He insists its not me, but I know he wishes I could get my old body back that let me do normal things.

And I wish I could too.