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Found 10 results

  1. Alex.

    Life I guess.

    My best friend is moving away. We could’ve been in the same honors theatre class next year so I wouldn’t be bullied, but no. Goodbye Lilyln, thank you for teaching me how to be me, to help me find my true identities, and I wish you luck at your new school. My grandma on my dad’s side has had heart problems for the past month, and I really hope she gets better. I also feel a mix of female and genderqueer today and I liked my first girl last month but she was straight ugh. I had little feminine gender expression today, wearing a white tank top, orange shorts, and kept putting my hair up because I don’t want my long hair but I’m not allowed to get it cut. Before you ask my gender, I’m a girl who feels gender neutral at times, and it isn’t fluid. Or at least I think. I’m just going with a mix of female and genderqueer, mostly female though. I have three labels at the moment, demisexual, aceflux, and heteroflexible ( maybe Biromantic but I’m mostly straight.) Anyways, how are you? My birthday is coming soon, so I’m excited. :) Smile when you are about to frown, you’ll be alright! Just consider me a girl for now. Although I like to look gender neutral and sometimes my identity feels like a girl and something else, I’m 100 percent fine with u calling me a girl, using she/her, or using they. I’m still figuring myself out, and thats ok! Bare with me for a moment, .
  2. Alex.

    Sad vibes of 2022

    Umm, where do I start? Ok, I’ll just put this into words…anyways, for the past three years, I have been depressed, mentally sick, and memories of my past creep around me. My mom has called the mental facility people like 5 times, and honestly, I don’t want to go, it all seems scary. I used to ( and sometimes do) hurt myself, when I’m angry over simple things I have done. It isn’t my fault for doing that or saying this, somethings I just can’t control. People joke about my sadness, it isn’t funny. I was alone for a whole school year, that’s how it all started. Covid ruined my life, I’m recovering from it all and no one respects me for it. People don’t want me in general, I try, I try so hard to be someone greater than my special ED label, be that girl who wrote a giant historical fiction novel. People exulde me at school, it hurts. Lately, I’ve been not eating a lot and lost weight ( I would eat more if I chose to), but I just have too much anxiety- there is a lot going on in the south and my dad agrees with every southern governor and it scares me because I have a different opinion than him, being demisexual ( well at least for now) and how my parents will react to it, war in Ukraine, and personal issues, all form into this bubble that I can’t pop. I just wish people saw my strengths and not my weaknesses, it would mean one less red scar on my arm. I just feel like nobody understands me, I can’t be sad or feel sad feelings, if I do I will be taken to a mental hospital automatically. So I have to hide everything inside of me, just like I have done before. I’m a great writer, but everyone sees the girl with dysgraphia. I don’t like love, yet people are always wanting me to like people. My family wants me to be happy, and I try to be happy, but I can’t be that happy girl I was in 2018. So, I’ll try to be less sad, but it’s hard when you are forced to smile, I’m hiding too much under it.
  3. VIVIEN_

    Tuesday=school :<

    Hi, so I'm taking a break from writing for a bit. Everything just got sloppy and I lost motivation. Right now I'm working on fixing my sleep schedule and eating healthy, with a little help from my sisters. I'm trying to take my life back, because depression caused me to stop caring about my life which caused me to stop trying to live it. I'm finally catching up on my school (I'm soo behind:.<), but I still have to do it over the summer (no summer break for me). I'm writing down ideas for another story, I'm not sure what the name will be, but it won't be very good because it's just for practice. It was inspired by a old story I never finished called The Two Runaways, it was very very bad and cheesy. Anyhoo, bye.
  4. Alex.

    Anxiety.

    Bleh. Here it comes. The bad anxiety I used to get as a little child. I have been experiencing it really bad since Thursday, when innocent kids and teachers in my home town, texas, were killed in a school massacre. It breaks my heart. My cousins live close to that area. My whole life I have been scared of things like that, dying in the hands of another. I would cry in my sleep as a little girl, worried that someone would break into my house and kill me. No child should have those worries, or actually be a part of those events, yet it happens. In my opinion, something needs to change. I’ll also be open to more about my anxiety. I keep having these visions of me liking girls and I’m like WHYYYYYYYYYYY. I’m thinking about me identifying of heterofliexible, but I have never liked a girl before but I would really like to. I’m much more attracted to boys though. sometimes I feel like a mistake with all the rejection, homophobia I see, and my current identifications. I am a proud Christian, and I’m worried I’ll go to h3ll if I have a gf only once in my life. I also always think of the worst in every situation, like death on a vacation. I’ve always thought that, when I was little I used to count the years until my death. It’s summer time to so I have nothing to do right now but dwell on my thoughts. 🫤
  5. Alex.

    I’m not dead.

