Gender Identity Crisis

[HeyPhayPhay]

Hello everyone, lately I've been really conflicted about my life and I've had so much self doubt and self hatred towards myself.

My name is Phayline, but I was born a male. I have came out to all of my friends as Transgender in these past couple of months because I figured it was right. I had crossdressed in the past, and the only reasons I stopped was because I thought I would never be passable as a woman. At first I thought this was some sort of fetish, but the dysphoria I got proved otherwise.

I guess I showed signs of questioning my gender at a young age, I was always jealous of girls fashion and forms of expression via clothing, I painted my nails in secret, I even remember looking up transition guides back when I was 11 years old.

My family doesn't really express our feelings, and such I have been raised kinda to just go with the flow and avoid emotional stuff as much as possible. So Its been really hard for me to get an understanding on how exactly I feel when it comes to possitive emotions. Trust me I feel depression and Anxiety thats for sure. So my whole life ive kinda been repressing almost everything. I have very few memories and when I spend time thinking deep it gives me headaches. However, whenever I find something like my old kik account where I named my self a female name or etc it makes me feel really validated.

My previous ex was not in favor of me crossing and stuff so I repressed that again for 2 years, and after we broke up it came rushing back.

My biggest issue is: I never had phases as a kid, now that Ive been seeing therapy and really trying to get in touch with myself im scared that this can all just be a phase. Im also scared because I already came out and what if im wrong. What if everything im doing is just invalid. Like I love making female avatars and almost all my characters in gaming and in dnd have always been female. I always did this because I hate myself and I always just wanted to be someone else and happier. What if me being trans is just some advanced escapism to my depression? Im so lost and every day I keep beating myself up over it.

Being called Phay makes me so happy, and being able to be myself is liberating. When I cosplay female its so fun butbits sl hard to work up the courage to do so. What if this is all so I could cosplay better? I only really identify with females anyway.

I don't necessarily get genital dysphoria, but I hate my body a lot too. So idk anymore. Im sorry for the sporadic though process and disorganization. Im just super stressed and confused. Thank you all for your time

[Blondie]

Hey Phay and a huge welcome!

It sounds like you're doing really well in navigating your way through this - even if it doesn't feel like it right now. You're allowing yourself to explore at your own pace and really think about what it is you want and who you know that you are. And especially as expression isn't encouraged at home and has been repressed.

 

Even if at some point you feel that transitioning isn't right for you that does NOT in any way invalidate you as a person, your feelings, your experience or your journey. You have every right to explore and I'm glad you are seeing a therapist so you have a safe space to do this.

 

Try not to feel that you must make a final decision about your life, your expression of how you present to the world now or in a rush - for many people this is very fluid so concentrate on what works for you and you do not need to justify that to anyone. Take it a step at a time and resist the pressure to feel you must solve it all now.

 

Have you had the chance to discuss with your therapist and are they understanding?

Edited August 23, 2019 by Blondie
typo

[HeyPhayPhay]

Thank you so much for your post. It really means a lot. My therapist specializes in "Life changes" but she isnt a gender clinic. She offered to write a note to my doctor for HRT but I dont have a doctor or know where to start with that. Right now we've been focusing on trying to get me to stop repressing my negative emotions, and open myself up to... well myself. Im just sick of feeling knumb all the time. We touch on gender identity and I know its silly, but I kinda wish there was a test or her telling me that im definitively transgender. And to be honest if anyone posted on here that I was cis I think I'd cry like I dont want to hear that. Lifes really confusing and I feel like im so old (23) to be knowing this stuff now.

[Blondie]

Hi Phay,

It sounds really healthy that you can explore this with your therapist - opening up and accepting yourself for who you are is an important part of reversing negativity and repression.

I know what you mean about having a finite answer but this would remove all of your autonomy and you absolutely deserve to be the lead in your own life!

I guess another thing I would suggest is to try not to think about transitioning at this point from a 'medical' perspective - many people transition and/or explore their gender identity and expression with never going down a medical route.

If you feel that this is what you want to do, you have a supportive therapist that can help you begin that process.

For now, I would take the time to work through it all - you don't need to know all the answers right now - you deserve the space and time to invest in yourself.

 

[HeyPhayPhay]

Hey Blondie

Thank you so much. I guess its all really relieving to hear this. It kind of sucks that I can't just know right now but youre right in that there really isnt any rush. Im gonna start talking to my therapist more about these issues, amd maybe try and make connection with people who are transitioning so I can get a better understanding of everything. Ill try to keep strong! Thank you so much

[Blondie]

And we're always here whenever you want to check in with us!