Well…. This is gonna be slightly hard to talk about but here goes…
Tw: S/icide(u), Mentions of the afterlife
I’ve struggled with suicidal thoughts for quite a while now, since August 2019 onwards, but now they’re not too much of a problem (I mean they haven’t been too much of a problem for a little while now) as I’m at a stage in life where I’m starting to feel comfortable in myself and not so anxious all the time, barely anxious. I’ve been starting to feel a little sad at times, but I think that’s because I’m just stuck at home most of the time and I’m not really sure what to do so I just hang around online and watch YouTube and play games and that’s it. I mean, I’ve been doing fun things and getting out of the house, I’m going to a big cat sanctuary tomorrow, but I’ve been on summer break for such a long time now it seems (I ended in the very end of May as I’ve completed all my exams, which were mini because of Covid, and our grades will be based more on what work we’ve already done too) and just sticking around doing barely anything different at times is getting boring and lonely. Especially since I have to wait just over another full month until I can actually go to college. I even tried to plan to meet up with some friends this week but they seemed to be busy and the others didn’t respond, and I didn’t feel like contacting any of my other friends at the time.
But that’s a separate vent entirely, and not really reasoning for current suicidal thoughts. The suicidal thoughts I’m having now are more just fantasies, and most of the time they’re practically harmless, but sometimes I go so deep into these fantasies that I forget that I really don’t have any good reason to be thinking of this at all, and that I have sooooooo many things to actually live for. But I can’t help it. People have tried to help me before by offering advice but I almost don’t really wanna listen because sometimes I have fun with these thoughts, however messed up it is to do so.
The truth is, I get triggered so so easily. Even watching a movie where they get into the climax or sadder scenes, my mind can go to the darkest of places, and that’s actually where my mind tends to go to the darkest of places which I’m not even going to go there with how dark some of these things are (some thoughts I get, I don’t even understand myself). But anyway, the point is, I get triggered so easily. I mean, I’ve actually started to try to fight these thoughts when it comes to music, especially music I listened to a lot when I was in a really dark area in my life. Because I know I’m stronger. But that still doesn’t do anything for me when even the mere mention of suicide or even death elsewhere sends me in a frenzy of fantasies that sometimes escalate to the point where I end up having to ground myself back to my reality now and think “What am I doing? What am I thinking? Why?”
The thing is, I feel very connected to the afterlife. I’m curious about it, but I also fear it. But I’ve been watching these paranormal programs lately which is reassuring to me that there is a beyond, and there is a way to stay on Earth in death if I want to (or even I feel I have to). And when I fantasise about that, I fantasise about being closer to particular people than I ever was before. Watching over them. And that’s something that I want to do, but sometimes I just can’t wait to do it. And I feel it’ll be too late to do it if it’s not done soon. If I don’t die soon. I don’t want to die. Hell no. I have a life ahead of me that I want to live, college to go to, a partner that I want to meet and possibly spend my life with. Buttttt it doesn’t stop the fantasies. And that’s where the problem lies.
I don’t wanna go too far, as if a digital mentor sees this, which they probably will, they’ll probably wanna ask questions anyway. So I’ll leave it here for now as it’s already very long as it is. But seriously, thank you if you got this far.