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sweetie

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    she/her
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    15

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  1. Thank you! It feels so nice to express myself on here again. I really have been able to cope with a few of my problems now, for one I started journaling around July and even before that I would sometimes rant on my phone in my Notes app and lock them, read them and reassure myself of better days. Actually before writing this, I took some time to go back to my recent posts. That's also something that kept me going and staying positive. Regarding school, I think I was able to get through it without much problems because I knew it was going to end quite soon and now it's over. I have always encouraged myself to speak more clearly of my experiences. In the past, I had issues properly explaining my problems sometimes but I can't really judge myself. This was new to me, having such negative impacts on my health and finding an incredible website. It almost felt too good to be true, and I always had this nagging mini thought of mine trying to inflict such an idea that someone I know would find out that this account belongs to me and all that. But, I came come to terms that it was just a thought, and even if someone I knew did find me it wouldn't matter, if they are/were on this platform too then why would they judge me. (like in a sense that this platform has really nice people). Having looking back at my first update post in January makes me feel prouder of myself. The whole school situation could have made my state worse but I managed to pick out and stick to the positive sides. Ah yes, my dad. Unfortunately, nothing has really changed between me and my dad. I tried a few times to connect with him but I guess it can't work. I still care for him, he's my dad and has been very good to me, but I just had to accept that were all still humans. We may be family but sadly we can't all get along. He started to notice the distance and sometimes encouraged me to speak my thoughts, knowing my father I speak but say little, it's a trap. He hasn't changed for goodness sake, he just wants to argue with me, or just hear me speak so that he can ask to say his own thoughts. So as a change, I stopped ignoring my issues, I identified them and simply set them aside because there are just some things I can't change and I refuse to let them ruin my mental health. As I said before, 2020 was a huge change for me, I've seen myself growing up a bit more. I'm not the most mature but I am now able to see things from a different perspective. My siblings should be fine lately, well I hope so. I try and observe their behaviours and all. One is living life, that's my sister, were pretty close, I mean we share a room so we have to deal with each other constantly way more than anyone else in the house. The other, my brother, I know he's going through some things, he doesn't like sharing so much but I do always try to cheer him up. I suppose the thoughts were a one time thing, more of like in the moment. We all cried and felt awful, I do recall them saying that they didn't really mean it that time or something similar, I totally understand that but I still told them I was always willing and free to talk to.
  2. @Randomgirl. Thank you so much, it's really nice having been told positive things about my updates!
  3. This post has been flagged with warnings, as follows: Self-Harm
  4. This post has been flagged with warnings, as follows: Self-Harm
  5. I think that I just need time to think them through one by one. All my past problems can't be forgotten but I can at least try to put them to rest. It's just my head hasn't been in the right place lately like I have too much to focus on. But I'm going to make that time.
  6. It's kind of like a half and half. Like I doubt myself sometimes because the problems that really had an impact in my depression aren't resolved. They have been basically pushed aside in a way because of school and stuff. But I still believe that I'll be able to handle somethings though.
  7. Thank you, that's really great to hear. I get scared because I know there will be off days and I just keep hoping that I will be able to handle it. But one thing is I can always count on this website if it's too overwhelming for me. If I'm being honest, I absolutely have no idea what helped me. Maybe it moved so gradually slow that I didn't even realise my mood was getting more positive. But I do remember somedays, about a month ago or so, that I would have a lot of mood swings and in the night I would be SO happy for no absolute reason.
  8. Thank You, every day that I realise that I'm figuring things out if feels like a warm hug. I like to think back to when my depression started and feel proud of myself when I realise how far I've come. I'm not in the best state right now but I do know I'm doing pretty well. Well for my journey, I've been thinking about finally participating in my hobbies more, like exercising, drawing and just reading. I have an exam coming in a few months so I'm trying to add more effort than I usually do and read ahead. And not to mention I started my youtube journey which I'm getting a ton of support from my friends. I'm trying not to rush anything because this all feels so unreal to me, I never thought I'd be this happy with anything I've done. I obviously have off days but now it doesn't really last because I have things to distract me like school and everything.
  9. I don't think I will be going to the U.S anymore and I'm fine with that. I started talking to my mom about what my academic future will be looking like in about 1-2 years from now. This might be my last year in highschool but I still have exams to take after. I've been talking about driving soon and learning with my brother because he's 17 and I'm 15. the plan was to go to the U.s and finish my highschool because I ma still young, but the other plan is doing A levels and a university preparation programme (that my brother is currently doing right now) so I will have 2 more years to prepare for highschool. I'm not a big fan of exams or school but I know I have to take them seriously. Even if I might not get what I wanted I don't want to just give up. It's funny because all this hope just came from A simple family devotion with my mom and siblings just this morning. And that's the why I want to be more religious, like if I feel this moved from just a bible reading imagine if I become closer to God every single day. It actually funny because last year I had hope that my depression was going to finish before the end of 2020 but it didn't and to be honest I didn't put in a lot of effort but I did try and for that I'm proud of myself. I have a lot of hope for this year, not to mention how I have plans for starting a Youtube channel because I never expected to write this long lol but I did want to discuss about this(school and Christianity) one day on my channel, so I now understand why it's so lengthy.
