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Found 3 results

  1. This post has been flagged with warnings, as follows: Death, Hate, Mental Illness, Self-Harm, Suicide
  2. Alex.

    I’m not dead.

    Hey, I’m back. I’d like to say I’m not dead, although, there were times I wished to be it. People are still not liking me, still having problems with homophobia in my state, still keeping secrets, and still using the act of fingernail on skin. But really, life isn’t fair, and I have to make the best of it. My life has been crazy, and here are some things I’d like to say. I’m demisexual and currently aceflux, and questioning if I might be heterofliexible or just straight. Yeah. Another thing is that this morning I said my survival story in front of my class, how I was born three months early and was one pound, told I wouldn’t be able to walk or talk, yet here I am, a novelist and poet. That’s what it means to be a survivor to me. To push through boundaries, through hurt and betrayal. I hope I inspired some students today, maybe they’ll respect me more. I also have made a strong connection with my friend, he is nice to me and I am nice to him, so I have a good friendship. I’m so sorry for being so inactive, I was trying to help myself. I didn’t want ant of you to worry, I’m still alive and doing my best to get better. School is almost over and I have more testing to do. Ugh. if anyone wants to talk to me, I’m open. I love y’all, and you matter.
  3. Over the past years, I’ve made a lot of mistakes. Too many for me to count. From simple ones like suffering from a panic attack and everyone looking, to big ones like yelling at my parents over hidden feelings that I still keep inside. Every time I messed up, it changed me, for the better and the worse. I learn from each one, how to wipe fallen tears, and breathe. But, my only problem with messing up, is the constant weight of self doubt and blame. Today in theatre, I did terrible with my blocking, and I blamed myself for everything, thinking I had wasted everyone’s time. I said sorry to almost everyone in my class, including to someone who is in a different grade than me, just because I felt like I needed to. People are sick about me saying sorry, I say it even when I do nothing wrong. In my heart, when I’m all alone, I blame myself for existing, for being alive - a survivor. Being a survivor is hard, you get all these feelings that one person can’t control alone. Really though, it’s when I’m at my breaking point where I find the tape to fix what I broke. When memories flash in my head and tell me to keep moving when I feel lost and stupid. The things I was told form into a list, one that I have access to secretly. The rules of life are: one, you matter always, two, your mistakes don’t define you, it’s how you handle them, and three, words may hurt you but at the same time they can save you and other people. I lean on those three things all the time, ever since they were said to me. Like I said before, my anxiety that I suffer from, isn’t who I really am, people who love me know it isn’t. That’s ok, I don’t need to be known as a brave and strong by everyone, just a few people is enough for me. I’m learning. I’m learning more about life and about myself, who I can be as a person. You’re learning too, even the eldest person in the world still has a few things to catch up on. That’s because we are human, and being human is alright. Humans may be ugly, but they can be beautiful too. I just want everyone to give people some credit, everyone is fighting a battle that no one else sees. Instead of tearing them down we can lift them up, that’s what we all deserve at the end of the day. It’s amazing how we can act towards people like us, giving them hugs and hope. I see that everyday, and I’m forever grateful for it. We make mistakes, but the real purpose of them isn’t to say sorry all the time, but to grow. That’s where the best knowledge and how the smartest people get smart. Albert Einstein, ( born early like me and struggled with a lot of mistakes), probably got a bunch of equations wrong in the making of being a world genius. Did he give up? No. He kept trying. And trying. And failing. And succeeding. That’s because success comes from failure itself.
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