    Hey, I’m back. I’d like to say I’m not dead, although, there were times I wished to be it. People are still not liking me, still having problems with homophobia in my state, still keeping secrets, and still using the act of fingernail on skin. But really, life isn’t fair, and I have to make the best of it. My life has been crazy, and here are some things I’d like to say. I’m demisexual and currently aceflux, and questioning if I might be heterofliexible or just straight. Yeah. Another thing is that this morning I said my survival story in front of my class, how I was born three months early and was one pound, told I wouldn’t be able to walk or talk, yet here I am, a novelist and poet. That’s what it means to be a survivor to me. To push through boundaries, through hurt and betrayal. I hope I inspired some students today, maybe they’ll respect me more. I also have made a strong connection with my friend, he is nice to me and I am nice to him, so I have a good friendship. I’m so sorry for being so inactive, I was trying to help myself. I didn’t want ant of you to worry, I’m still alive and doing my best to get better. School is almost over and I have more testing to do. Ugh. if anyone wants to talk to me, I’m open. I love y’all, and you matter.
  6. So like um I had a good day which is rare. Here are some good things that happened to me today. In theatre people never want to be my partner but we got some of the issues sorted out with my teacher which is nice. Anyways, one of my friends actually wanted to be my partner! It felt good because I am used to be being rejected. Another good thing is that I made honors theater with my best friend so we could be in the same class next year and we have a musical coming up!! I also met a new friend, who is new and from Louisiana but came here to texas, and she is really nice to me even when I mess up. When we played soccer I was her partner along with my Spanish friend who I talk to her in Spanish. It was fun except we were all sweaty! At the end of the day, I played roblox with my friend, and finally had the courage to tell him my survival story and had some people treat me ( I didn’t say I was demi or aceflux because why would I?) Anyways, he said that that wasn’t right and I should be treated better. When I mentioned I was one pound, was in physical therapy for 6 years, and was born three months early, he said, “ well, look where you are now.” That made me happy, and he also said that I would be a good author as well. I am grateful we met because he makes me laugh and we have a lot of things in common.
  7. Over the past years, I’ve made a lot of mistakes. Too many for me to count. From simple ones like suffering from a panic attack and everyone looking, to big ones like yelling at my parents over hidden feelings that I still keep inside. Every time I messed up, it changed me, for the better and the worse. I learn from each one, how to wipe fallen tears, and breathe. But, my only problem with messing up, is the constant weight of self doubt and blame. Today in theatre, I did terrible with my blocking, and I blamed myself for everything, thinking I had wasted everyone’s time. I said sorry to almost everyone in my class, including to someone who is in a different grade than me, just because I felt like I needed to. People are sick about me saying sorry, I say it even when I do nothing wrong. In my heart, when I’m all alone, I blame myself for existing, for being alive - a survivor. Being a survivor is hard, you get all these feelings that one person can’t control alone. Really though, it’s when I’m at my breaking point where I find the tape to fix what I broke. When memories flash in my head and tell me to keep moving when I feel lost and stupid. The things I was told form into a list, one that I have access to secretly. The rules of life are: one, you matter always, two, your mistakes don’t define you, it’s how you handle them, and three, words may hurt you but at the same time they can save you and other people. I lean on those three things all the time, ever since they were said to me. Like I said before, my anxiety that I suffer from, isn’t who I really am, people who love me know it isn’t. That’s ok, I don’t need to be known as a brave and strong by everyone, just a few people is enough for me. I’m learning. I’m learning more about life and about myself, who I can be as a person. You’re learning too, even the eldest person in the world still has a few things to catch up on. That’s because we are human, and being human is alright. Humans may be ugly, but they can be beautiful too. I just want everyone to give people some credit, everyone is fighting a battle that no one else sees. Instead of tearing them down we can lift them up, that’s what we all deserve at the end of the day. It’s amazing how we can act towards people like us, giving them hugs and hope. I see that everyday, and I’m forever grateful for it. We make mistakes, but the real purpose of them isn’t to say sorry all the time, but to grow. That’s where the best knowledge and how the smartest people get smart. Albert Einstein, ( born early like me and struggled with a lot of mistakes), probably got a bunch of equations wrong in the making of being a world genius. Did he give up? No. He kept trying. And trying. And failing. And succeeding. That’s because success comes from failure itself.
  8. Alex.

    School play jitters

    I have my first play in theatre and I am so nervous I don’t want to mess up! I am friendless in the class people only talk to me to yell at me I am respected no where besides my history and ELA class but to the rest I’m trash. My ADHD sucks at times I hate it. If I make a mistake like I have been doing no one in my class will like me again. I get blamed for every mistake even though those same people make mistakes too but they don’t get yelled at. I just hope I do good :(
  9. Alex.

    That Friday of mine

    Hi! So last Friday I had a school play ( I was a minor role but it was meant for two people) and I didn’t mess up and people liked it! Yay! I got a lot of compliments. Also, when I was home, I got to email one of my friends, and we ended up breaking the email limit record with 101 emails in less than a month! Lol- we’ve gotten to know each other better ever since the academic competition we both had ( except I did history and he did geography.) So I had a nice day yesterday.
  10. I was born three months early, with a raspy breath and decreasing heart rate. I was told I wouldn’t make it, and was pronounced dead that same day. Then, they discovered I was still alive, and worked hard to keep me living. One thing I learned from that experience was that I had the guts to have a working heart and lungs, but as I grew, people made me want to shut it down. Remarks were like a trail of smoke, the aftermath of a fire. I have a writing disability, ADHD, speech issues, was in physical therapy for 6 years, and have severe anxiety. People call me ugly, a mistake, I was used by many people-they never knew what it is like to step in my shoes. To die but come back alive, to be alive and come back dead. Despite peoples remarks, I continued to work hard, and overcame my writing disability by becoming a poet and novelist, yet nobody respects me, I’m treated like dirt and they mash me into mud pies. These are just the small details, but really, I’m just a girl, a girl who doesn’t trust people easily and is a survivor in many ways you don’t know about. If only people could visualize, dig deeper than just skin, you’ll find either a stone cold heart or a warm one. People break people, but they can also fix the broken pieces. That’s what I want people that weren’t the people I met, people who could uplift others and say that being a survivor is ok, it just means that you have to work twice as hard. I met a teacher who reminded me that I was more than just scars, she is the reason I’m still alive mentally. We all need people like her, kindness is universal and beautiful. If you are like me, you must remember, survivor’s are awesome and beautiful in ways people don’t see, but at least you do. You know what pain feels like, and nobody deserves that pain. We get light from darkness, this long road you are on is going to be worth it. Trust me, I was you, and walked through that pathway myself. You’re special, you deserve the love you give to everyone else, and that the people who struggle the most, are the ones who end up changing the world with those struggles. love, Alexis.
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