rant Life

[Monsoon]

Hey 

How are you doing today? What do you think of the article?

Ah, I'm glad to hear that you're grateful for having that person there supporting you. What are you grateful for today? 

[AnnaBanana]

Not sure which article you are referring to, but the ones I have read are really useful. There are multiple things I cannot to in the articles, but I have found a lot of ways to prevent myself from scrathing. I am doing quite good since its the weekend. Today I have just studied for my test and slept. Had some quarrels. But I am doing suprisingly well. Today I am grateful for having a few nice family members.

[AnnaBanana]

Why do i keep shaking so much? I cannot stop. I also get very sweaty. Other people have started to notice it. I also am afraid to go out with shorts or t shirts, I want to stop this. I get so nervous and scared everytime i go out with a t shirt helpme.

[Monsoon]

Hey,

How are you feeling today? I was talking about the self-harm article. I'm glad to hear that you have been able to find ways to prevent the scratching. Can I ask what has helped you to stop it? It's always good to hear what people have done to help themselves

Also, sorry to hear that you're feeling afraid to go out with shorts or t shirts. Do you think you're feeling anxious about it? I just wondered from the shaking and being sweaty. If it is anxiety, I can share some tips to help you with this if you like? 

[AnnaBanana]

I listen to music and do the icecube thing, I color them red so when they melt it looks like blood. I may be feeling a little anxious sbout it, I dont want to self diagnose though. 

[Monsoon]

Hey @AnnaBanana

That's a really good idea about colouring the ice-cubes red - I'm pleased to hear that you've found tips that work for you. I get what you're saying about not wanting to self-diagnose. However, it's completely normal to feel anxious and acknowledge that you're feeling this way. I think that many people often self-diagnose an anxiety disorder which is best left to a professional as they know how to do this properly.

When you're feeling shaky and sweaty, do you notice any other things going on in your body? Like headaches, a dry mouth, feeling sick, wobbly legs, etc? Also, when you say you get scared of going out with a t shirt, can I ask, what is it that you're actually scared of? 

Btw, what are you grateful for today?

 

[AnnaBanana]

I feel kind dizzy and get a lot headaches. I dont know how to describe the feeling. I feel sick and get this weird feeling in my stomach. Kind of the same feeling right before you throw up?  But its not the same type of sick feeling when you have fever. I am not actually sick, I just feel sick. Does that make sense? Well I just feel uncomfortable? I feel like my body is different and that people will stare at me and laugh. I kind of was forced to tell my mom something and we had this huge half talk, half argument conversation that lasted for hours! I am kind of sad, I feel like Im creating more problems for her, more things she has to worry about. I kind of feel like the problem child? I always get bad things said about me. My mom is going to take me to the doctor to "check my brain to see if Im retarded". I am also supposed to go to a psychiatrist or psycologist or at least get some therapy. She says Im not normal. I know shes doing this for my sake and that she loves me, but i am scared. Is there smething wrong with me? I dont know if I am lying to myself saying that everything is ok but for some reason I dont want therapuetic help? I just want to be a normal child. I guess I am grateful for having nice parents who care about me and want to solve my problems. It is their number one goal.

[Monsoon]

Hey,

Ah, yeah, it sounds to me like you might be feeling anxious which is totally normal. I can share some tips to help manage this if you like? I did ask if you'd like to see the tips earlier, but maybe you missed it. 

Thanks for telling me more about how you feel about your body. With being worried about wearing shorts and t shirts, why is it that you feel this way? Is it because you don't like those parts of your body? If so, I wonder if you could do it gradually, so one day, go out for a bit in a t shirt where no one can see you, then the next day, go somewhere that people can see you and do it for a minute or so then go, and gradually increase the amount of time you spend where people can see you wearing a t shirt. Then, you can do the same for shorts. What do you think? Exposing ourselves gradually can really help us overcome difficult feelings quite easily. 