  10. Thank you, life may not be the best as I said but I do know it's changing and it's a process so I'm pretty happy about that. Well I changed schools and it came with a lot of disadvantages like I couldn't see my friends again because we of the pandemic and I was only able to see a few of them during my break in December. I was hoping to see them one last time before I started physical school but I wasn't bale to and it really put me in a bad mood for a while. But I realised that not everything can go my way, but anyways I came to notice that leaving that school was an eye opener for me so it came with it's own advantages. I don't know how to put this but I was stuck on that school, because you know school is where you spend most of your life in so most of mydecisions revolved around 'what if my school found...' also 'will I be judged by the people in my school if I did...' and all those thoughts, so basically I was afraid of people judging me and I nobody likes the thought of being talked about behind their backs. But changing schools made me acknowledge that life really does move and it wont wait for anyone, I cant keep bothering myself about what people thought, because some people you meet will come and go its just about the matter of time. And other than school I've been thinking about being more religious, I'm a Christian and I want to achieve my dreams but in the way God wants it. I have hope for myself to be better basically, and I haven't had a suicidal thought in my head for a while. I actually say to myself, just incase, that 'taking my life means I'm giving up', and I refuse to do that.
  11. true. but try putting an @ to the person your responding too. I see a few people do that sometimes
  12. School can be the best time, yes but it's quite difficult when you don't really understand what your doing there. So everyone's morals are the same as yours. In a way, I mean I come to school because my parents sent me, they laid that foundation for me from when I was born. Although I am grateful for such an opportunity I also don't find the advantage after, so I put in work in school but its to satisfy my parents. I'm not saying I do everything for my parents I just mean they started all this with hard work, I'm just trying not to disappoint and also gradually trying to set my own foundation. I don't see my future as education-related, I can't even see myself in university for more than a year. and that's horrible because I will soon be in that spot to decide which ones I want to go to and that's in the matter of 1-2 years from now. a lot could happen in those years but how far can I actually go? this also adds so my self-doubts. secondly, my relationship with my dad is not emotionally strong so my depression gets worse when I'm around him. after I started school I started to realise I was being too irrational. things aren't all that bad but I can't handle everything at my state. It takes time but for there to be progress I need space. I know parents and children are known to be normal but I have my mom and we quarrel but things go back to how it was, I have a good emotional relationship with her. I've thought about discussing this but at an age I'm in, whatever we say is just 'nonsense' because we're 'too young and confused' and all that. But I am willing to try when I feel I'll be confident enough.
  13. Hey everyone, happy new years. I honestly don't know where to start. I can't say life is the best rn but I can see it changing for the better at the moment. I remember talking about my relationship with my dad, it hasn't really changed per se but the issue disappeared only because I started school like physically so I only see him 2 times a day which is honestly fine with me. I knew seeing my family less would help me out a bit but I don't know it felt so impossible because I thought the only way that would happen was for me to live with my aunt in the United States, but as I said going to school fixed. Weirdly, school is basically a distraction from my life, although I don't really know what that life is. most people would disagree and say school should be your life but I see things differently, I just never understood how I felt until last year. 2020 was a blessing but a curse, I became more self-aware but as doing so I realised that my life was a bit fucked up, and it was way too much for me to handle. anyways I'm truly grateful for finding this website. i hope everyone is well. sending lots of love
  14. I don't know like I wasn't just familiar with him again. I was in boarding school and till this day he spends most of his time at work. Yes, that's true beating isn't right, my mom apologised and said she won't do it again. It's not the way but that's what they were thought and what has been going on for the past few years. I'm not defending it but parents can be that way sometimes. Speaking to an adult might not be the best thing because enough some horrible schools allow teachers to beat students. I've never experienced it but some people I know said their school did that to some students a few times. Not like my school does it but a few adults think it's a good thing, my mentality is 'spare the rod and spoil the child'. I'm in a new school so I really don't know which teacher might be the best idea if I did want to tell them about it.
  15. @Monsoon Thank you it's always a pleasure to be back here. Well starting with the first question, I've been exercising more and sometimes my sister joins me so it really makes me happy, I've been looking forward to school ending soI can have more time with my drawings and learning new skills like ASL and Spanish. I asked my parents if I could get a few items and they agreed s0 I as well as my family have gifts to look forward too. I'm excited to get my phone back because I miss having my music by my side anytime I need it. So I've been gradually getting happier which I'm very excited about in general. Now to the second question. Um I'm not really sure, before all of this I found it difficult to communicate with my dad, I even felt uncomfortable talking to him sometimes because it felt very unfamiliar to me. I always felt like there was something wrong with me just because I just didn't feel comfortable around him, but that was a few years back and I decided to get closer to him and a bit more comfortable than I was before. Although it doesn't change the fact that he is very hard to communicate with, my elder brother once tried to communicate with him but it ended up in a fight. Mostly everyone was pissed at my dad because we a; knew this was very common and we felt bad for my brother because he was 16 and had recently left highschool so he wanted to be in charge of his life. Anyways long story short my mom was able to sort things out between them. Funny enough my dad said a few days ago that he and my mom never really talk about things which are once again their personal business but it's been bothering me ever since. I'm very observant so since I was younger I realized my parents didn't really have the strongest relationship, but I divorcing is a sin(and my parents are very religious) so I might not be expecting anything to happen anytime soon. I didn't want to mention the beating part but I did because its very common among black home so I didn't see it as a problem when I was typing. We just really pissed her off that day because we all did something wrong. Sincerely I deserved to be punished because I was being very inconsiderate, my mom told us a few days before that that she was struggling a bit with like parenting because she's a calm person but most African mothers like scream and stuff (so if your laid back you get judged and like 'called' a bad mother). I'm safe at home, I appreciate the concern, my mom apologised the day after and said she doesn't even like doing it. We also apologised and promised to stop stressing her so much. Once again thank you for all the support and help everyone has been giving. I really appreciate this community!
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