Also, I'm sorry to hear about the argument you had with your mom. It must have hurt your feelings when she said that they have to check if you're retarded. She shouldn't say things like that as they are very hurtful. For the record, I do think you're normal. It's just that your going through a really tough time atm, but that doesn't make you weird. Everyone struggles with their mental health at some point. I wonder why you don't want therapeutic help? Interesting.

Btw, what are you grateful for today?

 

[AnnaBanana]

Yeah that sounds like a good idea. I will try it out. I have got this annoying habit, I dig my nails into my skin until my whole arm is red. Now it looks like lots of bugs have EATEN my arms.. My friends kind of ignore me now, I dont know what to do about that. I am jealous. My mom has been acting differently towards me, it feels weird. She kind of lets me decide more? I have been having some problems at school, usually she will scold me, but now she is ignoring the bad things. She sometimes makes these "mean" comments calling me a muslim and stuff. I just dont want to pressure her so much. She told me that our relationship seemed distant and that she feels like she doesnt know me. My harasser harassed me at school again, going to complain to the person who is in charge of all the schools (I think, its called fylkesmannen). I am also going to meet this school doctor that helps children with problems next week. Basically a normal school nurse but better. And he is going to check if there is something wrong with me and send a letter to the BUP. (I think it stands for child and teen psychiatric outpatient clinic. Translated from google). Turns out the BUP had to accept the report from the doctor in order for me to get in. I feel really pressured. 1. If the doctor says theres nothing wrong with me, I wont be going. 2. In order to come in, I will have to tell the doctor lots of personal stuff, which I am not really ready to do especially since my mom is going to be there. (I cant ask my mom not to come because the doctor wants my story from a parents point of view). 3. If the letter gets sent to the BUP, would I get in? I dont know what would happen if I didnt. My parents would be so lost, and so would I.  So yeah. Long story short: I want to get in but I am not ready to tell the doctor everything. And if I dont tell the doctor everything, it could sound like its less serious than it is which can lead to me not getting in. I dont know what to do. I am scared and confused. 

 

Edited June 2, 2021 by AnnaBanana
Typo

[Monsoon]

 

Hey,

Thanks for replying. I completely get that you're feeling scared and confused, but I just want you to know that you're doing amazing at being open and honest. We are always here for you and this is a safe space where you can talk about anything. Just remember that there is nothing wrong with you. You are having a hard time, and that's completely normal. Instead of thinking you're not normal, maybe it might be better to think of a different way to describe yourself? A way that is more understanding and kind. What do you think? 

I'm glad to hear that you will try out the t shirt and shorts technique – it’s really helpful. When do you think you'll start? Also, can you name two things that you’re grateful for today?

With digging your nails into your skin, could you maybe try one of the alternatives to self-harm, like the red ice cubes you mentioned? Just to help you stay safe. Can I just ask before I give you more support, are you safe at school? I'm concerned with what you said about the person harassing you and I just want to check in and see if you've told your teachers or parents? It might be better to tell them first rather than the person who is in charge of all the schools.

I completely get what you're saying about not feeling ready to tell the doctor everything, especially since your mom is going to be there. When he asks for the more personal stuff, could it be that you say you'd rather say it alone to them? I just think it's so important to be 100% honest so you can get the help you need. Does your mom definitely have to be there, or could they get her story separately? It might be good to ask. 

Anyway, I hope you're feeling as okay as you can be. I know you're having a hard time right now, but it's good that you're opening up to us. You are helping yourself already so much, and I'm sure that you will be able to move forward.

Take care and speak soon,

Monsoon

 

[AnnaBanana]

Yeah I guess there could be better ways to describe myself, the weird thing is that I cant see any at the moment. I started today, I managed to be with t shirt on in the toilet. I know it isnt much haha but Im trying. I have been trying the icecube thing with the nai digging but for some reason it kind of doesnt work as well as it does for my scratching? No, I am not safe. I have told my parents and they were actually the ones that suggested that they should talk to the fylkesmann. I dont mind, the teachers are useless. We had to force the school to do something about the bullying and we have also talked to them about the touching, choking and innapropriate stuff that has happened. So basically everyone knows. Yeah I would rather say it alone to them, theres a lot of things my mother doesnt know about and this is not the time to tell her. Ill ask if my mom has to be there, thats a good suggestion. I am kind of afraid to ask, my mom would react if I asked her to go out of the room when he asks the personal questions. I feel like I should ask the doctor so HE (or she) could ask my mom to go out so I dont have to. Then my mom would be more willing because she will think that thats normal.

[AnnaBanana]

My mom thinks everything is her fault and that our relationship is only getting worse. Since "Deciding everything for me and scolding me sometimes doent work and leads to lots of heated arguments" she has now chosen to let me decide everything myself. I dont want to. I know I am not capable and need someone to bug me so I dont procastinate. I am worried. I dont know what to do or what to think. Starting to wish I never told anyone.

[AnnaBanana]

Today I am grateful for: 

1. My french test went well.

2. I drew this beautiful picture and I really like it.

[Monsoon]

Hey @AnnaBanana

I totally get that you're not sure how to describe yourself. Say you had a friend that was going through exactly the same thing, how would you describe them in a way that's empathetic and understanding? I'm glad that you've already started challenging yourself with the t shirt in the toilet. What's the next step? . Btw, thank you for doing the gratitude diary; it's nice to hear what you appreciate. What are two things that you're grateful for today?

Yeah, I think it's good to ask the doctor if you can be alone. Also, ask if they could request that your mom leaves when the time comes to speak about the personal stuff. That should really help you. With the scratching, do you have any other techniques that you could do to help with it? Many people find it helpful to wear an elastic band around their wrist and twang it against their skin; it is kind of painful, but safe, and you might just need something that brings on more of a physical sensation to help with the scratching. 

Also, I'm sorry to hear about your situation at school and how things are with your mom atm. With school, yeah, it makes sense to speak to the person who is more in charge because they will hopefully get something done sooner. It sounds like this person at school is really targeting you, and I'm wondering, have you considered going to the police?  I'm just concerned about the choking, touching, and other inappropriate things, and if I can, I want to help make sure that you're safe at school. What do you think? With your mom, it sounds like she is doing something she thinks will help, but it's actually stressing you out. Might it be good to speak with her and tell her what she could do differently to help you? She might not think to change it if you don't say something. Open and honest communication is so key when things are tricky.

Speak soon. 

[AnnaBanana]

I would be honest to my friend. I would say that they are good friends (it kind of depends on the person haha) I am not tso sure what the next step is, I kind of want to take things slow. I am grateful for:

1. Borrowing this book I am really looking forward to reading. (I thought my parents would say no).

2. Having no homework next week and being done with most of my big school projects.

I am actually not allowed to wear anything except a watch around my wrist, but I will think of something!

Well we have talked about going to the Police before, but that was sort of cancelled because I opened up about it too late. So there was no point going to the police because of something that happened some weeks ago. But I guess I could talk to my mom about it since he obviouslt has not stopped harassing me. We agreed to either talk to the fylkesmann or the police (the reason why we were supposed to talk to the fylkesmann is because the school didnt do anything and that it says in the law that they have to do something within two weeks. The guy harassing me is known by the police so I guess it makes sense that we tell them.  I dont know who I should ask though. I dont want to ask someone who doesnt know about it. I want to ask someone who already knows and that can tell the doctor. I kind of dont want to tell my parents they would think that it is rude? Should I ask my parents who that already knows and ask one of them if my mom could go out when the doctor asks the personal questions? I dont know how to contact the doctor beforehand sooo.. I want to talk to her, but I dont know what she should do differently to help me. So its a little hard.

[Monsoon]

Hey,

That's good that you would say that person is a good friend. What else would you say about them? Would you say that what they are feeling is perfectly normal given their circumstances? Or would you think there is something wrong with them? Can you name two things you're grateful for today?

With the police, you can still go to them about something that has happened a while ago - plenty of people do that and they still investigate. I get what you're saying, but it really doesn't matter how long ago it happened - the fact that it happened is enough. I think that with your visit to the doctor,  the only person who will be able to answer your questions is the doctor theirself or the centre that the doctor works at. You know the name of the centre,, right? Maybe you can contact them? You could find their number online and explain your situation - I'm sure they will be able to help.

Also, with telling your mom, I get that you don't know what she would do differently, but as long as you tell her, then that will hopefully help her to stop treating you like that which will be easier for you. In an ideal world, how could your mom treat you to make things easier?

Speak soon.

[AnnaBanana]

I would say that they are not alone and that it is normal. Things I was grateful for yesterday:

1. I went to yhe library yesterday and got lots of new books I can enjoy reading during the summer break.

2. I got this really cute hat I have been wanting for a while now. 

Things I am grateful for today:

1. I drew this drawing in my own style and I am really pleased with how it turned out.

2. I completed two tasks (my french project and I finished making my bracelet.

I will contact the police and ask the doctors tomorrow.  

I told my mom she said that this is the new her and that she doesnt want to change because that is clearly the reason why I started behanving in this weird way and becoming sad.

[Monsoon]

Hey,

It's great to hear what you're grateful for today - thanks for sharing. How are you finding taking a step back to think of what you're grateful for? 

Also, that's interesting what your mom said. It kind of sounds like she blames herself for what you're going through right now. Is that what she meant? 

[AnnaBanana]

Yeah she blames herself. Sometimes it’s a little hard to find the things I am grateful for but its okay I guess. 

[Monsoon]

Yeah, I totally get how hard it is to find things you're grateful for sometimes, and that's okay . Have you had a chance to think of anything since your last post?

Also, it's interesting that your mom blames herself - you can kind of see why she is now behaving in this new way. By letting you decide things for yourself, this says to me that she probably doesn't trust herself enough to know the right thing to do. I know it upsets you the way she has changed, but can you see why she might be doing it? Do you prefer the way she was before to now?

Also, did you speak to the doctor yet about your appointment? If so, how did it go? 

[AnnaBanana]

I prefer the old way she treated me better, I fear that I am not ready to be totally responsible to make my own choises for everything in my life.  I understand why shes doing it though.  It went well, I still couldnt open up about everything but I at least got to say something. I got in anyways so I dont think it really matters anymore. I was allowed to speak to the doctor by myself and my mom also got to speak with the doctor by herself. They also told me that at bup we will sometimes be together (mom/dad and me) or just my parents or just me. And they will also help and tell my parents how they should help me, so that hopefully means that I wont have to decide everything by myself anymore.

[Monsoon]

Hey @AnnaBanana

I completely get what you mean about not ready to be totally responsible at this point. I think that your mom is processing some intense emotions at the moment and feels guilt, and maybe she wants to feel reassured that she hasn't caused suffering if you know what I mean? Have you told her how you feel in that you're not ready to be totally responsible?

Also, I'm glad to hear that you were able to speak with the doctor alone. What kind of help are they going to be giving to you then? 

[AnnaBanana]

Yes, I have told her how I feel about not being ready to be fully responsible. Well I am not so sure yet, I am just going to talk to a psychiatrist, psychologist or a therapist (don't quite understand the difference but I am going to talk to “someone who helps children and teens who have some big issues that affect their everyday lives”) I also got glasses for the first time, not quite sure when I am supposed to use them.

Edited June 11, 2021 by AnnaBanana

[Monsoon]

Hello @AnnaBanana

I'm glad you told her that you're feeling this way and that you're not ready to be responsible. I think that it could be good for you to tell them at BUP that you feel this way as they might be able to support your mom to help you out more. What do you think?

How are you feeling about everything now by the way? Also, what are two or three things that you've been grateful for over the past few days? 

[AnnaBanana]

Yeah, the people at BUP will not only help me, but they will also help and give my parents advice on how they should handle the situation. I have had my ups and downs, but everything is kind of slowing down now that summer is just around the corner. School is stressful, especially when people single me out just to make fun of me. It will all soon be over though. Things I am grateful for:

1. I like my glasses 

2. It's soon summer holiday

3. I can't wait to go to BUP, not that I think I will enjoy it. I just want them to tell my mom how to be able to help me so I don't have to deal with everything myself.